The Economy of Mercy

"If we could push ajar the gates of life,
And stand within, and all God's working see,
We might interpret all this doubt and strife,
And for each mystery could find a key.

"But not today. Then be content, poor heart;
God's plans, like lilies pure and white, unfold.
We must not tear the close-shut leaves apart--
Time will reveal the calyxes of gold.

"And if, through patient toil, we reach the land
Where tired feet, with sandals loosed, may rest,
When we shall clearly know and understand,
I think that we shall say, 'God knew best."'

I spent time yesterday with my sister and her wonderful fiancee. She is getting married in January and the two of them are so well suited to each other. I am happy for them, but at the same time the familiar pangs of envy rose up in me. I wanted a joy like that. My sister is five years younger than I and no one else in my family is without someone significant in their life who is a good fit for them. It is easy to think woe is me, but actually God's timing is best.

Additionally, where did I get the idea that I need someone special in my life at all? Singleness is also a gift which I better enjoy as long as I have it. I love children, but a husband and children don't complete you as a person. If I am to have that joy, I will take pleasure in it. But that is not for this season in my life. So the dissatisfaction and loneliness I feel should drive me to Jesus, who is my best friend and closest companion. I mean he knows my desires and thoughts anyway and if I pour out my heart to him, he can handle my grief, pain, and questions.

Just as the Israelites, after forty years of desert wandering, because of a generation's unbelief, eventually reached the promised land, I will also reach the territory of my destiny and purpose. In the meantime there are many ways to serve and love and grow and change. Not knowing where you are going can be challenging, but also can be an exciting adventure. Imagining all the possibilities can increase my gratitude to God that I have so many gifts, opportunities, and friends and family to support me. As I make important decisions for my future, I only have to ask God for wisdom and he will provide it. Mystery is actually a beauteous thing in God's economy of grace! When the veil is lifted, I shall see clearly.

Saturday night Reads: The Psalms

There is just something about the psalms... They contain the whole spectrum of human emotion. You name it... It is in there. David is one of the greatest psalmists and even his son Solomon and Moses have some psalms. Then there are the liturgical Levites who continue in the great tradition of David.

The Psalms are great for praying through. They are a source of comfort and joy. David gets in many tight spots in his life, but he almost always ends by praising God.

And then there are the Laments, which are so rich and helpful with any person who is struggling through life. One morning in the wee hours I tried to read all 150 psalms once I realized I wouldn't be able to sleep that night. It strengthened me for what was ahead, as the very next day I was in the hospital and had a psychotic break. If you can't sleep, pray and read the Psalms. I recommend it to any one who is searching for the answers to life. Puzzling things out can be difficult work, but the great psalmists are genuine God-seekers. I would love to some day read the psalms in the original Hebrew as the poetry is very beautiful in its original language and cadence. Psalm 119 is an acrostic poem and many of the psalms follow a strict poetic structure. It is all fascinating for me to study.

Today I got a new study Bible at a garage sale. It is an NIV study Bible. I already have an embarassing riches of Bibles, but Biblical studies is my passion and I love mining the pages of Scripture for the hidden treasure the Holy Spirit put in there... It is tragic when a Bible ends up collecting dust on a shelf and is not read by someone who is spiritually malnourished without it. That's why I no longer feel bitter about the Bible someone stole from me. If they stole it, they probably benefited from it and I certainly could afford to replace it. Some people are dying without a Bible in their own language and that for me is the missionary imperative to translate the Scriptures into as many languages as possible. My cousin is doing that work with Wycliffe Bible translators and I am hoping to support his ministry in a meaningful way through prayers and financial support.

Friday Night Flicks

Awakenings

Whatever his personal demons, there is no denying Robin William's enormous talent as an actor. While not as inspiring as "Dead Poet's Society" or "Patch Adams," "Awakenings" has another talented actor Robert De Niro, who adds something intangible to this film. De Niro was nominated for an Oscar for his role as Leonard, the first patient to receive an experimental drug, which is able to rouse patients from catotonia, a state in which mental patients are unable to move spontaneously or even verbalize. This is one of the worst symptoms of schizophrenia and is tragic to behold. Williams plays Dr. Malcolm Sayer, who comes out of his own shell through his friendship with Leonard.

The sheer exuberance as the patients awaken from their catatonic state is very touching to watch. Though unfortunately the wonder drug, as so often is the case with psychiatric drugs, proves not to be so wondrous; that is the tragedy of the story. It is this reality that makes the movie so sad.

The fact that it is based on a true story, only makes it a more fascinating film. While I will always enjoy Robin Williams as an irrepressible Peter Pan or a uncontainable force in "Mrs Doubtfire" more than any of these melodramas, I have to admit Robin William's legacy is more these films, in which he gets serious about the black dog I never suspected he faced. His shocking suicide is what opened up a worthwhile debate about mental illness, and so I think his genius was not wasted on an unaware and often uncaring world.

Friday morning Journal

This an entry I wrote in Writer's Craft when I was seventeen.

Awe

It's been awhile since I felt a deep sense of awe. In fact, I can't recall the last time I felt it. I think I still have the capacity to be awed; the ability to look at something with the wonderment of a child.

I've been awed many times in my life. The Rocky Mountains awed me. I felt awe when I stood beneath the shelter of a humagous Red Cedar tree. In the country at night I have been awed by the stars. I felt awe as I gazed upon my new baby sister- so tiny, so perfect, so helpless - hooked up to an IV and heart and breathing monitors. I've felt awe watching a sunset on the beach.

Each time I've felt awe at something in God's creation - I also feel awe at the Creator who made them; Feeling awe does connect you to God.

Lately I've felt awe at....
the snow storm

Tuesday March 24

"We are of such value to God that He came to live among us and to guide us home. He will go any lengths to seek us, even being lifted high upon the cross to draw us back to himself. We can only respond by loving God for his love." Catherine of Siena

When I hear of the lengths God went to save me, or how much Jesus suffered for me, sometimes it just doesn't register. Maybe I've heard it so many times, I become deaf to it. When I say that Jesus died for me I often don't think what that entails. Jesus was whipped, was scourged, was mocked, was jeered at. He was nailed on his hands and feet to the cross. He had to struggle for each breath. He was stripped of his clothing.

The minister said criminals often didn't make it to their crucifixion. They died from just the flogging, All the while Jesus could have stopped it. But he stayed of the cross. He was God's son, yet he bore the whole wrath of God for our sins, my sins. That should make me intensely grateful.


This is my last entry in my journal as after this I asked to no longer write in it. Mrs. Rooks gave me the journal when she visited me in the hospital. She told me to "write in your book as you would write to a good friend. Write every day, Suzanne, so that you can learn to trust your voice and feel that this book is a friend too. I hope you'll find that writing is a source of strength and comfort, as it is to me..." She was a wonderful teacher!

Discipline Vs. Devotion

I have arrived at a place of overflowing blessing. God's faithfulness is new every morning. Every time I get impatient and try to plan my future, God stops me and reminds me he is with me every step of the journey.

I am a planner. At university I began a habit of planning out my week. When I had classes, and blocks of time when I got my homework done or studied for a midterm or exam. I was extremely disciplined. When I started Trim Healthy Mama, I was also extremely rigid and controlled. It is in my nature to want to control everything!

But when you progress to trying to control other people, that is when you cross the line into manipulation. And the thing is.... I am good at it. I know just how to pick a fight. What I can say that will start a war of words. I actually enjoy debate, argumentation, and controversy. And I confess, I am a little bit of drama queen.

So the flip side of that is I can be very empathetic and compassionate. I have had that sense of compassion from childhood, but it went away for awhile in my late teens and early twenties. That was my angry at God period.

God has been changing me in the last two or three years, and the work has been so gradual, it is almost imperceptible, but it has been happening, This spring and summer have been a trial by fire, a purifying rain, but I feel like thanks to Jesus, I have passed the test, as Galdarial would have said. Jesus has such a firm grip on me, I know I will not fall and his promises will not fail. Great is his Faithfulness!

