Friend Requests

One simple word of encouragement can make such a difference. Even a genuine smile or gentle hug can lift the spirits. I am fortunate to have people in my life who will ask me how I am doing and actually listen for my response.

Lately I have been struggling with negativity and lower moods. Sometimes I don't even struggle I just stay there awhile and wallow in self-pity. Do I actually find that enjoyable? Maybe there is a sense of perverse pleasure, but it doesn't help me move forward in life and it doesn't produce anything positive or upbuilding.

I let little things or bigger frustrations get me down. I have a woe-is-me feel-sorry-for-me look on my face that is decidedly unattractive. I worry and fret about things beyond my control and I fail to tackle the things within my scope. I feel adrift and without hope for my situation to improve. Disappointments and setbacks leave me miserable and fears fill my thoughts about the future.

It is almost if I am living my life without Christ any longer in the equation. He hasn't changed and remains faithful and true and dependable. But my emotions and thoughts are out of control and somehow I can't seem to reign them in. My prayers feel powerless and without purpose. My devotions seem perfunctory and what once seemed rich and full of meaning in the Scriptures now seems dry and barren. I attend a prayer service and can't seem to concentrate or focus, and I feel a sense of apathy wash over me. What once would energize and delight me fails to move me.

Yet, objectively I am actually situated better than this summer or fall. Even though work is slow and I haven't been getting the shifts I hoped for by now, my mental health is much improved and I am much more capable of working. I remain blessed by caring family and friends. It is just my attitude to life that has changed.

I know I need an attitude adjustment and I need to stop believing all the negative garbage that is going through my head. I need to plan and dream again. I need God. I need Him to help me change the way I think and to fill me with joy and peace and faith. Without Him, life is bleak winter without hope or promise of spring. In writing this I realize that I have difficulty articulating the hope, life, and vitality found in God or believing that this bleak winter has an end in a glorious spring.

This post was actually composed back in the last calendar year. I returned to the hospital on the eighth of August and I am about to to be discharged, on Monday of next week. I will be posting something about my journey to wellness, after acute psychosis and elevated mood at a later time. I have let go of alot of things, but the gifts I received in return are priceless. Right now it is a process of continuing to let go of perfectionism, trying to control others when I feel out of control myself, and passive, aggressive, and passive agressive communication styles, while reaching out for love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, goodness, and self control. I need to break alot of unhealthy patterns, and that has necessiatated that I let go of a dear friend. The blind can't lead the blind, and expect to reach a good destination. This time around the mountain I got higher than ever before, but when I descend back to the valley, I will have sturdy hiking boots and a guide (Jesus).

New Beginnings

I am sitting here in my too-tight shorts, damp with sweat, in my messy bedroom, thinking back to a svelte, enthusiastic me and wondering how I can lose some of the weight while regaining the passion. I haven't written here in forever, perhaps a symptom of the lack of enthusiasm, and I was just looking over some unpublished entries that I will likely never post. Life continues to go on, and I've been working the night shift part-time as a nurse for over a year now. I am planning on moving out of my parent's house in July and living with a roommate in the main floor of a house not far away. I still have to sign the lease, and I worry about all the expenses of independent living. I've applied for another line which would be six additional shifts a month and would mean leaving the night shift behind while taking on a lot more responsibility. 

So in a best case scenario, I love independent living, making my own dinners and keeping a tidy house, I get more shifts at work and love the challenge and additional income, I become disciplined in my eating habits and get regular exercise, watching the pounds melt away. Meanwhile I expand my social life and become involved in some volunteering or hobbies. I get along well with my room-mate and make new friends.

I won't get into too much of a worst case scenario in which I find independent living unaffordable and isolating, and my eating habits only worsen while I live in squalor and discord. I definitely will miss the perks and benefits of living with my parents, but I can't do so forever.

New beginnings can be hopeful, but they can also be scary. No stage in your life can last forever, and eventually you have to face up to all the responsibilities of adulthood and take ownership of your life. At thirty seven years old, I need to embrace my independence and step forward into a new phase of life.

The Passage of Time

Since my last post, I have two new nieces, Amanda Grace, fifth child of my oldest sister, and Casey Michelle, first child of my third youngest sister, I've started a new part-time nursing job working nights at a retirement community, after spending some weeks working at a greenhouse, and I've lost more than fifteen pounds. By the end of this summer, my brother will be married, my Dad will turn sixty-five and be one year from retirement, and I will be thirty-seven years old. Needless to say, time is passing by, mostly undocumented on this blog.

Overall I'm doing better than a year ago, and much better than two years ago. I still need to find a little more purpose to my days, but at least I am working and working in my field. Also my mental health has seen a big improvement.

