Fasting From Facebook

I have left Facebook for an extended period before and I have also blogged about it previously here. Essentially I am addicted to Facebook. Some people might be able to use it casually as a useful social networking tool, using it to schedule face time with friends, or to connect with long lost pals, or to answer the burning question whatever happened to Mary-Lou. But that's not how I have been using Facebook, and some days I was logging in more than 30 times. I had to read all my news feed and some of my Facebook friends who I barely knew when they were my university classmate I now "knew" from their frequent status updates and photos. It wasn't that I was an obsessive lurker of profiles, but if it was in my feed chances are I had read it or seen it. I didn't comment a lot on threads, and I usually only posted a status update once a week and liked several posts or pictures daily. At least that's how it's been lately. There was a time when I posted and commented and liked much more frequently.

It wasn't merely the frequency of my logging into Facebook or the time wasted that is problematic, it is the envious feelings that Facebook helps to provoke. Seeing so many of my peers settled into a life, mother to two or three or four children, happily married for three to ten years, made me dissastified with my single, childless life. Seeing one former classmate land position after position, juggling multiple nursing jobs and advancing in her career, made me feel sadly inferior. Why couldn't I simply be happy for these friends and why must I compare our circumstances? Jealousy had become like a sickness for me and Facebook was assisting its viral spread.

I was well aware of my unhealthy addiction to Facebook and the issues of envy and discontent with my life that it was compounding. So when I received the message "get rid of Facebook" during a time of prayer, while sitting in a church sanctuary, I knew who was asking and I knew why. I told God I would wait until I had finished my current Scrabble games and then I would deactivate my account. In the meantime I continued to use Facebook much as before, and started to wonder if I had really heard from God to remove Facebook from my life. I rationalized and equivocated, but I knew that I needed to follow the directive. So today I began my Facebook fast. I realize that I have issues I need to deal with that go far beyond an addiction to Facebook. However it is the first necessary step in a detoxification process. The duration of the fast and whether I can eventually be a casual user of this social networking site again I don't know. 

Songstress

Although I enjoy singing and listening to music, I am not one of those people who can consistently sing in the right key. When I was a child in Sunday school, I was one of the loudest singers, although not the most harmonic and one day a teacher took me aside and asked that I sing a little quieter so they could hear the other children. After that I guess I was more subdued as after a school production, someone (a fan of my joyful noise) came up to me and expressed their disappointment that they couldn't hear my singing, melodic songbird that I was. I took part in a Kiwanis Festival in grade one and I sang a song called "I have a loose tooth". I earned a Silver. Another memory involves a school presentation in which I was the little one in the song "There are five in the bed and the little one said 'Roll over. Roll over.'" Except in my case it sounded more like Woe ovah Woe ovah because I had difficulty pronouncing my l's and r's.

I remember in grade two at my new school shortly after we came to Hamilton, a group of girls were instructed to sing our memory work. My enthusiastic rendition soon left the other girls speechless and they were giggling and listening to me finish the song by myself.

I never joined our school choir as I had heard from girls in my older sister's class that a previous year the choirmaster had had every one close their eyes and had tapped individuals on the head if he didn't like their voices. I remember in grade five I sang my memory work to my teacher out in the hall and she said "you have a nice voice, why aren't you in choir?"

When a very small child, I can recall answering the question about what I wanted to be when I grew up as that I wanted to be either a singer or a missionary. I would invent my own songs as young children do. But eventually I realised I had more enthusiasm for singing than actual talent. Nowadays I occasionally sing in the shower or along to a cd I am listening to, I sing in church with the music happily drowning out my voice, or I join my non-musical family in our horrendous version of Happy Birthday whether at a birthday meal or on the phone to a far away family member.  The other day my client at the school where I work asked me to sing her a song and I sang to her "The Sound of Music" rather quietly, relieved when she lost interest and my voice could peter out. I might not be the songstress I once dreamed of being, but singing can be fun, provided you don't have an audience of discerning critics. I am happiest singing loudly and not being able to hear myself.

Devolution

At first I thought it was the fact I didn't sound very interesting or that my lack of social life somehow seeped into my profile. Sure I didn't highlight the detail that I still live with my parents or that at thirty-some odd years old, I haven't been in a long-term relationship. But reading between the lines, maybe it was all too clear that my Friday nights were most often spent at home, reading, watching a movie for the first or fifth time or challenging my mother to a game of Scrabble. I have to admit my first dating profile, back when I joined ChristianCafe sounded a lot more appealing than my latest incarnation on Match.com.

Then I wondered if it could be my advancing age? Back then I was under thirty. Or perhaps my profile pictures were not attractive enough? Or maybe my understated expression about the importance of faith in my life was off-putting both to non-believers, who I didn't really want to attract anyway, and believers, who maybe felt it didn't go far enough. A friend had suggested I downplay this emphasis since a previous profile had sounded too religious. 