Whimsical Wednesdays

This is a poem I wrote in grade nine, after my Opa passed away that summer. It was the same summer we moved to a new neighbourhood and my Dad started his own business.



Final Goodbye- by Suzanne den Boer

Kneeling at his pillow, full of dread
Gazing at him, yellowish face on the whiteness
Trembling hand on my arm
Tears blurring my vision
Weak voice in the empty room
"You also have gifts from the Lord,
Use them to in service to God
And for the betterment of society."
Stumbling over the words
"You said you were good at Bible
You could serve God in that area."
Fighting tears
Trembling lower lip
A kiss
"I know it will be hard for the grandchildren
It is for me to leave you behind.
But it is God's will."
Nodding miserably
"Again."
Bringing my lips to his
Aching throat
"Cry now."
Gentle words bringing hot tears to my cheeks
Needing to tell him of my love
Whispering, "I love you."
"One last time."
Another kiss
Leaving the room
I would do as he asked





This poem was also written in grade nine. It is not a true haiku, but uses the five senses to reflect upon the topic.



Fire- by Suzanne den Boer

leaping grasshoppers

a noisy hiker in the woods

scalding water

cigarettes

hot peppers

Faith Enough

The ice is thin enough for walking
The rope is worn enough to climb
My throat is dry enough for talking
The world is crumbling but I know why
The world is crumbling but I know why

The storm is wild enough for sailing
The bridge is weak enough to cross
This body frail enough for fighting
I'm home enough to know I'm lost
I'm home enough to know I'm lost

It's just enough to be strong/In the broken places, in the broken places/It's just enough to be strong/ Should the world rely on faith tonight

The land unfit enough for planting
Barren enough to conceive
Poor enough to gain the treasure
Enough a cynic to believe
Enough a cynic to believe

Confused enough to know direction
The sun eclipsed enough to shine
Be still enough to finally tremble
And see enough to know I'm blind
And see enough to know I'm blind


Should the world rely on faith tonight


Jars of Clay from the Album "Who We Are Instead"


Sometimes faith is just enough. You don't know where you are going, just as Abraham (then Abram) didn't know when God called him. You can only see one step ahead of yourself, as if you had only an oil lamp to light your way. You are disorientated, you think yourself barren and sterile of hope, you don't know when what you planted will even bear fruit. Your body may be frail, your physical energy sapped, your spiritual energy flagging. But if you can trust, and obey what you sense God is calling you to do, you will find faith is enough.

Why is the world crumbling? It is build on greed, on lust, on rivalry, and war against the other. The kingdom of God will one day fill the entire earth and all this will just be a memory. It is then we will want God to tell us "Well done, good and faithful servant." We need to build our lives on the solid rock so when the storm comes, our structure will be standing firm.

We need to try to get along with people who are of different backgrounds, different faiths, different cultures. We must stop exploiting the poor and the marginalized. People have to realize who they are hurting when they pick up a prostitute on the street. Not only are they hurting themselves, they are exploiting another human being. We also need to help the homeless and dispossessed. They have genuine grievances and often have nowhere to turn for help. They may be addicted to drugs or alcohol, but they do this to medicate their pain. Those who are Native to Canada have been wronged for centuries and have a legacy of abuse and mistreatment at the hands of the powerful.

Before we judge another person, we need to take a good look at ourselves. The same goes for me. Do I talk the the talk more than I walk the walk? Talk is cheap. People listen to action. Preach the gospel by your actions, and then if necessary use words.

Building on the Rock

Beginning this spring, I have been working on a Beth Moore study on the Fruits of the Spirit. My sister had given it to me as a birthday gifts years ago, when I was a nursing student. With so many things to read and so much homework to do, I chose not to do it other than the first few lessons.

A couple of weeks ago I finished the study. I was hoping once I finished the end, the one on self control, I would actually have acquired some! That's the thing; you can learn about the Bible all you want, but if you don't actually apply it to your life, you are like the man who looks in the mirror and immediately forgets what he looks like.

I did learn a lot from the study and I will be rereading the materials soon I think.  Now I am studying Hebrews with a group of ladies at a local church near my house on Tuesday mornings. For me Bible study is energizing and inspiring. I enjoy singing and praying with the ladies who attend and the fellowship of believers from all different churches is amazing!

As I read today in Jesus Calling, in devotion to Jesus there is a danger of it turning into "another form of works" (Sarah Young, 270). We must come into the presence of God "joyfully and confidently" for we have "nothing to fear" (Young, 270). Perfect love, drives out all fear, because fear has to do with punishment.

As believers, we will be held accountable before Jesus for how we lived our lives. However, Jesus forgives us all our sins and failures. At the Great White Throne, he will give us our rewards for the things we did in this world to help others and advance his kingdom. Some of the things we did from impure motives or mistakenly will merely be burned like straw or stubble. We will all be judged by the quality of our craftmanship. I think I want to build with stone, mortar, gold, and costly stones. What about you?

Some Reassembly Required

In my life, Jesus is busy doing carpentry repair work. Reordering a few things here. Moving some things around to get them tidied up. Doing a little sawing and then sweeping up the dust.

I guess I shouldn't be surprised at him doing such work. He was originally a carpenter after all, and I did invite him in my heart to stay so naturally we should clean house together. This renovation work will also involve building up some fences that got torn down in the back 40.

Some walls are meant to be there to protect you. Other walls you build to keep Jesus out of certain parts of your heart need to come down. Jesus is the only one with the knowledge and skills to do such work in a way that will protect your heart, mind and soul from further damage.

Jesus was tempted in every way. Yet he did not sin. He understands temptation certainly. But as the sinless Son of God he is the one qualified to also be the Great High Priest and stand in heaven interceding for me. But he is also the Good Shepherd who was willing to lay down his life for his sheep, 

I don't know why I keep going astray. All that I know is I am glad he always goes looking for me and finds me and brings me back to the green pastures and quiet waters. Because he restores my soul, Goodness and mercy dwell with him and as long as he is with me, I am going to be okay.

So the pruning work can begin on my garden, It might seem a little painful, but it has to be done; Each branch in Christ that bears fruit is pruned back, but the ones that are unfruitful are burned in the fire. The flames are real, but so is the Gardener, the Vine, and the branches. We all must remain in the Vine in order to be fruitful and to avoid being unproductive in our knowledge of the truth.

There is no sense having truth, and not being willing to apply it, even if it hurts. Christ is also the Great Physician. Today I am remembering my dear friend's father who is at this moment undergoing surgery. I am praying for the best outcome and a good recovery for him. He is in God's hands!

Sunday morning Anticipation

Sunday mornings can be so cozy. My sister takes her shower before church. My Mom sits reading her devotional in bed. My Dad cooks breakfast half an hour later than usual, so he sometimes manages to sleep in.

This Sunday should be a great one! My pastor is back from a two week vacation, so he should be invigorated and refreshed. I have already seen him since he has got back and I think he is as passionate as ever about his work in Waterdown and the greater Hamilton area.

What I enjoy the most about my pastor is that he shares from his heart. He also preaches his message to himself as he realizes he has not yet arrived at the destination where he is trying to lead us. He spends much time in prayer and in Bible study. At times he feels called to share a different message than the one he prepared for that particular Sunday.

Inviting the Holy Spirit to direct your service can be thrilling as when every one uses their gifts, you really never know where you might end up. Somewhere good, somewhere healing, somewhere where you are stretched beyond yourself.  Stretching is a good thing for the spirit!

I love my church, because no one expects you to be any one other than yourself as a broken human being in need of God. Every one has a word of encouragement or exhortation or will simply give out free hugs. The children who attend the service are so wonderful and melt my heart! We don't have many young families in our congregation so our Church school is small, but the kids are really learning well. I help teach them occasionally.