I've never really had a five year plan or ten year plan for my life, but I'm not at the place I might have expected five years ago or a decade ago. Eleven years ago, I aspired to be a professor in the field of biblical studies. Five years ago, I was a novice nurse. Dreams for my life would have included getting married and having children, maybe owning a home, and having a full-time successful career.

When I was twenty-nine, I made a list of thirty things to do before I turned thirty which I posted on this blog here. Some of these things I have accomplished or made some progress in, but other ones I still haven't done all these years later. I have yet to take a pottery class, join a book club, travel to a foreign country other than the US, perform ten consecutive push-ups successfully, go on an overnight canoe trip, play even a single tennis game, and I've never even attempted a lemon meringue pie. Making these goals was a fun exercise and it did encourage me towards completing some of them.

I'm wondering if I should make a formal five year and ten year plan with concrete goals to work towards. Life is unpredictable, especially when dealing with a mental illness, but if I don't make any plans or goals, it might just pass me by.

Nope, Just Fat

In July of 2014, I began following the Trim Healthy Mama plan after being introduced to it by my sister. By December of that year I had lost twenty-five pounds and I continued to lose weight in the early months of 2015. I was very disciplined in my eating, cutting out sugar, and alternating consuming meals with higher fat and low carbs with eating meals with more carbs and low fat according to the principles set forth by sisters and THM founders Pearl Barrett and Serene Allison, leaving at least three hours between meals and ensuring each meal had sufficient protein. While it wasn't the first time I lost a significant amount of weight, it was the first time my weight loss was unconnected to a change in medication.

I stopped following THM when I landed in the hospital in April of 2015 and apart from a brief period in the fall of 2015, I haven't followed it since that time. My gradual weight gain was at first unalarming, but it continually crept up. I am now thirty pounds above my ideal weight and I know I am eating way too many treats and unhealthy foods and not exercising enough. My clothes are tight or no longer fit at all and my waist-line is bulging. Each month I seem to add another three or four pounds.

Recently I resolved to cut out sugar again as much as possible for the four weeks of November, but this resolution did not survive long and I soon was eating my Mom's home made chocolate chip cookies without restraint.

This past week someone at my volunteer job asked me if I was expecting a baby, concerned that I should not be carrying too much in my supposed pregnant state.

Today after stepping on the scale and seeing yet another two pound gain, I decided that I could not continue in this manner. While I have not decided to return to THM as yet, I do need to again have some restraint in the way I am eating. Too often I eat because of boredom or because something tastes good and I just want more of it. So I am going to discipline myself to cut back on portions and stay away from sugary foods and late night snacking. I am also going to go on more walks, at least five times a week.

Maybe instead of gaining another five pounds over the Christmas season, I will actually be able to have a modest weight loss. If these measures don't get any results, I just may reconsider trying Trim Healthy Mama again.

Chasing the Wind

I recently was challenged to write a mission statement for my life at a class I am taking on Wednesday evenings. There were several questions meant to stimulate thought about what is important in your life. As I answered them I realized that I am living a life with limited vision, disconnected from my values and that ways I once used to renew myself physically, mentally, and spiritually have fallen into disuse. My life has narrowed and become purposeless.

It is not simply that I have become unproductive without meaningful employment and engagement. It is also that I have failed to prioritize my friendships and relationships and become self-absorbed and unloving.  In my spiritual life my connection with God is at a low ebb and beliefs I once held so firmly lack conviction. I barely pray, no longer do personal devotions, and can't remember the last time I truly worshipped. I find myself mouthing the words to songs at church or not singing at all. 

I believe in the importance of compassion, but am wrapped up in myself and acts of kindness go undone. I value integrity, but I am not true to myself and what I once believed.

Do I love others in concrete ways each day? Do I live intentionally and with purpose? Am I a good friend and loving sister and daughter?

I realize a mission statement is something you want to work on and aim for, and may not reflect the realities of your present life, but I can barely articulate let alone live out my vision and values. For someone who used to consider the lilies and once wrote so passionately about my beliefs, it is a wake up call to rediscover my sense of purpose and reignite my passion. For some reason, I can't envision this awakening happening without a renewal in my relationship with God. Life seems utterly meaningless and directionless without him.

Linda and Mike's Wedding

Linda and Mike thanking their guests

The father/daughter dance

The beautiful bride and handsome groom

Christina the bridesmaid and Mom

Me before the reception began

John and lovely Camille

Rachel the bridesmaid and Mom looking gorgeous

Linda and Mike's wedding on January 2nd was a wonderful occasion to celebrate with a special couple. It was a smaller wedding at a beautiful venue in Peterborough. After a brief ceremony, with a small wedding party, which included a young ring bearer and two adorable flower girls, there were appetizers served before the three course dinner at 5:30 pm. The bride's brother was the Master of Ceremonies and he kept the evening moving well with speeches and games and even a poem he had written for the occasion. The bride was absolutely stunning in her lovely gown and shared many kisses with the handsome groom throughout the dinner. Instead of clinking glasses, guests had to perform a specific task. The couple turned a stellar performance at the shoe game, clearly very self-aware. After dinner there was a dance, begun by the bride and groom and continued into the evening by many of the guests. Instead of cake, the bride had chosen to serve gourmet butter tarts which were relished by those guests who weren't already over-stuffed by the rich fare. The wedding favours were small maple-leafed shaped bottles of maple syrup.  It was a lovely way to begin a New Year, surrounded by family and friends and celebrating a beautiful couple and their love.