Maybe if I took a break and tried to achieve a more interesting and appealing life, I could return to the world of online dating and write a better profile? One that would attract some interest and, more importantly, lead to a real-life connection with Mr. Right?

I read some articles and had some discussions about dating websites and Christian dating websites and grew more disheartened. It seemed a lot of guys use Christian websites who aren't who they claim to be and who find Christian dating websites a means to better exploit vulnerable women. And many men use online dating to hook up with no need to commit or settle down and an endless array of women to choose from. It certainly appeared that the only men I was attracting was divorcees and men in their fifties. And then there was that guy who contacted me from an American prison.

In talking to a male friend who wasn't a Christian, I almost despaired of the existence of men of integrity who weren't addicted to porn and who were committed to sexual purity. Almost, but I realised I knew many men who were men of integrity and honour. My friend's view that "all men are pervs" should not cause me to doubt that there were men who were godly, respectful of women, and, even if they were sometimes tempted by lust, had made a covenant with their eyes not to look at a woman lustfully. Men who saw women as more than objects.

In my forays in online dating, I have written many profiles, I have chatted with some men, exchanged emails back and forth, and have even met some individuals in person, many of whom were decent people. I haven't found the One and I have wondered if the One even exists and whether I should even hold onto that concept or not.  I have tried ChristianCafe, eHarmony, and Match.com, moving from explicitly Christian to more secular, and with each new website, I have made fewer connections and met less people. With each attempt I have grown less hopeful. I know dating websites do work for some people, but they haven't worked for me. I realise now with each new profile I have compromised more and been less true to myself and more vague. I should be more confident in who I am, engaged in my life and interested in other people and then, whether I meet Mr. Right or not, I will find more satisfaction in life and success in my relationships. 

Decluttering

Sometimes you don't realize how cluttered your living space has become, until you start to clean it and throw out four bags of garbage and six bags of paper... Yes that's what actually happened to me in the last week. It started on my birthday when my sister phoned me to tell me what her birthday present would be for me. She would help me clean and organize my room, which is something I had asked for, but didn't really expect to get.

My sister didn't realize what she was getting into or the state my room was in. We worked four hours solid and made progress but were no where near completion. I had run out of closet, desk, and filing cabinet space, and my foot care nursing and nursing supplies with back packs, tote bags, and my large tool box out in plain view as well as untidy piles of miscellanous items. My book shelf was overflowing with books and my desktop and dresser were cluttered and untidy on the outside and overfilled within. The main problem is how many papers for my many years of schooling I had held onto. Even though, in studying for my nursing exam, I did not review the entirety of my nursing notes which were nearly illegible anyways, I had kept nearly all of them from all five semesters. I was fooling myself that I would ever look them over again and they were taking up valuable closet space. They couldn't go in my filing cabinets, because I had kept so much other paper from my university career and from each year of my life since I was twenty when I had gotten the filing cabinet. I think I had kept 75% of the papers I got in the mail in that time period.

My sister and I started by cleaning my closet and then managed to get my nursing supplies into my closet. My sister tidied up my dresser while I ruthlessly threw out my notes and other various papers from my closet and desk. By this time we were hungry and nowhere near done. After a snack and texting break, we worked some more, until it was suppertime. My sister outlined what my strategy should be when I would, as she strongly hinted, be working solo. I spent the long weekend doing lots of cleaning, sorting, and throwing out and by Tuesday my room was basically clean. It was such a good feeling to have a clean, less cluttered room and to let go off all those papers! It was not as bad as the hoarders featured on tv, but it was pretty unliveable. 

I would like to go through a similar process, except this time with my life! I am sure I am holding onto to a lot of stuff I should be letting go of.

Messages

I have a bad habit of reading my daily horoscope at the start of my day as religiously as I read the daily comics. I don't exactly believe in it, but I find it interesting to speculate whether its vaguely worded pronouncements will really be reflected in the day to come. I used to avoid horoscopes as something with the taint of the occult, so much so that I deliberately remained ignorant of what my sign was. I am a Virgo, as is my father, and I find it amusing that he and I share the same fuzzy predictions for our day, though I am sure he doesn't read them.

I have a better habit of dipping into a daily devotional by Sarah Young called Jesus Calling, though not so religiously. I find I sometimes don't read it until the day is over, and sometimes I read it the night before. That somehow seems wrong like trying to take on tomorrow before today is even over. Sarah Young writes as though Jesus is speaking directly to the reader building on a similar theme throughout each month and drawing from three related Bible passages.

