Sometimes you can only be grateful to God that he did not answer your fervent prayers. That he saw things more clearly than you ever could. That he knows you better than you even know yourself.
Every one fails at some point to discern what is best for their own life. They get caught be in the emotion of the moment, hear what they want to hear only, and fall into a pit they probably helped dig for themselves.
I am someone who has some degree of discernment and in the past it has served me well. However I was majorly duped and this falling into deception has been a humbling experience. The worst are the comforting lies you tell yourself: "No there isn't a speck in my eye. Not at all. I see perfectly clearly to tell you you are dead wrong!" Meanwhile you have a large plank in your own eye that every one really wants to address.
"In your anger do not sin." Some of my anger was perhaps understandable, if misdirected to the wrong people, my loved ones who suffered through this hot, hazy summer with me. Much of it might be explained by what was happening chemically or hormonally in my body, but it wasn't until I started to seriously practice some hard-core forgiveness that things started to turn around. Most of what I was angry about were things that people did trying to help me, but through a lack of communication with key players other than me, I ended up paying a heavy price with my health and well being. But really some of the anger kindled in me could only be described as white-hote rage that was so explosive it could denotate at any time.
This experience has birthed in me a desire to help others who fall through the cracks of our mental health system. But I also want to use my gift of writing somehow to better the world and to speak clearly about my faith and experiences. Thankfully I had been prepared well through the ministry of my church to go through such a test of faith and trust, and they continue to support me through the ongoing journey. Eventually I may end up doing some mission work.
Really I just need to tarry here until I have clear directions as to my next step. I can only take it one day at a time. I am thankful for my healing that is here and the healing still on its way. I am thankful for my pastor, my church family, my friends and loved ones. I have been blessed with wonderful family and friends. Some people have no one who really cares for them, but I have such a network of support. This summer the missionaries who came to visit our church really blessed me. Those who passed away this summer left behind beautiful legacy and I look forward to seeing them in heaven. They are part of that great cloud of witnesses cheering us on.
I think I am much like one of my future brother-in-law's marshmellows so well done as to almost be falling into the flames of a well-stoked fire. Snatched just in time to not be consumed by fire, but rather to be devoured by some one who rates it a 10 out of 10 for being just gooey enough on the inside and perfectly crispy on the outside. A perfect Mikey-mallow is a beautiful thing!