I actually wrote this post quite some time ago, before I started my current healthy eating plan. Since I lost too much weight I am now trying to regain muscle mass.

*Not so* recently after gazing upon my reflection in the mirror, I realized my less than toned physique, which could be compared unfavourably with that of a five month pregnant woman, was the result of three of the seven deadly sins gluttony, greed, and sloth. While I may be able to show some restraint at the dinner table by taking smaller portions, my gluttony reveals itself when it comes to sweets, especially chocolate which I will devour in copious amounts. My greedy side comes to light when I am in the store and have to buy a large bar or box of chocolate simply because it is on sale. Without a regular exercise regime and a Zumba drop-out, I display sloth when I turn back from a walk because it is simply too windy. My own mother puts me to shame with her Jillian Michaels routine several times a week while I average one or two walks a week. I contemplate taking up running, but never do so.

Turning my gaze inward, I saw that the other four deadly sins were also present. Pride, envy, lust, and anger were in evidence in my daily life. Pride caused me to consider myself better than some others, while envy made me desire what others had. Anger made me impatient with those who got in my way, and lust caused me to view others as objects. Of the seven, envy has the biggest foothold in my life and causes the most damage. It makes me ungrateful for the blessings in my life, and jealous of others and their lives with their beautiful little families and their successes.

Now I wonder how I can change my inward attitudes and outward habits to transform not only my outward appearance, but also my heart.

Distorted Perceptions

This has been a season in my life of constant distortions. It is rather like I stepped inside of a fun house with all the crazy mirrors. You just can't get a clear view of yourself or others, and it is not fun!


Sometimes you trust people who you shouldn't. At other times you get angry at people for a small thing that shouldn't even be an issue. You allow yourself to be guided by people who take advantage of your vulnerability, which they can sense like blood in the water for a shark.


People who love you get very hurt by all the extremes in your spiraling emotions and you struggle to contain yourself, but don't always even manage to do that.


For some people it may be an amusing spectacle. My life as a reality show would be entertaining, if rather sad and disquieting.


Since April I have been in recovery. I never dreamed it could take this long or cause this much pain and anguish. The good news is that I am, in fact, recovering. I am taking all the steps I know how to do and will continue to work hard this fall at the process.


I now make plans tentatively, as I never know the day to day variables. Emotional rollercoasters are not really fun, but feeling things deeply does make you more compassionate and responsive to others. In the end, you need to discover where the illness ends and where you actually begin. I have a feeling I will never ever be the same; I do not desire to be.


They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I have been forced to strengthen myself spiritually, physically, and psychologically. I am in the process of healing, and the walls are coming down. For this I am grateful to Christ, my family, church families, Christians I have met in the journey, kind strangers, angels, and my dear friends. Life is too rich to give up the battle, and the war is already won!

Sadness, Anger, and Self-Control: After My Jonah Day

Yesterday may have ended well, but I think it was my saddest, most gut-wrenching birthday ever. Life gets messy sometimes and the fall out from extreme emotions is huge.

Right now it is a lot of extreme emotions and only sometimes logic, coherence, order, decorum and self control. The big emotions are anger and sadness.

Forgiveness is a journey. Love is a destination that welcomes you in. Peace and joy are God’s forever promises. In the midst of trials, the sky may darken, but joy comes in the morning!

Jesus carried me last night, close to his chest, all the way up to the summit. Later we will return to the Valley,  but for now I am going to enjoy the breathtaking view!

Despite all my anger, I do have hope in Christ. I have the seal of the Holy Spirit, guaranteeing my inheritance. When this journey is over, I know my final destination. The new heavens and earth will be beyond anything I can ever imagine!

Thanks be to God who gives us the victory through our LORD Jesus Christ!

The 23rd Psalm for Busy People translated from a Japanese version by Koki Mayashina

The Lord is my pacesetter
I shall not rush
He makes me to stop and rest
For quiet intervals;
He provides me with images of stillness
Which restore my serenity;
He leads me in the ways of efficiency
Through calmness of mind
And his guidance is Peace.
Even though I have a great many things
To accomplish each day,
I will not fret
For His presence is here:
His timelessness
His all importance
Keeps me in balance;
He prepares refreshment and renewal
In the midst of my activities,
By anointing my mind
With His oils of tranquility
My cup of joyous energy overflows;
Surely harmony and effectiveness
Shall be the fruit of my hours
And I shall walk in the pace of my Lord
And dwell in His house forever.