Today's message was a meld of Psalm 42:7, Psalm 95:1-2, and Jesus' words in Matthew 7:24-25 about the wise builder who builds his house upon the rock, a picture of those who hear Jesus' words and put them into practice:

"I speak to you from deepest heaven. You hear Me in the depths of your being. Deep calls unto deep. You are blessed to hear Me so directly. Never take this privilege for granted. The best response is a heart overflowing with gratitude. I am training you to cultivate a thankful mind-set. This is like building your house on a firm rock, where life's storms cannot shake you. As you learn these lessons you are to teach them to others. I will open up the way before you, one step at a time."

~Sarah Young

It strikes me that the voice of Jesus calling is the message I need to being tuning into on a daily basis, and discerning his message for me from God's word and the Holy Spirit, who communicates to my spirit, should replace my daily horoscope fix. I can hear from the Word that was in the beginning, that was with God, and that was (and is) God, and I can hear very directly. This message not in the least vague, but has immediate application to my individual life. I can intimately know this person. Today I am learning more about the importance of gratitude, a message that already should have been driven home by Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts. Somehow I don't readily put these truths into practice. I guess I lack true wisdom. The wind and rain will inevitably come against my dwelling and test the foundations of my life. The promise in the last line comforts me about the gradual nature of the journey and the sure guidance of my Lord.

Thankful

On a day when tears are so near the surface, the bitter-sweet ending of a book can provoke me to sobs, when I walked out of the song service, because I just couldn't sing that song one more time, when I told a friend I felt sad and tried to explain why, I have come to a realisation that, despite my current emotional volatility and the circumstances in my life I wish were different, I have much to be thankful for. For one thing that I have a friend who cares enough to ask me how I am doing, who listens and prays with me and tells me to smile.

I am so grateful for the parents I have, who love and support me. They helped me while I went back to school for nursing, and my Mom remains confident that I will eventually find my niche, despite some setbacks. I am thankful for my siblings, my four amazing sisters and one wonderful brother. I appreciate my church family and my pastor, who seem to be constantly giving and giving. So many prayers and so much love and support, even to the point of being willing for me to work on their feet so I can meet the requirements of my foot care nursing course.

 In the process of writing this post, I remembered to call a good friend who I was concerned about. After hearing about her current situation, I was able to put my life in perspective. I might have challenges, but I have so many blessings as well. There are people with much more difficult circumstances, people facing things like cancer treatments or the end of a marriage or the loss of a loved one. Today I needed an attitude adjustment and maybe a good cry.

Three courses in 33 days: A Nurse's Education is Never Done

So it has been a couple of months since I have been working fulltime. I had been working with the same client five days a week for ten months, but it was decided that a male nurse was required as this is the client's preference and best meets his needs. To tell you the truth, the client has a distinct aversion to females and only had a female nurse because a male nurse was not available. Since I finished working with that client, I have yet to get a regular client and only work occasionally. I am still a novice nurse because I don't have a wide variety of experience to draw on. This lack of experience means I am not able to confidently nurse all clients or perform all the needed nursing skills with all clients.

So I am going to remedy this lack of experience by getting more training. This week I have taken a wound care course and also had some training in palliative care and some of the skills needed through my home care agency. In July my work has signed me up for a tracheotomy course and a ventilator course which are all day courses which require hundreds of pages of reading to prepare. I am also studying about palliative care with some online and written resources. But my main objective is a foot care course I have enrolled in that is on Saturdays for five weeks. I am hoping to work as a foot care nurse once I have completed the in class component with its labs and the twenty assignments I must complete in the four weeks following the in class part. I may also work part-time in the area of palliative care shift nursing, starting with whatever assignments I am given in July and building on my training.

I don't know if all this training will be too overwhelming, but I hope I can balance school, work, and home life and learn the material and skills well. Right now I feel quite apprehensive. Tomorrow is my first foot care class session. I have to drive to Brampton in my new (to me) car which is yet unnamed. Cornelius is in the shop to fulfill the conditions for his eventual sale which will happen next week hopefully. I better start preparing for bed and finish some last minute preparations for tomorrow.

I guess this is goodbye?

Our relationship began in 2005. At first I thought him rather a throwback and somewhat boring. He lacked colour and life. Then things got interesting when he turned out to be not as reliable as I had expected and he failed at a critical juncture and ruined my future sister-in-law's bridal shower. It was an expensive problem which I had to fix.

I must admit I treated him rather shabbily. I never did the things for him that made him feel special and appreciated. I was careless and sloppy. But I came to rely on him and developed a tender regard for his imperfections.

Now eight years later we have reached the moment where we have to part. I know he suspects something by my uncharacteristic behaviour. It is hard to tell him there is someone else.

Cornelius I love you and I will miss you. No car could ever replace you in my heart.

A Blog Retrospective: The Missing Person

Why is it that your nocturnal revelations are never as profound in the clear light of day as when you have them in the wee hours of the morning? I spent Sunday evening reading through every single blog post of Consider the Lilies. I decided to do it on a whim, with the idea it might give me some insight into my life. It was after 1 am before I was done reading my very first post. By that time my brain was swirling with insightful ideas, and I awakened at 6 am with my mind full of thoughts that would allow no further sleep.