Christina and George

Julie the veteran flower girl with the two bridesmaids and mother of the bride.

George, Christina, Camille, John and I

Top Ten Blessings of 2015

Although 2015 has been a tough year, I think as the year draws to close, it would be good to focus on the blessings and joys. So here are the top ten highlights of the year.

1. My two jobs as a home care nurse and foot care nurse gave me meaningful work and satisfaction. Although I haven't been working full-time since April and I decided not to continue with the foot care position in November, it was a blessing to have work, and I grew in confidence through these positions. I am hoping to get back in to the swing of things this winter and work my way back up to full-time work.

2. The church I attend has been a source of encouragement and love. The people there have prayed for me and showed caring in countless ways.

3. Immanuel prayer has been a major blessing, especially during these last months of illness and recovery. My pastor met with me many times this spring, summer, and fall and helped me heal and grow. There have been others who have coached and mentored me as well.

4. My family has given me such support and love throughout this time. My parents have prayed for me and been there for me. My siblings have shown caring and shared fun times together.

5. My friends have been so supportive, loving and encouraging. I have enjoyed hanging out with them and they have understood when I haven't been myself. They are truly a blessing in my life.

6. The Bible study I attended starting this past August at People's church has been a source of encouragement, support and edification. The ladies there have been beautiful examples of Christ's love in action and sharing times of worship together has been wonderful. The study on Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World has also challenged me and helped me grow. Winning the door prize the first night was pretty sweet.

7. The clinic I attend has been amazingly supportive and beneficial to my recovery. My doctor is one of the best and my nurse is also very good. The social worker and others at the clinic have also helped me immensely.

8. This summer and fall there were many trips and fun times. Spending time with Aunt Marnie on a road trip, celebrating my brother's birthday with him, enjoying time at a cottage near Peterborough, visiting family in Montreal and Ottawa, and visiting my older sister and her family at Cochrane, Alberta have all been delightful. I also enjoyed volunteering for a few weeks for a local candidate this election.

9. The blessing that my future brother-in-law has been to me, my sister and our whole family is an answer to prayer. He has helped her make tough choices and supported her through them. His love for her is very evident and I look forward to celebrating their wedding with them on January 2nd. It has been wonderful to have the whole family together this Christmas.

10. The faithfulness of God and his unconditional love have been very present in the past year. He has given me hope and strength to face tough stuff. He has protected and guided me, and brought me healing and restoration.

Christmas Joy

"Behold I bring you tidings of great joy, which will be for all the people. For today in the city of David is born to you a Saviour who is Christ the Lord." So the angels spoke to the shepherds at the birth of Jesus. As I celebrate Christmas, with all its trappings of gifts, large quantities of food, and family togetherness, I want to pause and reflect on the birth of my Saviour and Lord, the Word who was made flesh and came to dwell among us. This birth of the Son of God was a humble one, but it brought to our world peace and joy. Jesus was truly was love come down to live among us, wrapped in swaddling clothes and lying in a manger.

That the God of the universe would humble Himself to take human form, that the Christ would become a servant of those who would later reject and scorn him, that He would empty himself so that we might be filled, that he would come to earth with the purpose of offering Himself as our perfect Passover Lamb, that is the wonder of Christmas. Let His love be born in our hearts today and let His peace saturate our spirits.

May we never forget that the babe who was born and announced by the angels to the shepherds is the same King now seated at the right hand of God. He is our Great High Priest, interceding for us. He is the Good Shepherd who lay down his life for the sheep. He is the Firstborn of all Creation and the Bright and Morning Star. He brings us light and life, salvation and deliverance, freedom and the Father's love.

This Christmas may we be filled with inexpressible joy and experience the wonder and amazement that Mary and Joseph and the shepherds felt so many years ago. May we marvel at this extraordinary gift that came in such an ordinary form.

The Ideal Match

I don't know if I believe there is just one soul-mate for every one, but some people just seem ideally suited for each other. I know relationships are a lot of work, but some couples make it look more like a delightful task than an onerous duty.

If I look at my parents, who have been married almost forty years, they just seem right for each other. They complement each other and treat one another with both respect and a deep love. My older sister and her husband, who got married fifteen years ago when they were in their early twenties, are a model of devotion and consideration four kids later. While they have gone through difficult seasons, they have weathered them and emerged stronger and more united. My second youngest sister has been married a year and a half to her husband and their marriage is an equal partnership where each one considers the needs of the other and respects the other's differences.

