Friday, February 27, 2009
Recently it occurred to me that I have deep-seated jealousy issues. Right now I could list five people I have been intensely envious of in that their circumstances, their situation in life, their very personalities stir in me a deep sense of jealousy, and could enumerate still more individuals whose circumstances I envy. These feelings have arisen as I stared at blog or Facebook page and contemplated the gap between where those pictured are and where I am. They have filled me with a noxious poison as I find out about engagements, pregnancies, weddings and babies of people I know. Sometimes I will visit blogs of acquaintances, randomly following blog links from blogs I track regularly or less randomly visiting a blog I have visited before during previous excursions into the blogosphere. There are some I can't view without feeling that these people with their meaningful lives, beautiful little family units, and attractive personalities seem to have it all. Does this jealousy stem from my discontentment with my own life and circumstances and a sense of inadequacy and inferiority? Far from serene in my situation in life, I tend to focus on what I lack. I am busy with school and hope it will lead to a meaningful career eventually, but I don't face the future with breathless expectation but rather a subdued fearfulness. Sometimes I look at the person I am becoming and I don't even like myself. What happened to trusting that God has a plan for my life and considering the lilies? I guess I am too busy considering the gap between where I would like to be and where I am. When I started this post I thought blogging on this subject might lead to some helpful insight or resolution. Writing about it has made me realize that my issues go deeper than a problem with jealousy, but I haven't come to any solution. Maybe it is because I don't want to change badly enough.