Memory Lane

It's been over a year since I was discharged from the hospital, still not well and on all the wrong medications, after having spent a number weeks there. It took until the fall to make the necessary medication adjustments and it was nearly winter before I was cleared to start work again. Early in the New Year I found myself deep into a depression that robbed me of joy, initiative, creativity, ability to concentrate, and confidence in myself. I didn't want to do anything and found no pleasure in what had once delighted me. I took a medical leave from work and stopped blogging. I felt I had lost the close connection with God that had once sustained me.

It was a long, bleak winter, but as spring came things were starting to improve again. I began volunteering once a week and felt ready to return to work, although there wasn't an immediate opportunity for me at my agency as I had hoped for. I finally was able to complete a crocheting project I hadn't been able to finish in time for my sister's January wedding. I have a shift back at work next week and am hopeful it will lead to more.

Looking back it is a year I never want to have to repeat. Living through such a spring and summer you are somewhat insulated from the true terribleness of it, but in hindsight you think, "oh yes I did make that brilliant decision back then and I really did believe that outlandish thing to be true."

Finding forgiveness for myself and others was a seemingly gargantuan task. Miscommunication, disconnection, and carelessness of my family doctor at the time. There's enough blame to spread around to every one involved, but blaming someone for doing what you specifically asked them to do? Blaming a psychiatrist for not talking to my parents or my out patient psychiatrist? Yes, I could pin the blame on him, but it wouldn't be productive. I could blame myself too, and I have, but I can no longer blame my psychotic self for things that went down years ago. I'm trying to break the pattern, and that begins with forgiving myself and all those involved in the debacle back then.

16/06/16