As for my sister who is getting married this January, I can see signs of mutual respect and love between her and her fiancee. They seem to click and complement each other in a beautiful way. They have built their relationship solidly on a foundation of love for God and caring for each other. 

I guess couples can grow together or grow apart. And when it is about how to serve the other person, rather than how the person can serve you, that's when relationships work.

As a single person, I don't think marriage is the answer to my life's fulfilment, but I aspire to a relationship such as my parents have. I want that partnership where we can work together for a common goal and vision. I desire that closeness and that deep affection. I want to believe that at the right time, it will happen. I have had to learn the hard way that just because you desperately want a relationship to work, doesn't mean it will. In the end, marriage is a gift, but singleness is also a gift and a season of freedom where you are not tied down by the needs of a partner or of children. It is a choice to enjoy the season you are in, and trust that God knows what is best for your life.

My parents at a Blue Jay game this past July 1st.

Devotional Junkie

Somehow things have gotten out of balance with my devotional life. It started with signing up for daily meditations to be emailed each day to my inbox. I now have five to eight each day plus three to five chapters of Bible readings sent to my email. Then I also signed up for a daily Bible reading plan from one of the apps on my phone. I already read Jesus Calling, My Utmost For His Highest every day and sometimes Jesus Lives and Jesus Today. Every week I read from Devotional Classics and another devotional called Ancient Christian Devotional. Depending on the day or week there might be more devotionals I dip into. Basically I am deluged with devotional readings.

With so many readings each day and week, my prayer life is somewhat limited and I can't internalize so many truths at once. I am left feeling spiritually dry and dissatisfied at the end of the day, as I realize despite everything I have read I haven't really connected to God or spent any time thinking about applying the truths I have read about. 

This week I was reading an excerpt from St John of the Cross and realized some of the seven capital sins he discusses may in actuality be part of my life. They are secret pride, spiritual greed, spiritual luxury, spiritual wrath, spiritual gluttony, spiritual envy, and spiritual sloth. It was quite eye-opening to see how things you may view as virtues, like diligence in devotional readings, when out of balance or done for the wrong reasons, can actually become a vice, or that you can actually be too spiritual, prideful in your own pious acts, or overly greedy for spiritual consolation, addicted to the feelings that more and more reading and religious activities give you. Maybe in all this activity, I am actually pleasing my own self and not walking in true obedience to God. Perhaps he wants me to humble myself, exercise simplicity and moderation, be content, at peace with him and where he has placed me, filled with joy instead of envy, strong in the power of his might rather than relying on my own strength.

I know something has to change so that I spend less time reading and more time praying, less time seeking consolation and more time seeking and enjoying God, less energy keeping up with what I think I have to do and more energy seeking God's will for my life. There is something to be said for moderation in all things and although Christ has already spoken to me about this lack of balance, I have not acted on it and decided how to scale back and simplify my routine. I think I seriously need to consider how best to spend time with God in a way that I hear from him, actually apply what I have heard, and simply soak up his love and grace and peace. I need to be devoted to God without being a devotional junkie.

Addicted to the Written Word

One of my favourite movies which I have seen countless times is "Ever After" in which there is a library scene in which Danielle, the Cinderella character, pronounces herself "addicted to the written word." One of the reasons I chose to be an English major is my love for reading and writing, although I have never read dense philosophical works such as "Utopia," which is Danielle's favourite book. There is something about holding a book in your hand or looking with proprietary pride at the collection of books in their own particular order on your shelf. I have loved books from a young age when my Mom would read to us books such as Dr. Seuss or Henry's Awful Mistake. My older sister belonged to a book club that would send her books in the mail. My Mom read us E.B. White and CS Lewis, Madeleine L'Engle, and JRR Tolkien. To this day, I can't read Lord of the Rings without hearing every song in her less than melodious voice.

I don't think I could get used to a world without books. I hoard paper and have almost all my papers from university still and some from college. I even have a couple of projects from high school I have kept all these years. Lately I have more books to read than I have the concentration and focus to delve into.

I am a long time fan of fiction, especially historical fiction or classics both English and translations from world literature. But now I also enjoy non-fiction such as memoirs and inspirational stories, histories, and devotional works. 

I have kept many books I had in university although in the interest of space I have had to let go of some of them. This fall I was able to pass along some of my nursing texts to someone who was taking the same program, freeing up room on my shelf. This summer I got an Ikea shelf at a garage sale which attaches to the wall and holds my journal and cookbook collection as well as reference books and miscellaneous other books I have acquired over the years. As an English major I would spend Christmas break and summer breaks reading my book list. One of my professors counselled us to read every book twice, because there were things that only became clear in the second reading. I admit I never managed to follow this advice.

