Grief

Sometimes news hangs more heavily on you than other times. Like when I heard that a former kindergarten classmate had been killed by lightning while on a family camping trip. I hadn't seen him in years, but it was sad to me that he would never go to university, have a family, or fulfil more of his amazing potential. Why did it have to happen? Why was a life cut short?

That's how I felt on Tuesday when I heard the news that Tim Bosma's charred remains had been found. A sinking feeling of hope dashed. I didn't really know him. He was a grade school classmate, but he went to another high school and I hadn't heard he had gotten engaged, or married, or that he had a daughter or anything about his life since grade school. When I saw his name in the news after he went missing, at first his name didn't even register as someone I knew. I followed the story, I watched the media briefings, I posted the missing poster on my Facebook wall, I prayed he would be returned to his family. I believed that God could perform a miracle, but then on Tuesday morning I heard the worst. I didn't cry, but my heart cried out that it was senseless and that it was wrong. Why was a man stolen from his family? Why would his wife never see his face again, his daughter grow up without him?

Today the tears came while I watched a tribute to Tim. No I didn't know him, I didn't know the person he had become, but my heart grieved... I listened to CBC radio and heard his wife's emotional words as I was driving to meet a friend and tears again blurred my vision. I couldn't imagine the grief his wife, family, and friends were feeling. I don't know what it is like to lose a husband, a father, or a son, let alone in such a tragic manner. I have never had a comparable worst day of my life, a day that will change all the days to follow so irrevocably.

I can only pray that the God of all comfort will comfort them, that he will carry them through, and that somehow good will come out of unspeakable evil. I know it will be a difficult road ahead for a long time, and the wound will always be there. I know it is nothing that platitudes can sooth and I don't know why it had to happen. I can pray they can come to a place of forgiveness and I can pray for justice for Tim. I can pray they will be able to fully grieve this loss, this essential part of them that is gone. I can thank God that their faith is strong, that they have a supportive community surrounding them. Still the questions remain.

Years after the death of my classmate who had been struck by lightning, I stood in a ski chalet built in his memory and read about his short but brilliant life. I smiled as my mom snapped a picture. And I remembered.

Memories

In my memory they live there still in the century old yellow-sided house bordered by well-tended flower beds nestled beside the rail road tracks. I remember the narrow winding green carpeted stair that creaked a complaint when you walked over the uneven steps, the cramped upstairs bedrooms with sloped ceilings, the dark-panelled living room with black moulded wood stove, long tan couch, and Grandpa and Grandma's particular chairs. There is a sliding door that leads out onto the deck and beside it is a shelf of treasured books.

Grandpa must be watering the plants in his greenhouse, and I suppose Grandma is in the kitchen preparing the noon meal. Or perhaps it is Sunday and a pot of Grandpa's famous soup simmers on the stove and Grandpa is reading a novel while Grandma relaxes with a copy of Woman's World.

I still feel we could visit them some Sunday afternoon after church. That we could eat a meal of Grandma's hamburger noodlebake with manderin orange salad and that I could sit on the couch beside my sisters and suck on a Werther's Original candy while reading about how "The Good Old Days They Were Terrible" or how "Kids Still Say the Darnedest things" listening to the conversation.

Nevermind that the old house now has other occupants and that Grandpa and Grandma had moved somewhere less memorable for their final years. I am no longer the child who delighted in a March break spent with my grandparents or who would ask for one more Werther's Original.  Nevermind that Grandpa and Grandma themselves are no longer living, Grandma having succumbed to a cancer and Grandpa following soon afterwards after caring for her so tenderly.

Because in my memory they live on in an old house surrounded by gardens just outside of the settlement of Corinth.

When Hope Springs New

I ripped my blog post title from a Janette Oke book I read back in my tweens when I was known to devour any Christian historical romance with avid enjoyment. This post doesn't have anything to do with that book which I only vaguely recall.

When Hope Springs New is my theme because I want to write something hopeful about the renewal of life that is often associated with springtime. Basically I want to write something hopeful and inspiring to myself who composes a large portion of my rather small readership of those who follow this blog. Winter can be a bleak season for me, notwithstanding Christmas and New Years resolutions. And while I am of course delighted to have a job, first of all, and to be working as a nurse, secondly, my particular job is not without its frustrations. And then there is my need for a new living arrangement, my lack of romantic prospects, and my spiritual spinning of wheels which has been much canvassed over my years of intermittent blog posting.

Yes this was the winter of our discontent, but lo it is the time when hope springs new and the tree bud and blossom and the brooks bubble and the flowers open their petals in a beautiful display of colour and life. For it is a new day and who says you can't start to become the person who you wished you were. Who says change isn't possible or that new attitudes can't begin to transform you and your life from the inside out.

Witness the personal transformation written of so convincingly in One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. Why if I actually applied even some of her ideas to my life, my life would be unrecognizable within the next year. Not to mention, if I were to apply what I know in my head of the Scriptures to my life, my heart would be made new. The problem is not with the lack of sources of inspiration or the lack of power of all that spring symbolizes to transform and renew life. No the problem is with motivation and perseverance, with ambition and drive.