Most of the insights I can't recover with the same clarity or urgency or sense. I have a vague impression that I have changed quite a bit from my earlier blog persona. I don't think I am really the same person who wrote those earnest reflections or who thanked God in the midst of a health crisis. It reminded me of a Michael W. Smith song "Missing Person" in which he sings "there was a boy who had a faith that could move a mountain and like a child he would believe without a reason. Without a trace he disappeared into the void and I have been searching for that missing person." That version of myself is gone.

I was also reading the comments on each post, which used to be more numerous. There were some people who used to comment who I don't even know if they still follow my blog. From my stats for my new posts I don't think they do. The wise and mysterious R; the classmate who shared his spiritual journey and offered help; the young poet from another country who randomly visited my blog.

Some of top posts for pageviews on my blog are rather curious. A popular post is my favourite Bible passages one. Another is the poem I wrote for my sister's birthday. Then there is my post on "dandle and dale" in which I wrote a vignette and a poem on two random words, and my post on eighties fashions and toys. I guess the relative popularity of those posts is somewhat understandable for various reasons. But why a post entitled "My Abrasive Personality" or "The 101st post" would continue to get pageviews I can't really explain. The post that was most viewed was deleted. It was about the town hall meeting that W5 held about the former Dominion Christian Centre, now One Community Church. My sister, who attended the DCC and still attends OCC, was then estranged from the family and I wrote about my impressions and feelings in a post called "Truth and Lies."

In the end, I would have a hard time deleting this blog as I have sometimes considered doing. It is a record of my life and a journal of my impressions and thoughts whether inane or profound. Some of the writing stands the test of time. And while some of my posts are intensely personal and I wonder about having them posted in a public forum anyone could potentially read, I still could not delete this blog for that reason.

Yeah I have changed over the years, for better or for worse. But I still think it is important to "consider the lilies" and I need to be reminded not to worry about my life, but to "seek first" the kingdom of God now more than ever.

Grief

Sometimes news hangs more heavily on you than other times. Like when I heard that a former kindergarten classmate had been killed by lightning while on a family camping trip. I hadn't seen him in years, but it was sad to me that he would never go to university, have a family, or fulfill more of his amazing potential. Why did it have to happen? Why was a life cut short?

That's how I felt on Tuesday when I heard the news that Tim Bosma's charred remains had been found. A sinking feeling of hope dashed. I didn't really know him. He was a grade school classmate, but he went to another high school and I hadn't heard he had gotten engaged, or married, or that he had a daughter or anything about his life since grade school. When I saw his name in the news after he went missing, at first his name didn't even register as someone I knew. I followed the story, I watched the media briefings, I posted the missing poster on my Facebook wall, I prayed he would be returned to his family. I believed that God could perform a miracle, but then on Tuesday morning I heard the worst. I didn't cry, but my heart cried out that it was senseless and that it was wrong. Why was a man stolen from his family? Why would his wife never see his face again, his daughter grow up without him?

Today the tears came while I watched a tribute to Tim. No I didn't know him, I didn't know the person he had become, but my heart grieved... I listened to CBC radio and heard his wife's emotional words as I was driving to meet a friend and tears again blurred my vision. I couldn't imagine the grief his wife, family, and friends were feeling. I don't know what it is like to lose a husband, a father, or a son, let alone in such a tragic manner. I have never had a comparable worst day of my life, a day that will change all the days to follow so irrevocably.

I can only pray that the God of all comfort will comfort them, that he will carry them through, and that somehow good will come out of unspeakable evil. I know it will be a difficult road ahead for a long time, and the wound will always be there. I know it is nothing that platitudes can soothe and I don't know why it had to happen. I can pray they can come to a place of forgiveness and I can pray for justice for Tim. I can pray they will be able to fully grieve this loss, this essential part of them that is gone. I can thank God that their faith is strong, that they have a supportive community surrounding them. Still the questions remain.

Years after the death of my classmate who had been struck by lightning, I stood in a ski chalet built in his memory and read about his short but brilliant life. I smiled as my mom snapped a picture. And I remembered.

Memories

In my memory they live there still in the century old yellow-sided house bordered by well-tended flower beds nestled beside the rail road tracks. I remember the narrow winding green carpeted stair that creaked a complaint when you walked over the uneven steps, the cramped upstairs bedrooms with sloped ceilings, the dark-panelled living room with black moulded wood stove, long tan couch, and Grandpa and Grandma's particular chairs. There is a sliding door that leads out onto the deck and beside it is a shelf of treasured books.