Friendship When Worlds Collide: A Poem

At the intersection of two points
When worlds collide
When you find a friend
Who sticks closer than a brother
You will find your way home
Even if your GPS is confused


Wrote this poem during a time of utter chaos in my life. Thankfully I have many friends and family members to light my way. My best friends know who they are: Thanks!

today

Today I choose to follow you,
Today I choose to give my yes
 to you.
Today I choose to hear your voice and live!
Today l choose to follow you.

As for me and my house, we will serve you. As for me and my house, we will spend our lives on you!

Wonderful Counsellor, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace, LORD of all. Willingly we follow.



Brian Doerkson's Lyrics and my prayer.

Slam Dunk

If there was one thing in the world that Joseph loved, it was basketball. If there was one thing he loved more, it was a girl named Rachael. Jospeh promised Rachael the moon and he believed he loved her enough to get it for her. Joseph always practiced basketball on his court out in the country. Surrounded by farm fields Joseph would practice as the sun would set and the moon was rising. He would often reach for the moon and pretend to slam dunk it. Rachael was always on his mind.

In the years that Joseph pursued Rachael, he had a part time job at Wendy's. He worked hard at his job, and on the court but he always worked overtime when it came to his promise to Rachael. Joseph's promises to Rachael included.

1. He promised to one day build her a house on her Grandmother's property
2. He promised to build her an ice castle every winter once they married
3. He promised her the honeymoon of her dreams
4. He promised to buy her a jet plane so they could travel the world
5. He promised he would build their children a huge playground with underground tunnels and waterslides
6. Of course he always promised her the moon

Rachael always turned Joseph away, telling him to be more realistic. She would get annoyed every time he offered her the moon. She called him a dreamer and told him he was trying to achieve the impossible. When it came to basketball she told him he wasn't even any good. Joseph was devastated!

Time passed and Joseph and Rachael parted ways. Joseph moved to Louisville where he got a scholarship playing basketball and eventually the made the Toronto Raptors. Rachael stayed home and started dating Joseph's arch rival, Calvin.

A year had passed and Calvin had secured a decent job. For their anniversary, he decided to take Rachael on a surprise date. There was a limo, roses, champagne, and of course game 7 tickets to the NBA finals in Toronto. Joseph did not see them during the game, but he ended up posting a 33 point night along with a 3 point buzzer beater that won them the NBA championship. For the first time, Rachael found Joseph attractive and appealing. She waved and tried to get his attention as he held the prize trophy over his head. Rachael hoped that maybe he still loved her.

After flexing for the cameras, Joseph did notice Rachael in the crowd, screaming his name. Joseph crossed the rose-petaled, Gatorade drenched floor, and said hello. With a big smile on his face he brought Rachael over and introduced her to his fiancee.... Jennifer Lopez :)


Of course in my version of this tale, Rachael and Joseph would end up together and J-Lo would not even feature, but compromises must be made in artistic collaberations.

Kahil Gibran on Love

Kahlil Gibran on Love 

When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams
as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.

When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, "I am in the heart of God."
And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

This has to be my favourite poem right now. I don't know much about the poet, but I will be reading more of his work, you can be sure.

Mother Goose

Mother GOOSE

My Mom

thinks me perfection

only slightly marred

by my depression

She wants me to mind

My "P's and Q's"

but I can't give her

Any clues!

She has no guile

Only a smile,

I only wish

She would kiss

Away my hurt

And make me some dessert

Lemon meriangue

or Chocolate mousse

If only...

she wasn't

Such a goose!

I wrote this poem after being angry with my mother for most of one night. I think I forgave her?

Teddy and the Moon Walka Walka's

Ok. I definitely contributed to this story. Co creators Frank (N Stein) and Jesse. A volunteer drafted it and I made one last edit. More stories to come involving time travel, super heroes, and cheaters.... stay tuned.



Deep in the wilderness of Croatia there lived a bear named Teddy and his friend Beyonce. From a young age all Teddy wanted to do was dance. Beyonce used to sit for hours and watch him practice. Beyonce taught him a few simple moves. She always believed in him. She gave confidence and inspired him very much.