Saying goodbye to a book, even if I know I will never desire to read it again is a traumatic event. Books are like old friends. I still remember with fondness my maternal grandparents' book collection and how they would take us to the used book store every spring. My grandpa would allow each grandchild to select five books and that's where I got my copy of Gone With the Wind and Little Women. When my grandparents passed away I didn't take as many of their books as I would have liked to have in my possession. My Mom continues the family tradition by getting us discount books each Christmas. 

My favourite book in the world is the Bible which I have loved ever since I excelled at answering questions in the back of our Bible story book at age five. I still remember my kindergarten teacher telling us Bible stories in her own words while we sat together on the carpet. As I child I used to correct Sunday school and Bible teachers when they got a fact slightly wrong.  I have a number of study Bibles and several different versions. I even have a Greek New Testament. I love the stories, tracing the history of redemption, and the cadences of the language particularly in the New International Version. There is something about reading the Psalms, or a chapter from Job or Ecclesiastes, or a particularly beautiful passage in the prophets that is a special experience that you can't find in any other book. The New Testament is full of both stories about Jesus and the early church and the teachings of Jesus and the apostles that contain truths I want to internalise. Also the fact that the Bible is God's word by human authorship adds value beyond good literature. From my years of hearing the Bible read there are quite a few passages I know by heart. It is one thing to know the Scriptures though and quite another to live them. It is sometimes a long distance from the head to the heart, and then there is putting into practice what you have learnt.

I have a dream of writing a book myself some day. I would want it to be a wise book and something that could help other people. I have read and now own a book on the healing power of writing your story which also has writing exercises in it, so maybe I will start to do a little bit at a time. Even if I never got it published I think it would be a worthwhile project that would help me on my healing journey.

Fair Weather Report

I have been enjoying a couple of days with a friend who came to visit from Toronto. While she was here I got the call that I will have three training shifts this week, so I am pretty excited about that and a little nervous as well. Today I will drive my friend to her parent's place in Brantford where she will be visiting for the holidays and then Wednesday it is back to work!

After so many months being off work, it will be a good feeling to be a nurse again and help my clients with their health concerns and daily routines. I hope I will get into a healthy rhythm of work, rest, leisure, study, exercise, and devotional time. I have had the luxury of so much time to myself which I could fill with long walks, Bible studies, times of prayer, and lots of blogging. Now I will have to budget my time a little more and prioritize the things I want to do.

This has been a very strange December weather-wise. Instead of snow we have got rain and fairly unseasonable temperatures. I don't think we will have any snow this Christmas, but I am really looking forward to the whole family being together. Tomorrow we are decorating the tree we cut last week and my sister from Montreal will be here. 

I am feeling very blessed and have a lot to look forward to in the next few weeks. I better get going though as my friend had been napping and now is awake. It doesn't do to ignore your company!

The Winding Road

When this year began, I didn't envision I'd be where I am now. I didn't think I'd have such a struggle to return to a sense of normalcy or that I'd be away from nursing for so long. This month I will be scheduled for some training shifts to ease back into the working world. 

The more distance I have from the events of this spring and summer, the more I realize how very ill I was, and how removed from reality my thoughts really were. Every once in awhile a memory of that time returns for me, and I wince to recall something I said or did or believed. 

It has been a long road back and I am still in recovery even now that my medication fiasco is mostly straightened out. I am feeling like I am back to a Suzanne I recognize, even though these experiences have altered me in so many ways.

Accepting I have lost some things in the process and grieving those losses is important. Knowing that I have a God who heals me and is with me through it all, comforts me and assures me that I am safe in his hands. Such brokenness and pain is something my Saviour understands and he died to heal those wounds.

I am thankful for all those who have lifted me up in prayer, or just been a friend through these months of illness and incremental recovery. I have been blessed with many true friends and mentors. The time my pastor took to counsel me through Immanuel prayer has been instrumental to my emotional and spiritual healing. I have worked through anger, bitterness, and grief and let go of fear, perfectionism, and striving. While sometimes I still ask why or consider what ifs about my future, I have been given a sense of peace and hope and expectancy. I don't know what the future holds for me, but I do know God will work everything for my good, even the hard stuff I never wanted to face.

While I don't understand this winding road I have travelled, I do know I have had a faithful friend who has journeyed with me every step of the way. He is someone I can trust and rely upon.

The Red Letters

Sometimes I want to take offense at Jesus' words when I read them in the gospels. They seem to demand all, and maybe I only want to give some. His words shake me out of spiritual complacency and the comfortable status quo of my life.

"Take up your cross and follow me... Lose your life for my sake, to find life." It is there in Matthew 16 in red letters and the words present a challenge. I shrink back from what it will mean in the practicalities of my day to day life. What will I have to give up; what will I be required to do that will mean denying myself and my own desires?