Grandpa must be watering the plants in his greenhouse, and I suppose Grandma is in the kitchen preparing the noon meal. Or perhaps it is Sunday and a pot of Grandpa's famous soup simmers on the stove and Grandpa is reading a novel while Grandma relaxes with a copy of Woman's World.

I still feel we could visit them some Sunday afternoon after church. That we could eat a meal of Grandma's hamburger noodlebake with manderin orange salad and that I could sit on the couch beside my sisters and suck on a Werther's Original candy while reading about how "The Good Old Days They Were Terrible" or how "Kids Still Say the Darnedest things" listening to the conversation.

Nevermind that the old house now has other occupants and that Grandpa and Grandma had moved somewhere less memorable for their final years. I am no longer the child who delighted in a March break spent with my grandparents or who would ask for one more Werther's Original.  Nevermind that Grandpa and Grandma themselves are no longer living, Grandma having succumbed to a cancer and Grandpa following soon afterwards after caring for her so tenderly.

Because in my memory they live on in an old house surrounded by gardens just outside of the settlement of Corinth.

When Hope Springs New

I ripped my blog post title from a Janette Oke book I read back in my tweens when I was known to devour any Christian historical romance with avid enjoyment. This post doesn't have anything to do with that book which I only vaguely recall.

When Hope Springs New is my theme because I want to write something hopeful about the renewal of life that is often associated with springtime. Basically I want to write something hopeful and inspiring to myself who composes a large portion of my rather small readership of those who follow this blog. Winter can be a bleak season for me, notwithstanding Christmas and New Years resolutions. And while I am of course delighted to have a job, first of all, and to be working as a nurse, secondly, my particular job is not without its frustrations. And then there is my need for a new living arrangement, my lack of romantic prospects, and my spiritual spinning of wheels which has been much canvassed over my years of intermittent blog posting.

Yes this was the winter of our discontent, but lo it is the time when hope springs new and the tree bud and blossom and the brooks bubble and the flowers open their petals in a beautiful display of colour and life. For it is a new day and who says you can't start to become the person who you wished you were. Who says change isn't possible or that new attitudes can't begin to transform you and your life from the inside out.

Witness the personal transformation written of so convincingly in One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. Why if I actually applied even some of her ideas to my life, my life would be unrecognizable within the next year. Not to mention, if I were to apply what I know in my head of the Scriptures to my life, my heart would be made new. The problem is not with the lack of sources of inspiration or the lack of power of all that spring symbolizes to transform and renew life. No the problem is with motivation and perseverance, with ambition and drive.

What will it take to turn a bleak hopeless winter into a vibrant hope-filled spring? What will it take for me to be filled with hope and then to put the effort into achieving the hopeful vision for my life? Part of it has to do with the possession of an unswerving faith that God has a good plan for my life and that he will work in me what I am working out. This infusion of faith is difficult enough, but I also need something far more basic: the desire to change and grow and blossom into the person God has called me to be. Sometimes a prayer has to start with Lord I want to desire to change and follow your ways, help me to desire it and to have the strength to begin to do it.

Update on my January 22 resolution

I am a day late with this update, but I am happy to report I have been exercising regularly for the past two weeks. I have been going on the treadmill for 30 minutes or going for a brisk walk outdoors. On the treadmill I have even tried running for up to 600 metres at a time. I have only skipped exercising four times over the two week period. However, I have not kept a food journal and, although I have cut down on my sweets and snacking, the reform in my eating habits has not been total. I have lost approximately five pounds and I will continue my regular exercise habit which I rather enjoy.

New Years Resolutions

My coworker has kept his New Years resolution for the past several years. Several years ago he vowed never again to make another New Years resolution! Not a year goes by that I don't make at least one New Years Resolution. This year it was to exercise regularly by walking daily at least a half hour, to snack on less junk, to skip desserts, and in the end to lose at least thirty pounds of excess weight and several inches around my midsection. Also I was going to be more social and get out more.

So far this year I have gone cross country skiing once and out for a walk four times out of twenty two days. Some days there is too much snow and I don't have suitable boots. Some days it is too cold like today. Some days I can't use the treadmill because my sister is in her room or because I will wait until she is back in school or until she is done exams. I can't go out because I might meet a lion in the streets and be killed. I am just kidding about that last excuse, that excuse is from Proverbs talking about the ridiculous excuses a lazy person will make.

I haven't exactly been excelling at the less snacking either, and it shows because I haven't lost any significant weight. By liberal estimates I may have lost 2 pounds, but possibly not.

As far as being more social, I have skipped three Bible studies and gotten together with zero friends so far this year, unless you count the church social I attended.  I have had time however to read seven books and watch ten Due South episodes.

So my New Years Resolution is a failure so far, but perhaps I can make a January 22 Resolution. I do here-by resolve to stop making excuses and go for a walk at least five times a week for the next two weeks and to severely limit unhealthy snacking by keeping a food journal for the next two weeks! Then by February 5th I do here-by commit to reporting on my compliance with these resolutions and the resulting weight loss or gain.