One of my favourite going to church song is "We are going to make it to the Church on time." I also love Brian Doerkson, Hillsongs United, The City Philharmonic, Fernando Ortega, Michael W. Smith, Steven Curtis Chapman, Switchfoot and Jon Foreman, Chris Tomlin, and Newsboys.

Just really looking forward to this day! May you be blessed whether you are staying at home today, going out with friends, attending a service in your own fellowship, or listening or viewing a service from the comfort of your own arm-chair.

Saturday night Reads: "Exuberance The Passion for Life" and "The Forgiveness Handbook"

Exuberance: The PASSION for LIFE by Kay Redfield Jamison

This eloquent, fascinating book held my interest for 308 pages as I learnt about men and woman of genius, both with and without mental health difficulties. From Teddy Roosevelt who was a dynamo seldom seen in the political sphere to James Watson, the brilliant scientist who was behind the double helix, to a Vermont native who was fascinated with the study of snowflakes and spent a life time cataloguing them named Snowflake Bentley, men of action and passion are catalogued along with women who made a mark on the arts, science, emancipitation, and philosophy. Both Toad from Wind in the Willows and my favourite politician Winston Churchill are discussed with equal insight.

Most fascinating to me were the links between genius and mental illness. Coleridge, Mary Shelley, Virginia Wolfe, many influential scientists of the last millenium and present one, and Robert Louis Stevenson all suffered from one form or another of mental illness and/or drug or alcohol addiction or childhood privations, abuse, or neglect. Jamison makes a case for the point that exuberance can stir the deeper fibres of our nature and inspire us to previously unknown heights of culture and science, but it also can be highly dangerous and volatile. The world without exuberance would be a much lessened one, but being around these men or women of genuis can get dicey.

I have ordered Jamison's best-selling memoir "An Unquiet Mind" for my birthday present from Amazon. Jamison is an author of unusual power and insight. I am sure I will not be disappointed!




The Forgiveness Handbook: Spiritual Wisdom and Practice for the Journey to Freedom, Healing, and Peace Created by the Editors at Skylight Paths Introduction by the Rev. Canon Marianne Wells Borg

I chanced upon this book one day at the library and it literally changed me from a very angry, frustrated person to one who could accept the interruption mental illness had once again made in my life with a degree of acceptance and grace. The contributors are too many to name, but most of them are Reverends, or chaplains, or Doctors of Philosphy or Religion. All of them are in ministry of some kind to help people heal from hurts of the past or abuse. There are even some rabbis and imans who share an interfaith perspective on forgiveness. I cannot recommend this book highly enough. There are mindfulness and visualization exercises, creative projects, and one ancient Jewish prayer which you can say every night for as long as you have to. After this tumultuous summer, I have to forgive many people who hurt me unintentionally or through busyness and/or self absorbtion. I have learned that hurt people hurt people and it is often someone's old wounds that cause them to wound you. Some people are unaware of their own wounds and their true identity as a child of God. God longs to embrace and comfort them, but they must come to him first for their healing.

I am giving a digital copy of this book to one of my best friends, who has a lot of people to forgive and is going through a healing journey of her own. I am also ordering my own copy, as the one I have has to be returned to the library next week.



A big thank you to my lovely sister Linda and her fiancee Mike who are getting me three books, an Unquiet Mind, The Forgiveness Handbook, and a new adult colouring book all from Amazon.

Benediction

Love is a many-splendoured thing, It makes poets and prophets of us all. It exalts. It thrills us to our finger-tips. But human love can be very blind. You may not know the other person as well as you believe. So then you are in love with an ideal, not a person of flesh and blood or someone with struggles, weaknesses and short-comings; a person as human as yourself.

The good thing about God's love is that it is never blinded by prejudice. He knows us more intimately than any lover would. He loves us more than the greatest Father in the world today. He sees our sin, but he forgives it and casts it into the sea of forgetfulness. He views us as righteous, not because we are righteous, but because he is looking at us through Jesus. The Holy Spirit convicts us of sin, but he absolutely never condemns.

If you feel weighed down with condemnation, that is not of God. God's love is so free, so full of grace. He loves you too much for you to stay in your sin, or to wallow in self-pity for wrongs done to you, but he does allow you to do so if that is your choice.  God bought your freedom for a high, high price. He also bought your healing from the wounds inflicted by life or by other people. 

Forgiveness starts with a simple choice, but it is a journey. You may deal with anger still; you may rehash events for a time. But continue to make the choice to forgive every day, even if the person continues to offend you on a daily or even hourly basis. Ask God to show you the good qualities in this person and you may be surprised to see the beauty in this fellow image-bearer of God. God created each person with a special beauty and unique giftings and talents. Some people bury them deep inside but they are there, beneath all the hurt, the wounds, and the lies.

The truth will set you free! It does not enslave you. Stop trying to please every one in your life, and live for an audience of one. Jesus will help you, the Holy Spirit will lead you, and the Father's blessing will rest upon you.

Now to him who is able to keep you from falling. And to present you faultless before the Presence with exceeding joy. To the Only Wise God, our Father, be glory and majesty and dominion and power both now and forever more! 

Friday Night Flicks- In Her Shoes

Any movie that Roger Ebert gives "Two Enthuisastic Thumbs Up!" and contains the comic talents of Cameron Diaz and Toni Collete, with Shirley Maclaine providing excellent support, is well worth a view. Not your typical mindless romantic comedy In Her Shoes explores what it is like to have a loved one who suffers from mental illness, and also dark themes such as suicide, family estrangement, sisterly rivalry, and betrayal and cheating.

This is definitely not a movie you want an impressionable ten year old viewing, but the ending alone is worth all the cringe-worthy scenes. My Mom watched it for the first time a couple weeks ago and she is certainly more squeamish than me as far as violence and sexual themes and she pronounced it a thoughtful, worthwhile film.

To avoid giving any significant spoilers, in case you actually want to enjoy this movie sometime, I will not give out the major plot points. However I will tell you the mental health theme is done with taste and is a truthful reflection of what happens in too many homes all around the world, when someone exuberant and full of life, declines anti-psychotic medication and treatment and decides to live on his or her own terms. The sound track is also quite lovely.

I normally have a hard time with movies depicting mental illness. I loved "A Beautiful Mind" and "Dead Poet's Society" and appreciated Robin William's performance in the little known film "Awakenings," but they really are so sad for me to watch. Any one who has to be repeatedly hospitalized for persistent mental illness is worthy of our sympathy and compassion, not judgement and censure.

The Perfect Roast

Sometimes you can only be grateful to God that he did not answer your fervent prayers. That he saw things more clearly than you ever could. That he knows you better than you even know yourself.

Every one fails at some point to discern what is best for their own life. They get caught be in the emotion of the moment, hear what they want to hear only, and fall into a pit they probably helped dig for themselves.

I am someone who has some degree of discernment and in the past it has served me well. However I was majorly duped and this falling into deception has been a humbling experience. The worst are the comforting lies you tell yourself: "No there isn't a speck in my eye. Not at all. I see perfectly clearly to tell you you are dead wrong!" Meanwhile you have a large plank in your own eye that every one really wants to address.

"In your anger do not sin." Some of my anger was perhaps understandable, if misdirected to the wrong people, my loved ones who suffered through this hot, hazy summer with me. Much of it might be explained by what was happening chemically or hormonally in my body, but it wasn't until I started to seriously practice some hard-core forgiveness that things started to turn around. Most of what I was angry about were things that people did trying to help me, but through a lack of communication with key players other than me, I ended up paying a heavy price with my health and well being. But really some of the anger kindled in me could only be described as white-hote rage that was so explosive it could denotate at any time.

This experience has birthed in me a desire to help others who fall through the cracks of our mental health system. But I also want to use my gift of writing somehow to better the world and to speak clearly about my faith and experiences. Thankfully I had been prepared well through the ministry of my church to go through such a test of faith and trust, and they continue to support me through the ongoing journey. Eventually I may end up doing some mission work.