Jesus doesn't just want a piece of my heart, and the part of my life I am willing to surrender. He doesn't just want a part of my mind, a section of my soul, and a portion of my strength given to his service. He wants all and not just at the times that are convenient for me to offer it. 

In his comprehensive demands, Jesus wants me to count the cost of being his disciple. I sometimes wonder how I would hold up under persecution or whether I would have followed Jesus, if I lived in his day, or would I have taken offense at one or another of his sayings. In this country, I am free to be as devoted to Christ as I want, but so many around the world are persecuted for their faith.

The rewards of discipleship actually far outweigh the cost: salvation, deliverance from past futile patterns of thinking, peace, joy, rest, forgiveness, unconditional love, and eternal life. But making Jesus Lord of your life means yielding to him in your daily decisions and renewing your mind on an ongoing basis. The process can get a little messy and decidedly uncomfortable. 

I want to be the master of my own destiny, the captain of my own soul. Jesus offers an alternative way where I make him the Master and then have him gradually remodel my life to make it according to his design. Since he is an expert craftsman, his work will make something beautiful out of what seemed marred and ugly. I need to trust him with all the broken pieces and believe that he holds the keys to a life that may not be comfortable, but will be rewarding and ultimately life-giving.

Mike and Linda canoeing out on the lake near our rental cottage this summer.

This canoe was barely sea-worthy, but the view out to the lake was lovely. 

I don't recall what was so funny.

The Glad Game

In the past I have claimed to be a realist, but really that was a code name for a deep-seated pessimism. Of late, I have been growing in the area of seeing my circumstances in a positive light. In the hospital this past spring, they taught us mindfulness and that practice of thought focuses on the five senses and involves observing a thought that comes to you, and if it is negative simply letting it go. There are various principles to this meditation practice, but in essence you are paying attention to the simple joys in life and letting go of some of your uglier judgements about yourself and other people. Mindfulness practice is excellent for those struggling with depression or anxiety, and I found in it a way to calm my racing thoughts and focus on the now.

There is a conflict between my desire for a realistic appraisal of my situation and my search for true joy. The kind of joy that is always bubbling under the surface of life and spilling over into words and acts of gratitude. Joy that is not based on circumstances or the prevailing mood of the day or the fickleness of emotions. Joy that runs so deep it is not swayed by hormonal fluctuations or bad news or disappointments and daily struggles.

So many occasions in the Bible we are commanded to rejoice, even in the face of persecutions and suffering. Paul found contentment and true joy, even when in prison or undergoing persecution and hardships. In one of my favourite passages on the vine and the branches in John 15, Jesus says as we remain in his love and keep his commands to love each other, we will experience abiding joy. He states "I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete" (John 15:11, NIV). Peter writes about rejoicing in the believers' "new birth into a living hope" and into the inheritance kept in heaven for us, even in the midst of trials that prove the genuineness of our faith. He speaks of "an inexpressible and glorious joy" in salvation (1 Peter 1:3-9). This joy in being redeemed and delivered is clearly a fulfilment of a prophecy in Isaiah about a time coming when, "With joy you will draw water from the wells of salvation" (Isaiah 12:3, NIV).

One of my mother's favourite movies is Pollyanna, and she often exhibits a similar sunny optimism. At times I find that so aggravating, I retreat to a gloomy Eeyore-like state that is probably of much greater annoyance to everyone around me. I focus on what I cannot do, instead of the world of possibilities of what I could accomplish if I simply tried. Playing "the Glad Game" may not be a such bad idea, when dissatisfaction builds, discouragement sets in, and the violins start playing for my pity party for one.

How do I rejoice in my current situation? One of the keys must be found in love and service for others. The others might be unearthed by abiding in Christ and praising God for who He is and what he has already accomplished in my life, namely salvation, redemption, deep healing, and forgiveness. There have been so many answers to prayer, so many instances of his faithfulness. The thing about his many promises, is that they never fail, and his love doesn't either.

My parents in Montreal this fall.

My parents and myself

Of Magnets and Mysteries

This morning I spent time with a lovely group of ladies from Flamborough Christian Fellowship in a Bible study. We are learning all about ourselves as new creatures in Christ and as people who are called to be saints. I haven't yet returned to work, and the slowness of the process was discouraging and frustrating me. However the email I sent this morning received a reply and there was a request for information on my availability and skill set, so things are finally getting moving!

Yesterday when I was extremely upset with my current situation of still not being back at work, I went for a walk and talked to God about this frustration and my impatience. He reminded me of how long the people of God waited for a Saviour. Advent is a season of waiting. We remember how the people of the old covenant waited for a Messiah for thousands of years, and we ourselves wait for the Lord's second coming.

