Four simple words: I want to die. This recurring thought most often emerged when I faced something difficult, when I was stressed, or when I contemplated the future, not in a dreamy, optimistic light but in a nihilistic, nightmarish view. I want to die. Sometimes I dwelt on the thought, other times I pushed it aside. Most of the time, it had no semblance of truth, nothing more than a shadowy presence. It dissolved into nothing when forced into the light. But always it came back.
I want to die. If it had ever been true, it wasn't now. I want to live. I want to grow, to stretch, to burst into glorious bloom. I want to develop in many directions, to be a channel of vitality, to foster life.
I want to live. I want to experience delight and joy, beauty and passion. I want to be grateful for each breath, to breathe in goodness and exhale grace. I want to live... truly. I want my path forward to be "like the light of the dawn, which shines brighter and brighter until full day" as the ancient writer described the way of the righteous. This proverb was given to me as a word of promise last year. Though darkness is real, by God's grace I will see that dawning brightness.
I want to live. I want to born anew as Jesus once told Nicodemus. It is a thing of spring, new beginnings, of light, and hope. It is truer than the darkness ever could be.