Teddy was known as a prankster. He would often sneak up on unsuspecting campers and scare them, then quickly bust into a dance, leaving some campers feeling better and laughing, and some just getting more scared. He would then disappear into the woods.

One day some people from Barnum and Bailey's circus captured Teddy and forced him to wear disco clothes and dance in their circus. Teddy went from an exuberant prankster, who was always happy, to feeling depressed, and wishing he could once again hang out at the many dumps and garbage bins of his youth, where the food was, to be frank, much better. He was so mortified that he no longer wanted to dance. After a few months in captivity Teddy seized an opportunity to escape. With his huge paws he managed to break free from his cage. On his way to freedom, he grabbed the cash box and headed home.

As soon as Teddy reached home he jumped into the lake and took a bath. Feeling refreshed, and dripping wet, he danced on the beach. Performing each move to perfection, Teddy danced every one of Michael Jackson's famous moves, but without the white glove. He thrust his hips, threw his arms upwards, and moon walked the beach. The Jackson five and disco music filled the air.

Pretty soon wild animals appeared from everywhere to watch Teddy dance. First some coyotes, then a few deer, next some robins. Finally some escaped lions, tigers and zebras appeared. Last of all potato bugs and cockroaches watched the famous moves of the skilled dancer with something approaching awe.

And, yes, Beyonce, was also there. The hit song Single Ladies found Beyonce and Teddy dancing together, as Sleazy Bear watched from the sidelines. Sleazy was a slightly forward bear, and endlessly whipped her hair in an attempt to draw Teddy's attention. This hair whipping was slightly tempting to a bear of Teddy's sensibilities; however Beyonce had him in raptures, unknown to him until this point.

In the years that followed Teddy and Beyonce taught the other bears how to dance. They formed a group called "Teddy and the Moon Walka Walkas" and hit the bigtime. They held a show in Maple Leaf Gardens that sold out in one day. With their progeny, they relaxed together in Florida, Bora Bora, and Hawaii, with resplendent homes at each extensive property. Teddy still visited the dumps too, but they happily lived in the beauty of their world, dancing for the rest of their days.

May 5, 1945 and May 5, 2015: A Story Seventy Years in the Making

Well, the story I intended to post here, has yet to be found. There are at least three stories I have never found back, one about cheating and laundry, written up by the recreation therapist with content mainly from Frank and myself, and one about a time-travelling GI that was written on May 5, 2015 in honour of V-day. It was inspired by Frank, who was from Croatia (before it was called Croatia), and had been in the military; the Recreation therapist wrote it up so splendidly I can never hope to duplicate it, and actually would not want to. Also I am not allowed to return to that particular ward, ever. The head nurse was very explicit that she only wants to see me again in the grocery store.

However May 5th, 1945 was a momentous day in the history of the world. It is the date for the liberation of the Netherlands, known as V day, in these parts. There are so many different V days though. On May 5th, the Germans surrendered and the Dutch people welcomed the Canadian soldiers with great joy and celebration.

Around this time, my Opa and Oma den Boer met, while on parade, and of course Grandpa and Grandma Beekman, having met and corresponded in the war, were now free to make wedding plans and soon immigrated to Canada. Opa and Oma den Boer ended up in France for a number of years, before making their way to Canada, having four of their five children on a primitive farm, somewhere close enough to Paris that my father was eventually born there, a number of weeks premature. As I have written before, he was fed sea water by the nurses, and did not see his mother very often. My Opa pretended to be a doctor just to see him, and was rather disappointed in his tiny size. None of the nurses were fooled, however, by his supposed lab coat.

Grandpa and Grandma Beekman began life in Canada on a farm somewhere in the heartland of Ontario, where, as Grandma related later, she was required to live in a shack, and also bring the blankets for the night, back to the main house every morning. They were called Displaced Persons or D.P. 's and would move around quite a bit as their young family grew to five. My mother was the only girl and second in line. Her older brother was a good sort of boy, but at first had difficulty with English. My grandma was to learn English so well, in her later years she was a champion Scrabble player. Around the time I was born, Grandpa and Grandma were living in Florida, where Grandpa worked for one of his bosses, building a golf course and maintaining it. So I did go to Florida, but have very little recollection of it. My earliest memory is of my baby brother in the air plane. I demanded that my father open the window of the air plane for me, as I must have felt somewhat confined. John had a bassinet where he actually got to sleep.... Not sure if I did or not.