Our timing is not God's timing. It is said that the Lord is rarely early, but he is always on time! When I think of the gift of a Saviour and the gift of salvation and eternal life that resulted from him becoming flesh and dwelling among us, I am in awe of such grace and favour. As we learnt today from the teachings of Graham Cooke, through Christ we have died to our old natures, and our identities have completely changed. I am now a daughter of God and a joint-heir with Christ. Everything he had and walked in while he was on this earth, is available to me as a gift. He himself lives in me, and I also have the gift of the Holy Spirit whom he sent. I have been given the gift of righteousness and God's commands are an invitation to walk in newness of life, not an avenue of condemnation.

If I allow that truth to really sink in, my thinking, my behaviour, and my motivations will be totally transformed. We are all God's brilliant creations, and we are called to display the goodness of God in our lives. Graham Cooke states all heaven is attracted to Christ's life in us. We are like magnets of his love and grace, drawing others to the Lord to receive what we have received from God. We are called to be givers and in giving we receive. There is so much in this teaching to grow up into!

The way of salvation and redemption is the type of mystery that draws you in deeper and deeper into the mind and ways of God, which are beyond human comprehension. It is amazing how everything fits together and comes together in Christ!

Rachel and Joel checking out the menu at the restaurant they took us to this fall.

If this is my self-indulgent drink, you should have seen my dessert crape!

Biking in Ottawa this fall with John (not in this photo) and Camille.

Rachel and Joel in charming Montreal.

A Faithful Instructor

Today is the day I am officially permitted to return to work, and once again I am in waiting mode. I have to do a skills assessment before I am put back into the rotation and this has yet to be scheduled. It has been so very long since I have worked as a nurse and I definitely miss it.

Having all this open time has been a blessing mainly. I have managed to go for walks almost every day throughout the fall, although not lately since I have some kind of foot injury. It is always good to get out and see the autumn beauties and I often make it a prayer walk. I have also gone to the free of cost gym at the hospital several times for strength training and cardio. As previously mentioned, I have also done a Tuesday morning Bible study and Wednesday evening Bible study. With lots of time for personal prayer and Bible reading, I have been blessed to spend as long as I want with my personal devotional time. I have also attended Wellness Recovery Action Plan group every Wednesday starting this October. We have our last meeting this week.

Once I go back to work I will have to find a new rhythm in life; one that balances work, play, study, exercise, time with friends, and daily devotions. I will have to prioritize and strategize. It will be good to feel productive again and help my clients with their health struggles, rather than being focused on my own. So often what you do is, rightly or wrongly, tied to your identity and self-worth. I have certain status as a nurse that I don't have as a mental health patient. I am not my illness, and I have to remind myself of that truth, but so often I feel defined and constrained by it.

When I first was hospitalized and acutely ill back in April, I expected to be back to work at least by the summer. And now it is nearly December. So much has happened in the interim that I have changed and grown into a different version of myself. I don't handle stress in the same way. I have grown stronger in my faith. I have learnt from a long distance relationship that didn't work out in the way I naively hoped. I am learning to let go of the regrets of the past and move forward one step at a time. Living in the moment, squarely facing difficulties and challenges with God's help, valuing friendships near and far, relying on the Holy Spirit.... these are all lessons I am being taught by a very patient instructor. I have been richly blessed with so many encouragers on the road to wellness and recovery and I often thank God for all the support I have been given by the body of Christ, my pastor, the clinic I attend and my excellent doctor and nurse, and my friends and family. So many do not have the resources I have been blessed with.

On a walk in Cochrane, Alberta this October.

My younger sister and I during my birthday celebration this year.

The Amazing Exchange

• "Nondiscipleship costs abiding peace, a life penetrated throughout by love, faith that sees everything in the light of God's overriding governance for good, hopefulness that stands firm in the most discouraging of circumstances, power to do what is right and withstand the forces of evil. In short, it costs exactly the abundance of life Jesus said he came to bring (John 10:10). The cross-shaped yoke of Christ is after all an instrument of liberation and power to those who live in it with him and learn the meekness and lowliness of heart that brings rest to to the soul.... The correct perspective is to see following Christ not only as the necessity it is, but as the fulfillment of the highest human possibilities and as life on the highest plane." Dallas Willard

Dallas Willard's words set down very clearly the cost of nondiscipleship. As believers in Christ our highest goal should be to become like Christ. Considering that he is the most remarkable person to have ever walked this earth, that is a formidable challenge. His teachings, as recorded by the gospel writers, contain some of the most challenging precepts ever to be written down. His parables still tantalise with hidden meaning and significance today. The Sermon on the Mount lays down a way of living that is completely contrary to human instinct and even common sense. To turn the other cheek, to go the extra mile, to not resist an evil person... that's challenging enough. But how about not even saying "You fool!" when you are exasperated by someone's utter stupidity? How about avoiding all thoughts of lust?