Really I just need to tarry here until I have clear directions as to my next step. I can only take it one day at a time. I am thankful for my healing that is here and the healing still on its way. I am thankful for my pastor, my church family, my friends and loved ones. I have been blessed with wonderful family and friends. Some people have no one who really cares for them, but I have such a network of support. This summer the missionaries who came to visit our church really blessed me. Those who passed away this summer left behind beautiful legacy and I look forward to seeing them in heaven. They are part of that great cloud of witnesses cheering us on.

I think I am much like one of my future brother-in-law's marshmellows so well done as to almost be falling into the flames of a well-stoked fire. Snatched just in time to not be consumed by fire, but rather to be devoured by some one who rates it a 10 out of 10 for being just gooey enough on the inside and perfectly crispy on the outside. A perfect Mikey-mallow is a beautiful thing!

Summer Promise

Psalm 45
A Wedding Song of the Sons of Korah (The Message paraphrase by Eugene Peterson)

My heart bursts its banks
spilling beauty and goodness
I pour out in a poem to the king,
shaping the river into words:

"You're the handsomest of men;
every word from your lips is sheer grace,
and God has blessed you, blessed you so much.
Strap your sword to you side, warrior!
Accept praise! Accept due honor!
Ride majestically! Ride triumphantly!
Ride of the side of truth!
Ride for the righteous meek!

"Your instructions are glow-in-the-dark;
you shoot sharp arrows
Into enemy hearts: the king's
foes live down in the dust, beaten.

"Your throne is God's throne
ever and always:
The sceptre of your royal rule
measures right living.
You love the right
and hate the wrong.
And that is why God, your very own God,
poured fragrant oil on your head,
Marking you as king
from among your dear companions.

Your ozone-drenched garments
are fragrant with mountain breeze.
Chamber music--- from the throne room---
makes you want to dance.
King's daughters are maids in your court,
the Bride glittering with golden jewelry.

Now listen daughter don't miss a word:
forget your country put your home behind you.
Be here---the king is wild for you.
Since he's your lord, adore him.
Wedding gifts pour in from Tyre:
rich guests shower you with presents."

(Her wedding dress is dazzling,
lined with gold by the weavers;
All her dresses and robes
are woven with gold.
She is led to the king,
followed by her virgin companions.
A procession of joy and laughter!
a grand entrance of the king's palace!)

Set your mind now on sons---
don't dote on father and grandfather.
You'll set your sons up as princes
all over the earth.
I will make you famous for generations;
you'll be the talk of the town
for a long, long time."



This was a passage given to me this spring by an urban monk I highly respect. I was so sure I knew what it meant then. It is actually a Messianic psalm quoted in the New Testament, applying to Jesus Christ. The meaning is I was meant to find the quill pen in my hand and write about my King. I took it to mean that I, like the bride of the king in this poem, would be getting married imminently, to the man I was just getting reacquainted with at the time this was prayed for me. She said I would burst into bloom and that it would be like that tea where the flower blooms in your cup as you sip it. I would have a garden of my own and it would be a place of blessing and renewal.

I know see I have grown closer to Jesus through all these trials and tribulations. I am part of the bride of Christ, glittering in her wedding gown and waiting expectantly for her groom to step forth.





Among the Lilies
by Suzanne den Boer



When I awakened in the garden.
I was shocked by your power and sheer exuberance
My lips dripped honey; your arms were oak trees
My own vineyard I had neglected.
I never thought I would hear Rachel weeping again
For the children that are no more
The lost ones, the ones ripped out of her womb
The ones never born, while Leah rejoiced



But Rachel was weeping, and I wept too
Where are the children of my dreams?
Those little towheaded rascals?
Those fairy princesses so ethereal
And fair, their curls a garland?
These children are only dreams
This man is a vision of something
I once wanted so badly.



I said good bye to this garden,
To the scholar whose portrait hangs here.
My dreams were mixed as if by a painter
My tapestry was torn in your hands
The weaving unravelling and the flowers
fading: These are the wounds I received
At the house of my friends.
I weep now for the scholar,
For my faded dreams and the
beautiful landscape we once knew.




If you tap commandingly at my window,
I would welcome you as a friend.
And we would sup together.
I love you and so I release you
Like a dove to fly away into the wide,
wide, world.... You must go,
And find your way into the embrace
Of your own calling and your own
dusty path.... bring your sandals,
Not your blue suede shoes.
Please tell me that is a sprig of green
underneath your feet!

Five Smooth Stones

It is remarkable how different serving God can look for different people. Some pack their day full, trying to balance many balls in the air, and always find more to do. Others are more deliberate and decide how their giftings might be best used in the context of their local church or in the hustle and bustle of their every day life.

Some people are blessed with an unflagging energy that pushes them ever outward. Others withdraw into themselves in order to strengthen themselves for their next big push. They are birthing something, and it is near time, but it is not the time to push. It is in this part of the labour that the pain is most intense.

When the child is born, the pain is forgotten in the wonder of the beautiful child. Mothers and Fathers find great joy in watching their children grow and develop.

Our Heavenly Father is the proudest Papa there is, when he sees his children working together with their big brother Jesus, and getting along with all the various off-shoots of his family. We are truly a diverse bunch. Before the cross, Jesus prayed his church might be one, as he and Father are one. The saddest thing for him, other than the dire state of our present world, must be that we argue constantly amongst ourselves.

Wake up church! The bride of Christ is nowhere near ready. Those foolish virgins will never get their lamps trimmed in time with enough oil. Jesus is standing at the door of our hearts and he is knocking. We need to invite him in to share a meal with us. We need to strengthen our brothers and sisters around our world and in our own neighbourhoods. These are the last of the last times and the time is getting short. If the slumbering church does not awaken and start to make the necessary preparations, judgement will fall first on the church. 

Jesus loves his bride, his church, and he wants us all to be ready. Personally I think there are a lot of the things I want to get done before the day of his return. I need to choose carefully where I put my energy and passion, so I can get stronger to do what God is calling me to do. 

The funny thing is Jesus doesn't seem to be waiting for me to get stronger to use me. For His strength is made perfect in weakness. In asking for help, I am able to also encourage others. Just in being real about where I truly am at, I am already working for him. Even small assignments, can have an enormous ripple effect like a stone skipped across the water. Remembering what five smooth stones in the hands of a mighty warrior once did.

Morning Mercies

Sometimes it is remarkable how much more clearly you can see things in the morning. Things that seemed oppressive during the night melt away like the mist at dawn. As believers we do not see the end from the beginning in any case. To us, it is like we are seeing our reflection off a shiny red sports car. We are distorted and we only see ourselves dimly in the presence of this beautiful car.

At times our possessions that we cling to, dim our awareness of our need for God. At other times it is worry choking out our growth. Or maybe in hardship, we simply fall away, due to the pain of the moment. When we do not allow all these things and all this pain to distract us, it is then that we bear much fruit. Jesus stated, "Apart from me you can do nothing."

If I really believed that, I won't go wandering off on some wild goose chase. I would stay in the place and with the people God originally called me. I would sink my roots in deep, remembering I can be transplanted later as God directs.

That is the key: As God directs. Let his will and not mine be done. Mary the mother of God once said to the angel Gabriel, "Let it be to me according to your Word." If only I could have such a moment of utter surrender to the purposes of God. Because he will bring it to pass, once he has spoken. I pray for that day to come soon.

Suzanne as a Hypocrite

In the Shakespearean Sense


I should probably apply for a job as a tragedarian. I would do very well over-inflating people's opinions and passing them on to other people. Think Othello or Romeo and Juliet. I would be the person who simply thinks they have no other option than to become a star-crossed lover.

Of course watching either play you just want to shake some sense into these overly dramatic people. If only Othello didn't allow his jealousy to spin out of control. If he recognized he was different than others, but in a good way, maybe he wouldn't have murdered Desdemona. Or if only Romeo had actually listened to the Friar's wisdom, or Juliet hadn't been so hasty to view all things as lost forever.