My coworker's point is that you should make necessary changes in your life, but not because it is a New Years Eve. You should do it because it the healthy and wise thing for you to do and you don't have to wait for a new year. He has successfully quit two bad habits and started more than one healthy habit, so he should know.

Getting a life

There is an apt saying all men die, but not all men have truly lived. Sometimes I wonder if I am living a full life as defined by this world's standards, let alone if I am living a full life as defined by Christ. By the first measure, I am sadly lacking in independence, wealth, success, and coupledom. I am single, live with my parents and younger sister, over thirty, own an ancient car and may never own my own home. Although I have dabbled in the dating world, I haven't had a significant relationship or someone I would call my boyfriend ever. I am not sure if I will ever have a child. True, I am educated, am working as a professional in my chosen field, and I would be considered wealthy in the eyes of a significant portion of the world to whom owning a second pair of shoes is a sign of affluence. But definitely I come up lacking by Western standards.

Nevertheless I am a long way from where I have been, and from where I might still be. And I have learned some things from my journeys through the darkness of depression and the living hell of psychosis. I have grown in some ways and I have learned some wisdom. In my darkest times I have found God and found him to be faithful. It is in other times that I lose connection and muddle through life with and without God.

What about life to the full spoken of by Jesus in John 15? This life is not measured by the same standards. Wealth is not important, nor is worldly success, or marital status. Still living with your parents at the age some of your peers are celebrating ten years of marriage is less important than being lacking in love for others. It is important to be connected to Christ as your source of sustenance and life and to bear fruit fruit through the process of discipleship and growth, acts of service and life in the Spirit. Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, and self-control should be in evidence. So by this measure I am also lacking. 

But writing this has helped me see that however lacking my life may seem by any measure, there is an abundance of blessings in my life already. And however lacking in faith I may be, God remains faithful. So maybe in this new year I can get a life that overflows with gratitude and with grace. Maybe I can realize what is truly important and be grateful for the blessing of being alive to face another day, overtaken by the goodness and mercy of God.

Putting God on hold

This weekend some one told me I had three choices, I could walk away from God and what I profess to believe, I could do nothing while waiting for lightning to strike, or I could choose to pursue God and his purposes for my life and become the person I was created to be in relationship with God. I realized that I had basically put God on hold, only calling on him when I needed help with an urgent situation. Not only does my life fail to line up with what I claim are my beliefs, I also don't see myself the way he sees me. He sees me as beautiful, worthy, accepted, and I see myself as full of ugliness, not worth the price he paid for me, and not acceptable to God. 

I need to see Jesus and his eyes full of love. I need to see myself through his eyes. I need an encounter with the living God. I need a transformation, a renewal, and major renovation from the inside out.

The words of a familiar song should become my habitual prayer, "Oh Lord, you're beautiful. Your face is all I seek. For when your eyes are on this child, your grace abounds to me." 

I can no longer afford to put God on hold and live life in my own comfortable rut, making my daily choices selfishly and foolishly. If what the Bible says about God and myself is true, then some things have to change, starting with my heart and my way of seeing, and continuing into all areas of my life and all parts of myself. What will following Christ entail and what will it cost? 

Looking for that Special Someone...

...who will illuminate the darkest of nights, enliven the best parts of me with his joie de vivre, be the ocean to my shoreline and reshape contours of my life possibilities, inspire me to the heights of literary poetry and prose, and stir the deepest fibers of my nature. This person need not have the physique of a Greek god, but this would not be viewed as a drawback. He must be a friend, kindred spirit, and fellow pilgrim on the road leading to spiritual fulfillment and everlasting bliss. 

Well, no I am not exactly serious. But I have been trying a couple online dating sites. A couple of years ago I was a member of Christian Cafe and I even met some people in person, but I eventually cancelled my membership. I have gotten emails from the Cafe periodically inviting me back for 10 days of a free trial. I finally accepted about ten days ago. I found it a little harder to articulate what I was looking for in a relationship and what my shining qualities were than it was two years ago. A few days ago I created a profile on eHarmony late one Friday night (no I hadn't been drinking). After their intensive personality questionnaire which I thought I was honestly answering it emerged that I am actually an extrovert! No one who knows me would ever mistake me for one but there it was! Since then I have gotten daily free matches, but I can't really contact any of them, aside from free "icebreakers", until I commit to a membership. Anyways my profile is not exactly inspiring so only two people have attempted to contact me.

Reading over my opening description there really is only one man who could fulfill most of the requirements and he is divine (though not a Greek god) and definitely in my life to stay. To clarify I am speaking of Jesus. Maybe I should get to know and love him a little better, as well as myself.... Maybe I will find my life and possibilities a little more inspiring then. Just a thought.

