One simple word of encouragement can make such a difference. Even a genuine smile or gentle hug can lift the spirits. I am fortunate to have people in my life who will ask me how I am doing and actually listen for my response.
Lately I have been struggling with negativity and lower moods. Sometimes I don't even struggle I just stay there awhile and wallow in self-pity. Do I actually find that enjoyable? Maybe there is a sense of perverse pleasure, but it doesn't help me move forward in life and it doesn't produce anything positive or upbuilding.
I let little things or bigger frustrations get me down. I have a woe-is-me feel-sorry-for-me look on my face that is decidedly unattractive. I worry and fret about things beyond my control and I fail to tackle the things within my scope. I feel adrift and without hope for my situation to improve. Disappointments and setbacks leave me miserable and fears fill my thoughts about the future.
It is almost if I am living my life without Christ any longer in the equation. He hasn't changed and remains faithful and true and dependable. But my emotions and thoughts are out of control and somehow I can't seem to reign them in. My prayers feel powerless and without purpose. My devotions seem perfunctory and what once seemed rich and full of meaning in the Scriptures now seems dry and barren. I attend a prayer service and can't seem to concentrate or focus, and I feel a sense of apathy wash over me. What once would energize and delight me fails to move me.
Yet, objectively I am actually situated better than this summer or fall. Even though work is slow and I haven't been getting the shifts I hoped for by now, my mental health is much improved and I am much more capable of working. I remain blessed by caring family and friends. It is just my attitude to life that has changed.
I know I need an attitude adjustment and I need to stop believing all the negative garbage that is going through my head. I need to plan and dream again. I need God. I need Him to help me change the way I think and to fill me with joy and peace and faith. Without Him, life is bleak winter without hope or promise of spring. In writing this I realize that I have difficulty articulating the hope, life, and vitality found in God or believing that this bleak winter has an end in a glorious spring.
This post was actually composed back in the last calendar year. I returned to the hospital on the eighth of August and I am about to to be discharged, on Monday of next week. I will be posting something about my journey to wellness, after acute psychosis and elevated mood at a later time. I have let go of alot of things, but the gifts I received in return are priceless. Right now it is a process of continuing to let go of perfectionism, trying to control others when I feel out of control myself, and passive, aggressive, and passive agressive communication styles, while reaching out for love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, goodness, and self control. I need to break alot of unhealthy patterns, and that has necessiatated that I let go of a dear friend. The blind can't lead the blind, and expect to reach a good destination. This time around the mountain I got higher than ever before, but when I descend back to the valley, I will have sturdy hiking boots and a guide (Jesus).