Young lovers tend to be dramatic I suppose. But as someone who has tried online dating with disasterous results before, I know my way around love, you would think. However I had never actually been deeply in love with any one. Folly seems to dog my footsteps like a faithful but overly persistent pet.

If I would listen to the voices of wisdom all around me, I certainly would have it in me to be more discerning and discriminating. It is in following poor advice, or my emotions instead of my heart, that I run into trouble. I tend to be overly nice to certain guys, which naturally challenges them to attempt to win my heart through kindness and/or sheer persistance. Some guys have a tough guy personna, but I have more power as a woman than I sometimes recognize. When you play with fire, expect to get singed by the flame.

Creating false expectations is not kind. Trying to match-make various friends is not kind to any one. Did I learn nothing from Emma from Jane Austen? Manipulation of others even with good intentions is never a good idea.

I am basically a push over. I would do anything for the children or seniors that I work with. However, tough love is sometimes necessary for strong-willed children and you can't allow yourself to become a door mat.

If I don't want to remain unsuccessful at love, I have to follow some basic biblical advice: "Guard your heart, for from it issue the well springs of life." When I do marry, I want to be someone who has followed this advice; I already failed in this area before, so I pray for a renewed innocence and purity.

No one should school themselves to be any one's Saviour. Those auditions have already been held. Neither should they actually seek martydom. That happens naturally in this sin-striken world. And absolutely no one is any one's personal Holy Spirit!

Surrendering Your Will

Sometimes joy comes only in the process of surrendering your will to God. Since he knows what is best for all his children, He will always bless you for surrendering your dearest hopes, plans, and dreams to Him.

The answer may be, "No my child I have something better in store." Or perhaps, "Not yet my child. You are simply not ready for what you ask for."

Accepting such an answer is hard, but God knows how to give good gifts to his children. In the waiting and watching, there is a gift from God.

Our heavenly Father will never abandon us in our pain and loss. He also promises a future full of hope and his peace. One day he will wipe each and every tear from our eyes. There will be no more death, or mourning or crying or pain. For all this shall pass away like a shadow.

We will then see clearly what once was clouded by grief and sorrow. Thanks be to God who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ!

Happy...

Things are looking up. Will write more tomorrow.

Mending a Broken Heart

When your heart is broken in the presence of God, he is your Healer. When you make impulsive choices that hurt yourself, as well as those you love, he is your Restorer who rebuilds the ancient cisterns and restores  the broken walls. When life no longer makes sense and seems to have lost all joy and purpose, he is your Redeemer.

Life and choices are not easy. But we have a friend who sticks closer than a brother, Jesus  Christ, the Risen Saviour, who forgives all our sins, heals all our diseases, redeems our life from the pit, and crowns us with love and compassion.

When your heart is shattered in a million pieces and frozen in your chest, he will repair, rebuild, and restore. He loves you enough to restore what was once beautiful and seems broken beyond repair or remedy.

Life is difficult. But God is faithful, and none of his promises will fall to the ground. He remembers the shape of your dreams, and he will bring your vision to pass in his own timing. It is hard to be patient until that day, but he understands we are dust. We are all like grass. The grass withers, and the flowers fall, but the Word of the LORD stands forever, and his purposes to all generations!

I actually wrote this post quite some time ago, before I started my current healthy eating plan. Since I lost too much weight I am now trying to regain muscle mass.

*Not so* recently after gazing upon my reflection in the mirror, I realized my less than toned physique, which could be compared unfavourably with that of a five month pregnant woman, was the result of three of the seven deadly sins gluttony, greed, and sloth. While I may be able to show some restraint at the dinner table by taking smaller portions, my gluttony reveals itself when it comes to sweets, especially chocolate which I will devour in copious amounts. My greedy side comes to light when I am in the store and have to buy a large bar or box of chocolate simply because it is on sale. Without a regular exercise regime and a Zumba drop-out, I display sloth when I turn back from a walk because it is simply too windy. My own mother puts me to shame with her Jillian Michaels routine several times a week while I average one or two walks a week. I contemplate taking up running, but never do so.

Turning my gaze inward, I saw that the other four deadly sins were also present. Pride, envy, lust, and anger were in evidence in my daily life. Pride caused me to consider myself better than some others, while envy made me desire what others had. Anger made me impatient with those who got in my way, and lust caused me to view others as objects. Of the seven, envy has the biggest foothold in my life and causes the most damage. It makes me ungrateful for the blessings in my life, and jealous of others and their lives with their beautiful little families and their successes.

Now I wonder how I can change my inward attitudes and outward habits to transform not only my outward appearance, but also my heart.

Distorted Perceptions

This has been a season in my life of constant distortions. It is rather like I stepped inside of a fun house with all the crazy mirrors. You just can't get a clear view of yourself or others, and it is not fun!


Sometimes you trust people who you shouldn't. At other times you get angry at people for a small thing that shouldn't even be an issue. You allow yourself to be guided by people who take advantage of your vulnerability, which they can sense like blood in the water for a shark.


People who love you get very hurt by all the extremes in your spiraling emotions and you struggle to contain yourself, but don't always even manage to do that.


For some people it may be an amusing spectacle. My life as a reality show would be entertaining, if rather sad and disquieting.


Since April I have been in recovery. I never dreamed it could take this long or cause this much pain and anguish. The good news is that I am, in fact, recovering. I am taking all the steps I know how to do and will continue to work hard this fall at the process.


I now make plans tentatively, as I never know the day to day variables. Emotional rollercoasters are not really fun, but feeling things deeply does make you more compassionate and responsive to others. In the end, you need to discover where the illness ends and where you actually begin. I have a feeling I will never ever be the same; I do not desire to be.


They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I have been forced to strengthen myself spiritually, physically, and psychologically. I am in the process of healing, and the walls are coming down. For this I am grateful to Christ, my family, church families, Christians I have met in the journey, kind strangers, angels, and my dear friends. Life is too rich to give up the battle, and the war is already won!

Sadness, Anger, and Self-Control: After My Jonah Day

Yesterday may have ended well, but I think it was my saddest, most gut-wrenching birthday ever. Life gets messy sometimes and the fall out from extreme emotions is huge.

Right now it is a lot of extreme emotions and only sometimes logic, coherence, order, decorum and self control. The big emotions are anger and sadness.

Forgiveness is a journey. Love is a destination that welcomes you in. Peace and joy are God’s forever promises. In the midst of trials, the sky may darken, but joy comes in the morning!

Jesus carried me last night, close to his chest, all the way up to the summit. Later we will return to the Valley,  but for now I am going to enjoy the breathtaking view!

Despite all my anger, I do have hope in Christ. I have the seal of the Holy Spirit, guaranteeing my inheritance. When this journey is over, I know my final destination. The new heavens and earth will be beyond anything I can ever imagine!

Thanks be to God who gives us the victory through our LORD Jesus Christ!

The 23rd Psalm for Busy People translated from a Japanese version by Koki Mayashina

The Lord is my pacesetter
I shall not rush
He makes me to stop and rest
For quiet intervals;
He provides me with images of stillness
Which restore my serenity;
He leads me in the ways of efficiency
Through calmness of mind
And his guidance is Peace.
Even though I have a great many things
To accomplish each day,
I will not fret
For His presence is here:
His timelessness
His all importance
Keeps me in balance;
He prepares refreshment and renewal
In the midst of my activities,
By anointing my mind
With His oils of tranquility
My cup of joyous energy overflows;
Surely harmony and effectiveness
Shall be the fruit of my hours
And I shall walk in the pace of my Lord
And dwell in His house forever.

Friendship When Worlds Collide: A Poem

At the intersection of two points
When worlds collide
When you find a friend
Who sticks closer than a brother
You will find your way home
Even if your GPS is confused


Wrote this poem during a time of utter chaos in my life. Thankfully I have many friends and family members to light my way. My best friends know who they are: Thanks!

today

Today I choose to follow you,
Today I choose to give my yes
 to you.
Today I choose to hear your voice and live!
Today l choose to follow you.