Pondering One Thousand Gifts

I recently received a copy of "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp. It was an "unbirthday gift" which I got by redeeming one of my 52 coupons that I got as a birthday gift from my parents. So far I have redeemed three coupons and got a poem written for me, a mug of hot chocolate prepared for me, and the unbirthday gift. In the future I will attend a concert, get to be a princess for a day, go out for lunch, and pick out an item at the mall... just to name a few of the more lucrative of my coupons.

"One Thousand Gifts" is an amazing book which was recommended to me by my sister who gave me a gift book with excerpts from it. What is amazing about it is not merely how well-crafted the writing is, but how full of insight and wisdom it is. I am only on the third chapter and so far it has made me cry, think, and wonder if just maybe I will internalize its truths and change the way I think. A central insight in the book is how gratitude for God's gifts, however small they are, transforms your life and how naming each gift is a way of giving thanks and discovering God's love and grace anew. It brings true joy as you practice gratitude.

What I like about the book is that it poignantly portrays hard circumstances including terrible tragedies and the author's depression that caused her to wake up every day wanting to die, but it also points the way to hope and joy in the midst of these difficult times. It makes me wonder if ingratitude could be the root that is poisoning my life and if something as simple of naming blessings could transform me. This book makes me hope as no book since "The Purpose Driven Life" has made me hope that change is possible. I hope as I continue to read the book its insights won't just be interesting ideas, but that I will go on to apply them to my life. If I do I think I will never be the same.

Another Year Older

Yesterday I celebrated another birthday, a day later than the actual date. I am now well into my thirties, a fact that still astonishes me. I certainly don't feel mature enough for such a well-advanced age. Never-the-less I am continually getting older and adding to my library of life experiences. I am now a professional in the health care field with a full-time job as a Registered Practical Nurse. Just the other week I drank my first full bottle of beer. This milestone occurred while playing my 111th game of Settlers of Catan. I mention it only as an example of my branching out in new directions. Believe me, it is only one of many possible examples. I am growing as a person and growing larger not only in character but also in girth (my nephew and niece asked me if I am expecting: I am not, though I certainly look the part.)

My younger sisters and I in the new kitchen which is nearing completion.

August has been a good month. I relished a week's vacation with my family at a remote cottage and spending time with my sister, nephews, and nieces during their two week visit to Ontario. I enjoyed my father's 60th birthday celebration with extended family, other than the trip to the emergency department after my nephew cut open his forehead above his eye. My own birthday libations were also fun with scrumptious food, generous presents, and a competitive game of Balderdash which I didn't win. My family actually found a chocolate game of Scrabble... this is the epitome of board games, in my view, and I hope I get to eat the chocolate trophy after wiping out the competition.

In the years to come, I hope I live fully, love deeply, and develop in many new directions. I hope I walk in all the plans and purposes of God for my life. 

My sister taking a break from dishes after a birthday meal,

Another August Already?

Last August found me finishing up my last couple weeks of pregrad and planning a couple of weeks holidays before embarking on a job search. I find it hard to believe almost a year has passed since I finished school. Since then I have worked for several months as a personal support worker, taken and passed my exam, become a registered practical nurse, and started work as a RPN.

As this August begins I am getting into the swing of things with my latest home care position, looking forward to a week with my whole family at a cottage mid month, and to celebrating my Dad's 60th and my own birthday as the month draws to a close. 

It may be a cliche, but it is definitely true that the longer you live the faster time seems to go. As I reflect on my progress towards my admittedly vaguely defined life goals, I wonder at how I spend the resource of time. Have I invested it into things that really matter? I also wonder what life will look like in five or ten years and what I will have to change so I will be able to look back on a life well lived. And yes, I wonder too if I will ever marry or have children, since there are limited years in which having children will be possible.

I want to spend more time and energy on building relationships and friendships, on serving others, on growing closer to God, on following where the Spirit leads. I want to be able to look back on this decade as one of fruitfulness, one of personal growth, one of seized opportunities and life-changing experiences. I hope this month I will be able to look back and look forward and consider my life's trajectory and what my goals and mission should be for the next year and years. Life is short, but how you spend it can last forever. 

End of August last year posing with Tungsten

Challenges and Choices

Starting a new phase of life has never been easy for me. The transition from nursing student to nurse has been tough. Instead of feeling confident and sanguine, I have felt a disabling anxiety. Tomorrow I am starting work with a new home-care client and I know it won't be easy for me to adjust to the new responsibilities, routines, and the unique behavioral issues of my client. It also will be tough for my client to adjust to a new care-giver.

I am hoping that this opportunity will work out, but I am anxious that it might not. I have prayed that tomorrow I will be able to do my best and that my client will have a good day. Still, the anxiety remains. Trusting that whatever happens, God will be with me and will help me do all things through his strength is hard to do. But I have to make a choice not to worry, and instead to trust.

