What I have to live for...

Some days I have a longing for the ease of death... no more struggling, stress, and uncertainty. And sometimes I dwell on it and mull it over in my mind. I know it is wrong, but it gives me a certain perverse pleasure to imagine an end to it all. But there is a reason I am still on this planet and there is a calling I have to fulfill. So what is it I have to live for?

As I write this, I admit that ideas are not flooding into my mind, vying for my attention.

Yes I once took comfort in the thought of ending my life. I wrote the above in a dark period of my life, when darkness seemed to envelop my soul, like a thick cloud of smoke. My companions were doubt, grief, guilt, anger turned inward, and apathy. The dark night of the soul is a time of silence, when you are tested and tried and toss and turn in sleeplessness. You don't know if you can trust yourself, let alone God.

I think I caused Jesus additional suffering, hanging on that cross, because I couldn't accept grace for myself. I might as well have nailed him to my tree myself and then pierced his side. Why did he do it? What am I worth to him?

I am worth the cost, because he sees me clothed in white and scarlet. He offers me gold, and incense, and myrrh, when all I want to do is fall at his feet and wipe his feet with my tears and my precious hair. I would spill it all out, and I would wipe his feet dry. But He asks, "Woman, why are you crying?"

I'm crying, because I don't feel worthy, and I'm not. But I am accepted regardless. And he takes away my filthy rags, as he sees me kicking about in my own blood, and he heals me with one look and touch, and then he clothes me with his righteousness and offers me a suit of his own armour, which may seem ill-fitting at first.

The belt of truth is important, as is the breast-plate of righteousness, and the shoes of the readiness of the gospel of peace. The shield of faith is key, but the only offensive weapon is the word of God, and Jesus Christ himself is the WORD made Flesh. He is the companion I trust the most on this journey, but I am joined by a Fellowship of fellow believers. Some I will see again, others I may not. I accept that I must leave people as I find them, and this is a hard lesson. I am not the guide on this trip.

Let go and Let God.


The Lily of Truth
Suzanne Alison