As for me and my house, we will serve you. As for me and my house, we will spend our lives on you!

Wonderful Counsellor, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace, LORD of all. Willingly we follow.



Brian Doerkson's Lyrics and my prayer.

Slam Dunk

If there was one thing in the world that Joseph loved, it was basketball. If there was one thing he loved more, it was a girl named Rachael. Jospeh promised Rachael the moon and he believed he loved her enough to get it for her. Joseph always practiced basketball on his court out in the country. Surrounded by farm fields Joseph would practice as the sun would set and the moon was rising. He would often reach for the moon and pretend to slam dunk it. Rachael was always on his mind.

In the years that Joseph pursued Rachael, he had a part time job at Wendy's. He worked hard at his job, and on the court but he always worked overtime when it came to his promise to Rachael. Joseph's promises to Rachael included.

1. He promised to one day build her a house on her Grandmother's property
2. He promised to build her an ice castle every winter once they married
3. He promised her the honeymoon of her dreams
4. He promised to buy her a jet plane so they could travel the world
5. He promised he would build their children a huge playground with underground tunnels and waterslides
6. Of course he always promised her the moon

Rachael always turned Joseph away, telling him to be more realistic. She would get annoyed every time he offered her the moon. She called him a dreamer and told him he was trying to achieve the impossible. When it came to basketball she told him he wasn't even any good. Joseph was devastated!

Time passed and Joseph and Rachael parted ways. Joseph moved to Louisville where he got a scholarship playing basketball and eventually the made the Toronto Raptors. Rachael stayed home and started dating Joseph's arch rival, Calvin.

A year had passed and Calvin had secured a decent job. For their anniversary, he decided to take Rachael on a surprise date. There was a limo, roses, champagne, and of course game 7 tickets to the NBA finals in Toronto. Joseph did not see them during the game, but he ended up posting a 33 point night along with a 3 point buzzer beater that won them the NBA championship. For the first time, Rachael found Joseph attractive and appealing. She waved and tried to get his attention as he held the prize trophy over his head. Rachael hoped that maybe he still loved her.

After flexing for the cameras, Joseph did notice Rachael in the crowd, screaming his name. Joseph crossed the rose-petaled, Gatorade drenched floor, and said hello. With a big smile on his face he brought Rachael over and introduced her to his fiancee.... Jennifer Lopez :)


Of course in my version of this tale, Rachael and Joseph would end up together and J-Lo would not even feature, but compromises must be made in artistic collaberations.

Kahil Gibran on Love

Kahlil Gibran on Love 

When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams
as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.

When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, "I am in the heart of God."
And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

This has to be my favourite poem right now. I don't know much about the poet, but I will be reading more of his work, you can be sure.

Mother Goose

Mother GOOSE

My Mom

thinks me perfection

only slightly marred

by my depression

She wants me to mind

My "P's and Q's"

but I can't give her

Any clues!

She has no guile

Only a smile,

I only wish

She would kiss

Away my hurt

And make me some dessert

Lemon meriangue

or Chocolate mousse

If only...

she wasn't

Such a goose!

I wrote this poem after being angry with my mother for most of one night. I think I forgave her?

Teddy and the Moon Walka Walka's

Ok. I definitely contributed to this story. Co creators Frank (N Stein) and Jesse. A volunteer drafted it and I made one last edit. More stories to come involving time travel, super heroes, and cheaters.... stay tuned.



Deep in the wilderness of Croatia there lived a bear named Teddy and his friend Beyonce. From a young age all Teddy wanted to do was dance. Beyonce used to sit for hours and watch him practice. Beyonce taught him a few simple moves. She always believed in him. She gave confidence and inspired him very much.

Teddy was known as a prankster. He would often sneak up on unsuspecting campers and scare them, then quickly bust into a dance, leaving some campers feeling better and laughing, and some just getting more scared. He would then disappear into the woods.

One day some people from Barnum and Bailey's circus captured Teddy and forced him to wear disco clothes and dance in their circus. Teddy went from an exuberant prankster, who was always happy, to feeling depressed, and wishing he could once again hang out at the many dumps and garbage bins of his youth, where the food was, to be frank, much better. He was so mortified that he no longer wanted to dance. After a few months in captivity Teddy seized an opportunity to escape. With his huge paws he managed to break free from his cage. On his way to freedom, he grabbed the cash box and headed home.

As soon as Teddy reached home he jumped into the lake and took a bath. Feeling refreshed, and dripping wet, he danced on the beach. Performing each move to perfection, Teddy danced every one of Michael Jackson's famous moves, but without the white glove. He thrust his hips, threw his arms upwards, and moon walked the beach. The Jackson five and disco music filled the air.

Pretty soon wild animals appeared from everywhere to watch Teddy dance. First some coyotes, then a few deer, next some robins. Finally some escaped lions, tigers and zebras appeared. Last of all potato bugs and cockroaches watched the famous moves of the skilled dancer with something approaching awe.

And, yes, Beyonce, was also there. The hit song Single Ladies found Beyonce and Teddy dancing together, as Sleazy Bear watched from the sidelines. Sleazy was a slightly forward bear, and endlessly whipped her hair in an attempt to draw Teddy's attention. This hair whipping was slightly tempting to a bear of Teddy's sensibilities; however Beyonce had him in raptures, unknown to him until this point.

In the years that followed Teddy and Beyonce taught the other bears how to dance. They formed a group called "Teddy and the Moon Walka Walkas" and hit the bigtime. They held a show in Maple Leaf Gardens that sold out in one day. With their progeny, they relaxed together in Florida, Bora Bora, and Hawaii, with resplendent homes at each extensive property. Teddy still visited the dumps too, but they happily lived in the beauty of their world, dancing for the rest of their days.

May 5, 1945 and May 5, 2015: A Story Seventy Years in the Making

Well, the story I intended to post here, has yet to be found. There are at least three stories I have never found back, one about cheating and laundry, written up by the recreation therapist with content mainly from Frank and myself, and one about a time-travelling GI that was written on May 5, 2015 in honour of V-day. It was inspired by Frank, who was from Croatia (before it was called Croatia), and had been in the military; the Recreation therapist wrote it up so splendidly I can never hope to duplicate it, and actually would not want to. Also I am not allowed to return to that particular ward, ever. The head nurse was very explicit that she only wants to see me again in the grocery store.

However May 5th, 1945 was a momentous day in the history of the world. It is the date for the liberation of the Netherlands, known as V day, in these parts. There are so many different V days though. On May 5th, the Germans surrendered and the Dutch people welcomed the Canadian soldiers with great joy and celebration.

Around this time, my Opa and Oma den Boer met, while on parade, and of course Grandpa and Grandma Beekman, having met and corresponded in the war, were now free to make wedding plans and soon immigrated to Canada. Opa and Oma den Boer ended up in France for a number of years, before making their way to Canada, having four of their five children on a primitive farm, somewhere close enough to Paris that my father was eventually born there, a number of weeks premature. As I have written before, he was fed sea water by the nurses, and did not see his mother very often. My Opa pretended to be a doctor just to see him, and was rather disappointed in his tiny size. None of the nurses were fooled, however, by his supposed lab coat.

Grandpa and Grandma Beekman began life in Canada on a farm somewhere in the heartland of Ontario, where, as Grandma related later, she was required to live in a shack, and also bring the blankets for the night, back to the main house every morning. They were called Displaced Persons or D.P. 's and would move around quite a bit as their young family grew to five. My mother was the only girl and second in line. Her older brother was a good sort of boy, but at first had difficulty with English. My grandma was to learn English so well, in her later years she was a champion Scrabble player. Around the time I was born, Grandpa and Grandma were living in Florida, where Grandpa worked for one of his bosses, building a golf course and maintaining it. So I did go to Florida, but have very little recollection of it. My earliest memory is of my baby brother in the air plane. I demanded that my father open the window of the air plane for me, as I must have felt somewhat confined. John had a bassinet where he actually got to sleep.... Not sure if I did or not.

