Emptied to be Filled

The past four months have been a little like priming a pump. All this love, joy, and peace has been poured into me from other people, and each time I reached capacity, all this glorious spring water could overflow, like the cup that overflows in Psalm 23.

A table was spread out with a decadent feast, in the presence of both friends, enemies and frienemies. I knew there were demonic influences there, as the oppression was palpable and tangible, but I also knew I was surrounded by angels, and good people who might as well have been angels.

Eventually springs of living water could flow out, but then I became dry and parched again. So I would reach out to spiritual care, or get a new pair of pants for next to nothing or pay nothing at all for the beautiful top, or I would go to a group on gratitude, or I would attempt to play basketball or badminton, or I would attend a service on Thursday or Sunday or go to the weekly Bible study. And then once I was encouraged, and filled, and feed both spiritually and physically, I was able to help others at much as was appropriate at the time, mindful that I could only point to the source of water, whether physical or spiritual and that I could not force any one to drink.

Sometimes I made errors in judgement, sometimes I overreached, and sometimes I sinned in my motivations and execution. But I learnt to be more patient, offer myself and others the license to make mistakes and to learn from them and grow. I learnt to be kinder to myself and to others that I love. I learnt about God's Great Faithfulness, and the faithfulness of my family and friends in their unflagging support. I was taught about loyalty to a cause and to people I care about, even when I sometimes questioned their judgement. I learnt about the gentleness of the Holy Spirit, and how to be more gentle in my manner.  I discerned that those who give grace to others, receive graciousness back, and that God's grace is totally undeserved, but also totally free, with no strings attached; other than you have to accept it and realize you need it.

There is no true hierarchy in the family of God. All are merely servants, and often friends of God, but sometimes in the economy of mercy it seems backwards. To him (or her) to whom much is given, much will be demanded. Also the first are often last, and the last are often first, and the best servants are those who fade back into obscurity and go on to live quiet lives.

I don't know many things. When will I go back to work? What will happen at Christmas? How will the relationships I have formed play out?

I am certain of the solidity of my friendships, and my immediate and extended family will always have my love and loyalty, but none of us are perfect and better ways of relating will start with me. I can adjust my communication style and find the opportune moment to address certain concerns and frustrations.

I guess now I am maturing beyond my adolescence, and into adulthood, and let me tell you, adulting can be uncomfortable, but it's fun and rewarding too.

So now I have found love in so many places, I will give love in other places, but I will remember to always prime the pump, or nothing but muddy water can pour out...  Self control and discipline is the hardest fruit for me, but I have not been given a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind.

The secret of being content, in any or every situation?  It starts with gratitude for whom and what you already have. But developing a grateful heart is hard work, when everything you love appears to be striped away. This new heart that you receive, a heart of flesh, exchanged for the heart of stone, is more easily damaged and it becomes wounded more easily. You are more vulnerable and less in control. That vulnerability leaves yourself open to getting hurt, but in the Great Exchange, this potential wounding matters less. Life is tough, and you have to tough, especially if you're a boy named Sue; thanks for that thought Johnny Cash!