Anyways, I digress. On May 5, 2015 I walked around the Labyrinth at Saint Joseph's hospital and top of my mind was V-day. It had just been painted, and I probably was one of the first to make that trek. It was dedicated recently on the September 22nd, I believe. I had done the Labyrinth before, when it used to be hedges, a couple of times, before the new hospital was built, when I was a patient in 2005 and afterwards with a good friend.

The story we wrote that day, involving time travel, and rescuing of people in a factory in the Netherlands, and an epic celebration complete with chocolate, dancing, and jazz hands following the War, and after the rebuilding of the decimated country, was very inspirational. Frank was quite an amazing guy, and could be depended upon for good advice. He was pretending he was in a first class hotel, so naturally I pretended I was in a spa, in between feeling like I was in a monastery or prison. He had his own issues, but I never for a minute doubted his story or his integrity. I met a number of fabulous people at the hospital, and Frank was one about half a dozen patients I will never forget!

Jericho

Joshua Blowing His Trumpet....





And the walls falling down!







As Rahab hangs her Scarlett Thread......

Joshua Blowing His Horn

SAdB

I Will Change Your Name

By D.J. Butler

I will change your name

You shall no longer by called

Wounded, out cast Lonely or afraid

I will change your name

Your new name shall be

Confidence, joyfulness

Overcoming One

Faithfulness, friend of God

One who seeks My Face

Change is... important in life because without it you

          can't grow

... without it there would be no seaside castles

     nestled in the midst of gardens

... no secret hideaways bursting with life

... no glorious resurrections, no brightly coloured

     eggs hidden in secret

           dark corners

               beneath a sea shell...

            in some seaside resort

          as the sun rises

              on a beautiful new day....

All things bright and beautiful

All creatures great & small

All things wise & wonderful

The LORD God Made Them All!

After a long barren winter I am a garden bursting

in bloom .... a lily of the Valley

     Suzanne Allison

           I will become myself

              As I really Am!

Some Ponderings

100 More Aprons?

Awhile ago I ran out of disposable one time use aprons for my foot care job I have been doing for over a year, extremely part-time. I wondered if I should order any more. Proper nursing standards would indicate you should have a fresh one for each client. I had ordered them more than a year ago online from a place that sold them for food industry purposes and they weren't individually packed like the ones I had split with the two other nurses who were doing the course of studies with me back in the summer of 2013. I think there were probably a hundred of them, but I couldn't be sure, as I had never counted them. So when they were all gone I wondered if that meant I had done over one hundred visits.

I really didn't want to order any more somehow. Maybe it was realizing how little I had made there in black and white on my T4 and how much energy I had poured into the job. It could have been the fact I was paying half what I made on gas and other car expenses, and spending twice what I made in tools and supplies, or so it seemed. There was so much prep time preparing documents and tools, phoning clients, rescheduling appointments, and then there was the half hour or more it took to clean your tools at the end of the day, all that travel time, the extra documentation you did at home for no pay, the insurance you had to fork out due to the high risk of something going terribly wrong. The inconvenient truth was I could make twice as much with my other home care job for six hour shift that involved far less driving and ended when the visit was over and you signed off on your phone, instead of so much later in the day. One day seeing three clients in one day as well as attending a CPR class kept me busy until 11 pm before all the work was done.  Far more than I would like I have had to decline last minute shift opportunities for my other job in order to keep my foot care appointments I was committed to completing.

 Foot care in the home is not a very profitable business, for any one, and you have to be willing to take a loss in order to build up any kind of business. Unfortunately it felt like I was taking the brunt of the losses while my company struggled to collect the bills and clients came and went. Sometimes I have had to wrestle for over an hour to get a client's neglected feet into some semblance of proper order. At times I haven't known if my clients even have a firm grasp on their personal history, let alone their health conditions. Sometimes as I am wearing my mask, knowing they probably can't hear a word I am saying, struggling to give them some advice about caring for their feet they can't even manage to rub cream on by themselves any more, I wonder if I am really helping them as much as I would like to. Somehow the sensation test seems a little pointless when you are not sure they even understand your instructions.  And there are the feet that haunt you a little, because you know something is a little off, but you can't diagnose what exactly is wrong... As a nurse it is not really your job to diagnose, but when should you tell them to see a doctor?