What will it take to turn a bleak hopeless winter into a vibrant hope-filled spring? What will it take for me to be filled with hope and then to put the effort into achieving the hopeful vision for my life? Part of it has to do with the possession of an unswerving faith that God has a good plan for my life and that he will work in me what I am working out. This infusion of faith is difficult enough, but I also need something far more basic: the desire to change and grow and blossom into the person God has called me to be. Sometimes a prayer has to start with Lord I want to desire to change and follow your ways, help me to desire it and to have the strength to begin to do it.

Update on my January 22 resolution

I am a day late with this update, but I am happy to report I have been exercising regularly for the past two weeks. I have been going on the treadmill for 30 minutes or going for a brisk walk outdoors. On the treadmill I have even tried running for up to 600 metres at a time. I have only skipped exercising four times over the two week period. However, I have not kept a food journal and, although I have cut down on my sweets and snacking, the reform in my eating habits has not been total. I have lost approximately five pounds and I will continue my regular exercise habit which I rather enjoy.

New Years Resolutions

My coworker has kept his New Years resolution for the past several years. Several years ago he vowed never again to make another New Years resolution! Not a year goes by that I don't make at least one New Years Resolution. This year it was to exercise regularly by walking daily at least a half hour, to snack on less junk, to skip desserts, and in the end to lose at least thirty pounds of excess weight and several inches around my midsection. Also I was going to be more social and get out more.

So far this year I have gone cross country skiing once and out for a walk four times out of twenty two days. Some days there is too much snow and I don't have suitable boots. Some days it is too cold like today. Some days I can't use the treadmill because my sister is in her room or because I will wait until she is back in school or until she is done exams. I can't go out because I might meet a lion in the streets and be killed. I am just kidding about that last excuse, that excuse is from Proverbs talking about the ridiculous excuses a lazy person will make.

I haven't exactly been excelling at the less snacking either, and it shows because I haven't lost any significant weight. By liberal estimates I may have lost 2 pounds, but possibly not.

As far as being more social, I have skipped three Bible studies and gotten together with zero friends so far this year, unless you count the church social I attended.  I have had time however to read seven books and watch ten Due South episodes.

So my New Years Resolution is a failure so far, but perhaps I can make a January 22 Resolution. I do here-by resolve to stop making excuses and go for a walk at least five times a week for the next two weeks and to severely limit unhealthy snacking by keeping a food journal for the next two weeks! Then by February 5th I do here-by commit to reporting on my compliance with these resolutions and the resulting weight loss or gain.

My coworker's point is that you should make necessary changes in your life, but not because it is a New Years Eve. You should do it because it the healthy and wise thing for you to do and you don't have to wait for a new year. He has successfully quit two bad habits and started more than one healthy habit, so he should know.

Getting a life

There is an apt saying all men die, but not all men have truly lived. Sometimes I wonder if I am living a full life as defined by this world's standards, let alone if I am living a full life as defined by Christ. By the first measure, I am sadly lacking in independence, wealth, success, and coupledom. I am single, live with my parents and younger sister, over thirty, own an ancient car and may never own my own home. Although I have dabbled in the dating world, I haven't had a significant relationship or someone I would call my boyfriend ever. I am not sure if I will ever have a child. True, I am educated, am working as a professional in my chosen field, and I would be considered wealthy in the eyes of a significant portion of the world to whom owning a second pair of shoes is a sign of affluence. But definitely I come up lacking by Western standards.

Nevertheless I am a long way from where I have been, and from where I might still be. And I have learned some things from my journeys through the darkness of depression and the living hell of psychosis. I have grown in some ways and I have learned some wisdom. In my darkest times I have found God and found him to be faithful. It is in other times that I lose connection and muddle through life with and without God.

What about life to the full spoken of by Jesus in John 15? This life is not measured by the same standards.
Wealth is not important, nor is worldly success, or marital status. Still living with your parents at the age some of your peers are celebrating ten years of marriage is less important than being lacking in love for others. It is important to be connected to Christ as your source of sustenance and life and to bear fruit fruit through the process of discipleship and growth, acts of service and life in the Spirit. Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, and self-control should be in evidence. So by this measure I am also lacking. 

But writing this has helped me see that however lacking my life may seem by any measure, there is an abundance of blessings in my life already. And however lacking in faith I may be, God remains faithful. So maybe in this new year I can get a life that overflows with gratitude and with grace. Maybe I can realize what is truly important and be grateful for the blessing of being alive to face another day, overtaken by the goodness and mercy of God.

Putting God on hold

This weekend some one told me I had three choices, I could walk away from God and what I profess to believe, I could do nothing while waiting for lightning to strike, or I could choose to pursue God and his purposes for my life and become the person I was created to be in relationship with God. I realized that I had basically put God on hold, only calling on him when I needed help with an urgent situation. Not only does my life fail to line up with what I claim are my beliefs, I also don't see myself the way he sees me. He sees me as beautiful, worthy, accepted, and I see myself as full of ugliness, not worth the price he paid for me, and not acceptable to God. 