Anyways, I digress. On May 5, 2015 I walked around the Labyrinth at Saint Joseph's hospital and top of my mind was V-day. It had just been painted, and I probably was one of the first to make that trek. It was dedicated recently on the September 22nd, I believe. I had done the Labyrinth before, when it used to be hedges, a couple of times, before the new hospital was built, when I was a patient in 2005 and afterwards with a good friend.

The story we wrote that day, involving time travel, and rescuing of people in a factory in the Netherlands, and an epic celebration complete with chocolate, dancing, and jazz hands following the War, and after the rebuilding of the decimated country, was very inspirational. Frank was quite an amazing guy, and could be depended upon for good advice. He was pretending he was in a first class hotel, so naturally I pretended I was in a spa, in between feeling like I was in a monastery or prison. He had his own issues, but I never for a minute doubted his story or his integrity. I met a number of fabulous people at the hospital, and Frank was one about half a dozen patients I will never forget!

Jericho

Joshua Blowing His Trumpet....





And the walls falling down!







As Rahab hangs her Scarlett Thread......

Joshua Blowing His Horn

SAdB

I Will Change Your Name

By D.J. Butler

I will change your name

You shall no longer by called

Wounded, out cast Lonely or afraid

I will change your name

Your new name shall be

Confidence, joyfulness

Overcoming One

Faithfulness, friend of God

One who seeks My Face

Change is... important in life because without it you

          can't grow

... without it there would be no seaside castles

     nestled in the midst of gardens

... no secret hideaways bursting with life

... no glorious resurrections, no brightly coloured

     eggs hidden in secret

           dark corners

               beneath a sea shell...

            in some seaside resort

          as the sun rises

              on a beautiful new day....

All things bright and beautiful

All creatures great & small

All things wise & wonderful

The LORD God Made Them All!

After a long barren winter I am a garden bursting

in bloom .... a lily of the Valley

     Suzanne Allison

           I will become myself

              As I really Am!

Some Ponderings

100 More Aprons?

Awhile ago I ran out of disposable one time use aprons for my foot care job I have been doing for over a year, extremely part-time. I wondered if I should order any more. Proper nursing standards would indicate you should have a fresh one for each client. I had ordered them more than a year ago online from a place that sold them for food industry purposes and they weren't individually packed like the ones I had split with the two other nurses who were doing the course of studies with me back in the summer of 2013. I think there were probably a hundred of them, but I couldn't be sure, as I had never counted them. So when they were all gone I wondered if that meant I had done over one hundred visits.

I really didn't want to order any more somehow. Maybe it was realizing how little I had made there in black and white on my T4 and how much energy I had poured into the job. It could have been the fact I was paying half what I made on gas and other car expenses, and spending twice what I made in tools and supplies, or so it seemed. There was so much prep time preparing documents and tools, phoning clients, rescheduling appointments, and then there was the half hour or more it took to clean your tools at the end of the day, all that travel time, the extra documentation you did at home for no pay, the insurance you had to fork out due to the high risk of something going terribly wrong. The inconvenient truth was I could make twice as much with my other home care job for six hour shift that involved far less driving and ended when the visit was over and you signed off on your phone, instead of so much later in the day. One day seeing three clients in one day as well as attending a CPR class kept me busy until 11 pm before all the work was done.  Far more than I would like I have had to decline last minute shift opportunities for my other job in order to keep my foot care appointments I was committed to completing.

 Foot care in the home is not a very profitable business, for any one, and you have to be willing to take a loss in order to build up any kind of business. Unfortunately it felt like I was taking the brunt of the losses while my company struggled to collect the bills and clients came and went. Sometimes I have had to wrestle for over an hour to get a client's neglected feet into some semblance of proper order. At times I haven't known if my clients even have a firm grasp on their personal history, let alone their health conditions. Sometimes as I am wearing my mask, knowing they probably can't hear a word I am saying, struggling to give them some advice about caring for their feet they can't even manage to rub cream on by themselves any more, I wonder if I am really helping them as much as I would like to. Somehow the sensation test seems a little pointless when you are not sure they even understand your instructions.  And there are the feet that haunt you a little, because you know something is a little off, but you can't diagnose what exactly is wrong... As a nurse it is not really your job to diagnose, but when should you tell them to see a doctor?

 So I had kind of decided to quit. I could get into something like palliative care or some other area. Some other nurse could take over my clients. Then a nagging thought came to me that there were very few nurses who were sticking with this rather demanding, financially unrewarding work. Sure I did joke with one client I should be paying him as he patiently showed me some helpful tips for dealing with his chronic ingrown toenail. But I felt a little taken advantage of, a lowly foot care nurse, making a different rate than the other nurses, and seeing my bank account slowly descend rather than grow.

But a couple of days I ago I had a realization. I actually would do this job without any remuneration. Please don't tell my company. I love it! I love the clients I have gradually gotten to know, being a visitor in their homes whether in a cluttered dingy place smelling of cigarette smoke or a beautiful well appointed apartment.  I even love the satisfaction of cutting really really long toenails and realizing you have just made a difference to your client's mobility and health. Some of my clients have been palliative; I get to care for their feet and maybe help a little by my kindness as they are facing death. I have grown so much in my confidence that I no longer even dread the first visit, the unknowns of what I will face. One client in Oakville I often complained lived too far away for me to be earning anything at all with the one hour visit, I miss the most, and wonder whether she is okay after her fall. I know many of my clients have few other options when they are housebound, rejected by other companies due to liability issues since they are diabetic or on blood thinners, and completely unable to care for their own feet any longer, ashamed at how long their toe nails have grown.

Yesterday, I came to a definite decision and emailed the person who had hired me that I had decided to stay. That I would make a complete reversal within the same day and today be ready to write my resignation letter is another story. Thankfully a very capable administrator talked me down and made a couple of important phone calls to clarify some issues that had made continuing seem an utter impossibility. In this season of my life, it may be time to order another hundred aprons.

Trust

This Good Friday, I attended a beautiful, meaningful service at the church where I grew up, professed my faith, and spent part of my young adulthood. I sat with my friend from childhood, her husband, and her parents who have always been a special part of our lives. It was good to be given some time, however brief, to reflect on just how much Christ suffered out of a love that is unfathomable, in order to pay for my redemption, healing, and wholeness. He has opened a way so I can become like him, the most amazing person who has ever walked on this planet. And now he is there right beside me, walking me through the valleys and to the fearsome heights. And today I realised that being here with him is really the safest place I can be, whatever may come.

When I am afraid, he says "fear not" and "I am with you." When I say "I cannot do it" he tells me "try, I will help you." Many times he reminds of the beauty he created, both inner and outer, when I was woven together in my mother's womb. He tells me that he has good plans for my life, though he does not promise a pain-free life without suffering or loss. He does promise that one day he will wipe every tear from my eyes, and he demonstrates that he values my tears so much that he stores them in a bottle. Especially in my childhood and youth, tears were frequent, even for small things, so I figure that bottle is probably holding quite a large volume by now.

Thinking of Christ as the Good Shepherd has always been a way to find a sense of peace for me. I picture myself in his arms, being carried, or I relax beside the peaceful stream, knowing I am cared for and watched over. My professor in university made a good point that sometimes we think of all the things we should or must do for the kingdom of God, but sometimes we just have to "be." To be God's child, to be his beloved, to be the lamb of the Good Shepherd who was willing to lay down his life for the sheep. On a day like today, when we remember the high cost of our redemption, the stripes which bring our healing, and the love that kept Jesus on the cross through the agony of being separated from his Father and the excruciating  physical pain as he struggled for each breath, we should realise that we can trust him in this time and moment as well whatever we may face. On the cross, Christ was not a victim, but a victor who has bought us back from the kingdom of darkness, and proclaimed our release and freedom from bondage. When he rose again on the third day, he gave those from whom he died a new resurrected life, and his victory over death and hell became gloriously real and tangible. On Good Friday, we remember that Easter is coming!