 So I had kind of decided to quit. I could get into something like palliative care or some other area. Some other nurse could take over my clients. Then a nagging thought came to me that there were very few nurses who were sticking with this rather demanding, financially unrewarding work. Sure I did joke with one client I should be paying him as he patiently showed me some helpful tips for dealing with his chronic ingrown toenail. But I felt a little taken advantage of, a lowly foot care nurse, making a different rate than the other nurses, and seeing my bank account slowly descend rather than grow.

But a couple of days I ago I had a realization. I actually would do this job without any remuneration. Please don't tell my company. I love it! I love the clients I have gradually gotten to know, being a visitor in their homes whether in a cluttered dingy place smelling of cigarette smoke or a beautiful well appointed apartment.  I even love the satisfaction of cutting really really long toenails and realizing you have just made a difference to your client's mobility and health. Some of my clients have been palliative; I get to care for their feet and maybe help a little by my kindness as they are facing death. I have grown so much in my confidence that I no longer even dread the first visit, the unknowns of what I will face. One client in Oakville I often complained lived too far away for me to be earning anything at all with the one hour visit, I miss the most, and wonder whether she is okay after her fall. I know many of my clients have few other options when they are housebound, rejected by other companies due to liability issues since they are diabetic or on blood thinners, and completely unable to care for their own feet any longer, ashamed at how long their toe nails have grown.

Yesterday, I came to a definite decision and emailed the person who had hired me that I had decided to stay. That I would make a complete reversal within the same day and today be ready to write my resignation letter is another story. Thankfully a very capable administrator talked me down and made a couple of important phone calls to clarify some issues that had made continuing seem an utter impossibility. In this season of my life, it may be time to order another hundred aprons.

Trust

This Good Friday, I attended a beautiful, meaningful service at the church where I grew up, professed my faith, and spent part of my young adulthood. I sat with my friend from childhood, her husband, and her parents who have always been a special part of our lives. It was good to be given some time, however brief, to reflect on just how much Christ suffered out of a love that is unfathomable, in order to pay for my redemption, healing, and wholeness. He has opened a way so I can become like him, the most amazing person who has ever walked on this planet. And now he is there right beside me, walking me through the valleys and to the fearsome heights. And today I realised that being here with him is really the safest place I can be, whatever may come.

When I am afraid, he says "fear not" and "I am with you." When I say "I cannot do it" he tells me "try, I will help you." Many times he reminds of the beauty he created, both inner and outer, when I was woven together in my mother's womb. He tells me that he has good plans for my life, though he does not promise a pain-free life without suffering or loss. He does promise that one day he will wipe every tear from my eyes, and he demonstrates that he values my tears so much that he stores them in a bottle. Especially in my childhood and youth, tears were frequent, even for small things, so I figure that bottle is probably holding quite a large volume by now.

Thinking of Christ as the Good Shepherd has always been a way to find a sense of peace for me. I picture myself in his arms, being carried, or I relax beside the peaceful stream, knowing I am cared for and watched over. My professor in university made a good point that sometimes we think of all the things we should or must do for the kingdom of God, but sometimes we just have to "be." To be God's child, to be his beloved, to be the lamb of the Good Shepherd who was willing to lay down his life for the sheep. On a day like today, when we remember the high cost of our redemption, the stripes which bring our healing, and the love that kept Jesus on the cross through the agony of being separated from his Father and the excruciating  physical pain as he struggled for each breath, we should realise that we can trust him in this time and moment as well whatever we may face. On the cross, Christ was not a victim, but a victor who has bought us back from the kingdom of darkness, and proclaimed our release and freedom from bondage. When he rose again on the third day, he gave those from whom he died a new resurrected life, and his victory over death and hell became gloriously real and tangible. On Good Friday, we remember that Easter is coming!

Springtime

I know it is not officially here for a couple of days, but it is springtime! It was a little chilly today, but the sun is shining and the snow has almost disappeared completely.

