This has been a season in my life of constant distortions. It is rather like I stepped inside of a fun house with all the crazy mirrors. You just can't get a clear view of yourself or others, and it is not fun!
Sometimes you trust people who you shouldn't. At other times you get angry at people for a small thing that shouldn't even be an issue. You allow yourself to be guided by people who take advantage of your vulnerability, which they can sense like blood in the water for a shark.
People who love you get very hurt by all the extremes in your spiraling emotions and you struggle to contain yourself, but don't always even manage to do that.
For some people it may be an amusing spectacle. My life as a reality show would be entertaining, if rather sad and disquieting.
Since April I have been in recovery. I never dreamed it could take this long or cause this much pain and anguish. The good news is that I am, in fact, recovering. I am taking all the steps I know how to do and will continue to work hard this fall at the process.
I now make plans tentatively, as I never know the day to day variables. Emotional rollercoasters are not really fun, but feeling things deeply does make you more compassionate and responsive to others. In the end, you need to discover where the illness ends and where you actually begin. I have a feeling I will never ever be the same; I do not desire to be.
They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I have been forced to strengthen myself spiritually, physically, and psychologically. I am in the process of healing, and the walls are coming down. For this I am grateful to Christ, my family, church families, Christians I have met in the journey, kind strangers, angels, and my dear friends. Life is too rich to give up the battle, and the war is already won!
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