I need to see Jesus and his eyes full of love. I need to see myself through his eyes. I need an encounter with the living God. I need a transformation, a renewal, and major renovation from the inside out.

The words of a familiar song should become my habitual prayer, "Oh Lord, you're beautiful. Your face is all I seek. For when your eyes are on this child, your grace abounds to me." 

I can no longer afford to put God on hold and live life in my own comfortable rut, making my daily choices selfishly and foolishly. If what the Bible says about God and myself is true, then some things have to change, starting with my heart and my way of seeing, and continuing into all areas of my life and all parts of myself. What will following Christ entail and what will it cost? 

Looking for that Special Someone...

...who will illuminate the darkest of nights, enliven the best parts of me with his joie de vivre, be the ocean to my shoreline and reshape contours of my life possibilities, inspire me to the heights of literary poetry and prose, and stir the deepest fibers of my nature. This person need not have the physique of a Greek god, but this would not be viewed as a drawback. He must be a friend, kindred spirit, and fellow pilgrim on the road leading to spiritual fulfillment and everlasting bliss. 

Well, no I am not exactly serious. But I have been trying a couple online dating sites. A couple of years ago I was a member of Christian Cafe and I even met some people in person, but I eventually cancelled my membership. I have gotten emails from the Cafe periodically inviting me back for 10 days of a free trial. I finally accepted about ten days ago. I found it a little harder to articulate what I was looking for in a relationship and what my shining qualities were than it was two years ago. A few days ago I created a profile on eHarmony late one Friday night (no I hadn't been drinking). After their intensive personality questionnaire which I thought I was honestly answering it emerged that I am actually an extrovert! No one who knows me would ever mistake me for one but there it was! Since then I have gotten daily free matches, but I can't really contact any of them, aside from free "icebreakers", until I commit to a membership. Anyways my profile is not exactly inspiring so only two people have attempted to contact me.

Reading over my opening description there really is only one man who could fulfill most of the requirements and he is divine (though not a Greek god) and definitely in my life to stay. To clarify I am speaking of Jesus. Maybe I should get to know and love him a little better, as well as myself.... Maybe I will find my life and possibilities a little more inspiring then. Just a thought.

Pondering One Thousand Gifts

I recently received a copy of "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp. It was an "unbirthday gift" which I got by redeeming one of my 52 coupons that I got as a birthday gift from my parents. So far I have redeemed three coupons and got a poem written for me, a mug of hot chocolate prepared for me, and the unbirthday gift. In the future I will attend a concert, get to be a princess for a day, go out for lunch, and pick out an item at the mall... just to name a few of the more lucrative of my coupons.

"One Thousand Gifts" is an amazing book which was recommended to me by my sister who gave me a gift book with excerpts from it. What is amazing about it is not merely how well-crafted the writing is, but how full of insight and wisdom it is. I am only on the third chapter and so far it has made me cry, think, and wonder if just maybe I will internalize its truths and change the way I think. A central insight in the book is how gratitude for God's gifts, however small they are, transforms your life and how naming each gift is a way of giving thanks and discovering God's love and grace anew. It brings true joy as you practice gratitude.

What I like about the book is that it poignantly portrays hard circumstances including terrible tragedies and the author's depression that caused her to wake up every day wanting to die, but it also points the way to hope and joy in the midst of these difficult times. It makes me wonder if ingratitude could be the root that is poisoning my life and if something as simple of naming blessings could transform me. This book makes me hope as no book since "The Purpose Driven Life" has made me hope that change is possible. I hope as I continue to read the book its insights won't just be interesting ideas, but that I will go on to apply them to my life. If I do I think I will never be the same.

Another Year Older

Yesterday I celebrated another birthday, a day later than the actual date. I am now well into my thirties, a fact that still astonishes me. I certainly don't feel mature enough for such a well-advanced age. Never-the-less I am continually getting older and adding to my library of life experiences. I am now a professional in the health care field with a full-time job as a Registered Practical Nurse. Just the other week I drank my first full bottle of beer. This milestone occurred while playing my 111th game of Settlers of Catan. I mention it only as an example of my branching out in new directions. Believe me, it is only one of many possible examples. I am growing as a person and growing larger not only in character but also in girth (my nephew and niece asked me if I am expecting: I am not, though I certainly look the part.)

My younger sisters and I in the new kitchen which is nearing completion.

August has been a good month. I relished a week's vacation with my family at a remote cottage and spending time with my sister, nephews, and nieces during their two week visit to Ontario. I enjoyed my father's 60th birthday celebration with extended family, other than the trip to the emergency department after my nephew cut open his forehead above his eye. My own birthday libations were also fun with scrumptious food, generous presents, and a competitive game of Balderdash which I didn't win. My family actually found a chocolate game of Scrabble... this is the epitome of board games, in my view, and I hope I get to eat the chocolate trophy after wiping out the competition.

In the years to come, I hope I live fully, love deeply, and develop in many new directions. I hope I walk in all the plans and purposes of God for my life. 

My sister taking a break from dishes after a birthday meal,