[in Just-]

BY E. E. CUMMINGS

in Just-

spring          when the world is mud-

luscious the little

lame balloonman

whistles          far          and wee

and eddieandbill come

running from marbles and

piracies and it's

spring

when the world is puddle-wonderful

the queer

old balloonman whistles

far          and             wee

and bettyandisbel come dancing

from hop-scotch and jump-rope and

it's

spring

and

         the

                  goat-footed

balloonMan          whistles

far

and

wee

Recalling the joys of analyzing poems like this. And thinking happy, springtime thoughts. "Lo the winter is over and past, the rain is over and gone. The flowers appear on the earth; the time of singing has come..." That quote from Song of Songs just came back to my memory, although I had to look it up to get the complete text. 

This spring I am hoping to begin to get fit, take some courses for my nursing career, and find that elusive full-time hours job or jobs. Also I want to figure how I should make use of what is in my hand. Moses had his staff and God used it for miraculous things. What is in my hand is a pen, I mean symbolically not literally, as of course at this moment I am typing. 

This spring will bring new things with work, friendships, and relationships. Things are in flux, but they are also blossoming, blooming, and full of life!

Plenty of Fish

The moment I decided to attend the Christian singles mixer party my friend was hosting, I hadn't pictured myself as the only female attendee for the first part of the evening. But there I was, the wall flower, sitting encircled by a half-dozen eligible men in a dimly lit bar inspired by Edgar Allan Poe's the Raven, awkwardly making conversation with help from an icebreaker game. Scarlett O'Hara surrounded by adoring beaus I was most definitely not. When the other two women showed up, they sat together at the bar and put their icebreaker games in their purses, meaning I won the door-prize for the women by default.

I tried not to think about how disappointing this event might turn out for every one, and focused on small talk and polite conversation about work, hobbies and interests. One man turned out to be not only a winter camping enthusiast but also a registered nurse who was an expert in foot care nursing, having run his own business for over ten years. I was able to glean some valuable information from him as I am also a foot care nurse.  Another man was a recent immigrant from Lebanon who was a scientist who worked in the food industry. Yet another was an outdoorsman who was a machinist. They all seemed like decent people. A couple men offered to buy me a drink, but I declined as I rarely have alcohol.

Gradually the small crowd dwindled to four people, counting the hostess of the event. We sat at the bar and discussed our work and cultural and family backgrounds. Since I had won a gift certificate for the bar, I attempted to buy a drink, but it is hard to order something that has no alcohol or sugar at a bar, and bars apparently don't charge for water garnished with a lemon. When I realised that this elementary fact should have been obvious to me, I was rather embarrassed to have offered payment. My next thought was to order a drink for some one else, as I didn't think it likely I would be returning to this venue, but the two people I asked had already imbibed their personal limit of one drink for the evening.

At ten the music was cranked up, but no one was dancing. Conversation became more difficult due to the noise level. My friend and I made plans to go back some time to use the gift certificate, and we exited the bar together along with the last man to leave the singles mixer party, who happened to be the registered nurse. He offered me contact information so I could ask him for professional advice regarding foot care. It wasn't the evening I had expected, especially since the last event my friend planned had had ten times as many people show up and more of a gender balance. Still it certainly was a stretching experience, and more of an adventurous Saturday night than I am used to having.

Perspective

There are two totally different ways to look at life. One is of a history of failures, setbacks, disappointments, and missed opportunities. The other is a story of lessons learned, challenges faced, holy encounters, and blessings in disguise.

 In the last little while I have had two disappointments. The one today I didn't handle very well, and in a moment I seemed to have lost all the progress I thought I had made. Negative things came from my mouth and they seemed very true and realistic, but in fact, they had the truth all twisted and distorted. 

This may be a challenge I have to overcome, but it is not the end of my journey. God does have a good plan for my life, but my life at times includes learning from failures, struggling through setbacks, dealing with disappointments of things I have wanted but are not God's will, and sometimes missing the mark. Through it all, God is working all things for my good and he is drawing me closer to himself. 

God knows the desires of my heart, and he created my heart. He is good, faithful, and true and as I delight myself in who he is and what he has done, he will fulfill the desires of my heart and also recreate my heart to be more in tune with him. Some of my desires may change in the process and as my life unfolds, I may understand better why God has said "no" or "not yet" or "wait" for petitions I have made to him. God wants me succeed at the things he has designed and purposed for me to do and he knows the end from the beginning. If I ask for his guidance, direction and wisdom, I can trust him to answer my prayer. He is able to do so much more than I would ever ask or imagine.