Springtime

I know it is not officially here for a couple of days, but it is springtime! It was a little chilly today, but the sun is shining and the snow has almost disappeared completely.

[in Just-]

BY E. E. CUMMINGS

in Just-

spring          when the world is mud-

luscious the little

lame balloonman

whistles          far          and wee

and eddieandbill come

running from marbles and

piracies and it's

spring

when the world is puddle-wonderful

the queer

old balloonman whistles

far          and             wee

and bettyandisbel come dancing

from hop-scotch and jump-rope and

it's

spring

and

         the

                  goat-footed

balloonMan          whistles

far

and

wee

Recalling the joys of analyzing poems like this. And thinking happy, springtime thoughts. "Lo the winter is over and past, the rain is over and gone. The flowers appear on the earth; the time of singing has come..." That quote from Song of Songs just came back to my memory, although I had to look it up to get the complete text. 

This spring I am hoping to begin to get fit, take some courses for my nursing career, and find that elusive full-time hours job or jobs. Also I want to figure how I should make use of what is in my hand. Moses had his staff and God used it for miraculous things. What is in my hand is a pen, I mean symbolically not literally, as of course at this moment I am typing. 

This spring will bring new things with work, friendships, and relationships. Things are in flux, but they are also blossoming, blooming, and full of life!

Plenty of Fish

The moment I decided to attend the Christian singles mixer party my friend was hosting, I hadn't pictured myself as the only female attendee for the first part of the evening. But there I was, the wall flower, sitting encircled by a half-dozen eligible men in a dimly lit bar inspired by Edgar Allan Poe's the Raven, awkwardly making conversation with help from an icebreaker game. Scarlett O'Hara surrounded by adoring beaus I was most definitely not. When the other two women showed up, they sat together at the bar and put their icebreaker games in their purses, meaning I won the door-prize for the women by default.

I tried not to think about how disappointing this event might turn out for every one, and focused on small talk and polite conversation about work, hobbies and interests. One man turned out to be not only a winter camping enthusiast but also a registered nurse who was an expert in foot care nursing, having run his own business for over ten years. I was able to glean some valuable information from him as I am also a foot care nurse.  Another man was a recent immigrant from Lebanon who was a scientist who worked in the food industry. Yet another was an outdoorsman who was a machinist. They all seemed like decent people. A couple men offered to buy me a drink, but I declined as I rarely have alcohol.

Gradually the small crowd dwindled to four people, counting the hostess of the event. We sat at the bar and discussed our work and cultural and family backgrounds. Since I had won a gift certificate for the bar, I attempted to buy a drink, but it is hard to order something that has no alcohol or sugar at a bar, and bars apparently don't charge for water garnished with a lemon. When I realised that this elementary fact should have been obvious to me, I was rather embarrassed to have offered payment. My next thought was to order a drink for some one else, as I didn't think it likely I would be returning to this venue, but the two people I asked had already imbibed their personal limit of one drink for the evening.

At ten the music was cranked up, but no one was dancing. Conversation became more difficult due to the noise level. My friend and I made plans to go back some time to use the gift certificate, and we exited the bar together along with the last man to leave the singles mixer party, who happened to be the registered nurse. He offered me contact information so I could ask him for professional advice regarding foot care. It wasn't the evening I had expected, especially since the last event my friend planned had had ten times as many people show up and more of a gender balance. Still it certainly was a stretching experience, and more of an adventurous Saturday night than I am used to having.

Perspective

There are two totally different ways to look at life. One is of a history of failures, setbacks, disappointments, and missed opportunities. The other is a story of lessons learned, challenges faced, holy encounters, and blessings in disguise.

 In the last little while I have had two disappointments. The one today I didn't handle very well, and in a moment I seemed to have lost all the progress I thought I had made. Negative things came from my mouth and they seemed very true and realistic, but in fact, they had the truth all twisted and distorted. 

This may be a challenge I have to overcome, but it is not the end of my journey. God does have a good plan for my life, but my life at times includes learning from failures, struggling through setbacks, dealing with disappointments of things I have wanted but are not God's will, and sometimes missing the mark. Through it all, God is working all things for my good and he is drawing me closer to himself. 

God knows the desires of my heart, and he created my heart. He is good, faithful, and true and as I delight myself in who he is and what he has done, he will fulfill the desires of my heart and also recreate my heart to be more in tune with him. Some of my desires may change in the process and as my life unfolds, I may understand better why God has said "no" or "not yet" or "wait" for petitions I have made to him. God wants me succeed at the things he has designed and purposed for me to do and he knows the end from the beginning. If I ask for his guidance, direction and wisdom, I can trust him to answer my prayer. He is able to do so much more than I would ever ask or imagine.

How to Find One's Life By First Losing It

Being self-absorbed comes naturally. If there is a mirror in the room, chances are I am checking out my reflection, even as I am conversing with other people. When I get a hair-cut, I want people to notice and compliment me. Since I lost some weight, I weigh myself with even more frequency. Often in conversations, I catch myself bringing the discussion back to myself, which is my favourite topic though maybe not as fascinating as I think. Though I receive many spontaneous compliments, sometimes I am guilty of fishing for one. At times, I spend so much time looking inward, I fail to notice people with needs all around me.

Self-denial on the other hand, goes against my natural tendencies. How I can give of myself sacrificially to others is not immediately obvious to me in any given situation; More on my mind is how will this affect me and my plans or how does this person feel about me.

Selfishness is my default setting. If I don't try to put myself in another person's shoes or attempt to think of others, I won't consider their needs above mine.

It is all too often all about me. That's why I find Jesus' words so challenging as paraphrased by Eugene Peterson: "Any one who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You're not in the driver's seat; I  am. Don't run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I'll show you how. Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to finding yourself, your true self. What kind of deal is it to get everything you want but lose yourself? What could you ever trade your soul for?"

I guess if I am truly following Jesus, instead of just talking about following Jesus, he will lead me in this way of self-sacrifice and show me how it is done. He has already demonstrated a love that was willing to suffer, to empty himself, to give his life as a sacrifice. In his life, he was a servant, obedient to the Father. Even though he was God, he made himself nothing. My life has to become about him and about the people he has placed in my life. I need to radically change my focus and only then will I find my life as it was meant to be lived.

Of Darkness and Dawn

When the thought crossed my mind again, I realised it had been awhile, really quite some time, since it had transversed the well-worn path etched into my brain. I did not welcome its return. It was a thing of winter, of gloom, of dark, bare, empty places and of despair. It stank of hopelessness, fear, and death.

Four simple words: I want to die. This recurring thought most often emerged when I faced something difficult, when I was stressed, or when I contemplated the future, not in a dreamy, optimistic light but in a nihilistic, nightmarish view. I want to die. Sometimes I dwelt on the thought, other times I pushed it aside. Most of the time, it had no semblance of truth, nothing more than a shadowy presence. It dissolved into nothing when forced into the light. But always it came back.

I want to die. If it had ever been true, it wasn't now. I want to live. I want to grow, to stretch, to burst into glorious bloom. I want to develop in many directions, to be a channel of vitality, to foster life.

I want to live. I want to experience delight and joy, beauty and passion. I want to be grateful for each breath, to breathe in goodness and exhale grace. I want to live... truly. I want my path forward to be "like the light of the dawn, which shines brighter and brighter until full day" as the ancient writer described the way of the righteous. This proverb was given to me as a word of promise last year. Though darkness is real, by God's grace I will see that dawning brightness.

I want to live. I want to born anew as Jesus once told Nicodemus. It is a thing of spring, new beginnings, of light, and hope. It is truer than the darkness ever could be.