The promises of blessing in the Beatitudes for attitudes that are completely unnatural to the average human life in this fallen world, show the way to an ethic of love we will never quite master. But Jesus' perfect life, sacrificial death, and resurrection open the way for us to have peace with God, salvation, and make possible an ongoing process of sanctification by the working of the Holy Spirit who Jesus sent to comfort and direct us. By this remarkable process, this becoming disciples of the Master and Lord, we gradually learn to put into practice this ethic of love. We are filled with the Father's love and we are blessed with abundant life. We become a channel of this life, peace, love, and joy to others. It is a mystery how this exchange of Jesus' righteousness for our own sin, his healing for our brokenness, and his peace for our chaotic emotions takes place, but this mystery of redemption is made possible through his blood shed for us.

We are made into completely new creatures. Our desires change and our motivations change, and we scarcely know how. We still mess up on a regular basis, but we are moving in a new direction on a journey to a destination that is clearly spelled out on the pages of Scripture: a new heaven and a new earth where we will finally look on the face of our Saviour and we will finally have a complete likeness to him in every respect. In losing our life, we truly find it! The cost of nondiscipleship is to miss out on this amazing exchange and forfeit our place in God's kingdom. However, Jesus did not come to condemn the world, but to save it, and it is for each person to decide whether to accept his offer of life. In the choice of life or death, blessings or curses, I choose life!

Gift-wrapped

There is beauty in a surrendered heart. There is peace when you lay down your burdens and Jesus gives you his yoke. There is joy to be found in letting go of your own agenda and taking up your cross. And there is incredible love waiting for you.

Once you are filled to overflowing with this love, it naturally spills out and multiplies its effects in your life. People who once annoyed you, might still irritate you a little, but you will feel an unnatural tenderness towards them.

In reading about the vine and the branches, I am reminded that "apart from (Jesus) you can do nothing." In remaining in him, and his words remaining in us, we can bear much fruit. In another passage of Scripture, Jesus states "by your fruits you will know them." I want to be like a fresh water spring, like a vine loaded down with luscious fruit.

Too often the fruit in my life does not reflect the fruits of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness and self control. I end up with the rotten fruit of malice, envy, strife, anger, and words that wound rather than heal.

How can we remain in Christ? He gives us such a simple command to love another and he promises he will give us whatever he asks in his name. Why do we turn from love? I think part of the reason for myself is that at a times I don't feel loved or accepted. Jesus does love me and accept me, but instead of accepting his love, I turn to other things to validate me or I convince myself I must earn his love and favour. Then I run out of love and patience for other people.

The good news of the gospel is that everything we need is already paid for. It is a finished transaction! We have eternal life, we have everything we need for life and godliness, we have the ability to abide in Christ's love. We even have the desire to change gift wrapped for us and the strength to do so just waiting for us to open. I think I need to take these presents out of their pretty wrappings and put them to use!

A Family of Fourteen... and counting!

The excitement is building for my sister's January wedding. Today both my Mom and myself went dress shopping and she found a dress she loves, as did I. Christina accompanied us on our shopping trip and we really appreciated her fashion take and help. When I went to pay for my dress I found out the discount went even deeper, and then on top of that I got another 15% off, when my Mom decided to sign up for the Bay credit card. I ended up being seven minutes late for my appointment, but it was definitely worth it. The dress is very unique, so I won't have to worry about any one else wearing the same dress, as happened at my high school prom to three of us.

We will be going to Peterborough a day early, and I am trying to learn to style my own hair nicely before the wedding so I can do it myself. I just got it cut in a more manageable style. Apparently any Shopper's Drug Mart will do your makeup for free, and you can make a donation. I was going to figure out how to properly apply full makeup and buy everything I needed, but you can't really beat free, especially when you consider how infrequently I wear makeup.

Last night I had a wonderful Immanuel session, and I went on a longish walk which was invigorating. This morning we had our last regular Bible study for the season. Next week is our Christmas potluck dinner and celebration service. I have been attending since August, which has been a wonderful upbuilding experience. I think my Wednesday night Bible study has three more meetings and it also has been a real blessing.

Today my clinic sent my back to work letter in to my employer, so I really am going to be able to return to work next week. I am feeling pretty positive about finally returning to work and I should be back to full-time after Christmas sometime.

Christmas with the entire family is coming closer and I am really looking forward to it as well. We haven't had the entire family together in so long, since at Rachel's wedding the two youngest of my oldest sister's children weren't there. It will be a full house. We are going to our relatives to spend Boxing Day with them and then celebrating our family's Christmas the following day. It is already November 24th so that really is just over a month away. Excited to have my brother's lovely girlfriend Camille join us for our Christmas and the wedding. So much to look forward to!

Four of the five sisters over two years ago. Three of my sisters get enviable tans.

My beautiful youngest sister at Dundas Peak.

My sister who is getting married and I two summers ago.