How to Find One's Life By First Losing It

Being self-absorbed comes naturally. If there is a mirror in the room, chances are I am checking out my reflection, even as I am conversing with other people. When I get a hair-cut, I want people to notice and compliment me. Since I lost some weight, I weigh myself with even more frequency. Often in conversations, I catch myself bringing the discussion back to myself, which is my favourite topic though maybe not as fascinating as I think. Though I receive many spontaneous compliments, sometimes I am guilty of fishing for one. At times, I spend so much time looking inward, I fail to notice people with needs all around me.

Self-denial on the other hand, goes against my natural tendencies. How I can give of myself sacrificially to others is not immediately obvious to me in any given situation; More on my mind is how will this affect me and my plans or how does this person feel about me.

Selfishness is my default setting. If I don't try to put myself in another person's shoes or attempt to think of others, I won't consider their needs above mine.

It is all too often all about me. That's why I find Jesus' words so challenging as paraphrased by Eugene Peterson: "Any one who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You're not in the driver's seat; I  am. Don't run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I'll show you how. Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to finding yourself, your true self. What kind of deal is it to get everything you want but lose yourself? What could you ever trade your soul for?"

I guess if I am truly following Jesus, instead of just talking about following Jesus, he will lead me in this way of self-sacrifice and show me how it is done. He has already demonstrated a love that was willing to suffer, to empty himself, to give his life as a sacrifice. In his life, he was a servant, obedient to the Father. Even though he was God, he made himself nothing. My life has to become about him and about the people he has placed in my life. I need to radically change my focus and only then will I find my life as it was meant to be lived.

Of Darkness and Dawn

When the thought crossed my mind again, I realised it had been awhile, really quite some time, since it had transversed the well-worn path etched into my brain. I did not welcome its return. It was a thing of winter, of gloom, of dark, bare, empty places and of despair. It stank of hopelessness, fear, and death.

Four simple words: I want to die. This recurring thought most often emerged when I faced something difficult, when I was stressed, or when I contemplated the future, not in a dreamy, optimistic light but in a nihilistic, nightmarish view. I want to die. Sometimes I dwelt on the thought, other times I pushed it aside. Most of the time, it had no semblance of truth, nothing more than a shadowy presence. It dissolved into nothing when forced into the light. But always it came back.

I want to die. If it had ever been true, it wasn't now. I want to live. I want to grow, to stretch, to burst into glorious bloom. I want to develop in many directions, to be a channel of vitality, to foster life.

I want to live. I want to experience delight and joy, beauty and passion. I want to be grateful for each breath, to breathe in goodness and exhale grace. I want to live... truly. I want my path forward to be "like the light of the dawn, which shines brighter and brighter until full day" as the ancient writer described the way of the righteous. This proverb was given to me as a word of promise last year. Though darkness is real, by God's grace I will see that dawning brightness.

I want to live. I want to born anew as Jesus once told Nicodemus. It is a thing of spring, new beginnings, of light, and hope. It is truer than the darkness ever could be.

Top Ten Blessings of 2014

It is time to reflect on the blessings of the past year. I am feeling a little blue as family Christmas time draws to a close and I heard some sad news today. Also I know 2015 will begin with me facing up to some challenges that I postponed dealing with. I think making this list will help me focus on the positive side. This idea was inspired by my sister who wrote her own top ten list on her Christmas card.

1. Working with a client who was a joy in a kindergarten of all places the first half of 2014

2. Spending time with treasured friends whether while attempting to master Zumba or playing a friendly game of Euchre or Scrabble

3. Getting my feet wet with a part-time foot care nursing job and meeting some wonderful clients

4. Drawing closer to God through Immanuel sessions and Sarah Young's devotional writings

5. Visiting Karen, Clint and their wonderful family this past summer in Saskatchewan

6. Gaining health and losing weight and inches since starting Trim Healthy Mama in July (twenty-five pounds lost and now at my goal weight)

7. My wardrobe makeover courtesy of my stylish sister and her friend 

8. Receiving more compliments than I can realistically keep track of

9. Rachel and Joel's beautiful summer wedding and happiness in marriage

10. God giving me the gift of hope