There are many things I can't control, but I can make this decision. Whether this particular job works out or not, God does have a good plan for my life. He is reliable and his promises are sure. I pray he will guide me in this new part of my life.

Suzanne: Writer of Purple Prose

When I was much younger I used to write stories on the computer. I wrote one about the daughter of a missionary who got kidnapped. I wrote another about a princess who was threatened with a marriage proposal from an evil prince and is offered help in this dilemma by a prince-in-disguise. I started a reworking of the story of Rapunzel, and plotted out  a romantic story about a princess who was promised in marriage to a egotistical newly-crowned King but falls for his younger twin brother who actually turns out to have been born first. Yeah I was big on melodrama.

I had big plans to write a sprawling story told from the perspective of Cinderella's stepsister telling what really happened, namely that Cinderella was a spoiled brat who maligned her step-sisters and step-mother. I was about ten pages into this tale, full of flowery prose, and romantic descriptions when I discovered that my brother had a written an ending for it in which a secondary character, the love interest of one of the stepsisters came to call and, in a state of rage and insanity, shoots every member and creature  in the household with his blunderbuss and then turns on himself, killing all except for "the stupid cricket that kept" the narrator "awake at night." It ended "Oh well, I'm dead anyways." After this assassination of all of my well-realized characters, I stopped writing the story. I think it was because I realized it was ripe for ridicule A couple of years later I showed it to my younger sister who wrote a satirical addition that was side-splittingly funny, mainly because it spoofed the most flowery and romantic and idiosyncratic lines in my story.  In my senior year of highschool I wrote a short tale for a short story assignment that was narrated by Cinderella's stepsister and focused on the royal ball and its aftermath. It was basically how I planned my original story to end. 

Last week my mom challenged me to start writing something fictional again. I had a lot of free time and most of my family was away. I decided I wanted to finish my story about Cinderella as originally envisioned. So I rewrote and added to my previous writing and tacked on the ending I had already written from my school assignment. Although I enjoyed the process, I can't say I am particularly proud of the end result. After my mom had read the story, which she pronounced "cute," I showed her my first draft of the story with John and Rachel's endings. She laughed so hard she started crying, and stated that I should have left it with Rachel's ending. I am inclined to agree. 

I wonder what a mature well-crafted story from me would look like?

The Dying Art of Gratitude

I must admit I have tendencies to pessimism and have been known for embellishments that make my hard-luck stories sound even worse. And at a time when a door of opportunity has just been unceremoniously slammed in my face, I could easily make a list of things I am worried or concerned about. However I have instead challenged myself to create a list of things I am thankful for, detailing at least thirty things:

 

I am thankful:

1. to be a citizen of Canada where I have freedom and many opportunities as well as a comfortable standard of living

2.  for my parents who have supported me through two post-secondary degrees and through times of illness and depression

3.  for my sisters and brother who are all amazing people and add joy to my life

4. for my excellent liberal arts education and subsequent nursing diploma

5. for the joy that chocolate brings to my life

6. for the beauty of the natural world

7. for friendships both those that have endured and ones that are in the past

8. for wonderful books that have transported me to fictional worlds and enlarged my horizons

9. for the incredible patience of God and his mercy

10. for the ability to dream and envision the future

11. for romantic comedies even if I am the only one who really enjoys them in my family

12. for my friend Michelle who is God's gift to me

13. for opportunities to work in health care and the possibility of  finding my niche

14. for physical health and strength, even if I am unable to do a chin-up or run a mile

15. for improved mental health

16. for my church family and pastor 

17. for my Dutch-Canadian heritage 

18. for the opportunity to know all of my grandparents and the ninety years my Oma has lived

19. for the enjoyment that writing brings me

20. for my academic ability and achievements

21. for the joy of baking and eating my decadent creations

22. for second chances and new opportunities

23. for times of laughter and hilarity

24. for the gift that God gave to the world in sending his Son and the eternal life he brings

25. for my nephews and niece who I will get to see again this summer

26. for the gift of singleness

27. for the journey through darkness that has shaped me a person and made me aware of the light

28. for the joys of being a woman including the capacity to nurture new life

29. for my car which is still drivable and only a little dented

30. for over thirty years of life

A Lady of Leisure

The last two weeks or so have not involved a lot of work. The shift nursing job that was supposed to give me thirty plus hours a week ended up fizzling out into nothing after one shift due to a client's hospitalization. I requested other assignments, but for over a week I had zero shifts and no work from my second job either. So I became a woman with a lot of extra time on her hands. I'd like to say I packed it with meaningful activities and purposeful living, but the reality is I did a smattering of cooking and baking and housework, enjoyed some time reading and watching tv, got a little bit of exercise, and got a lot of extra sleep.

So would I enjoy having unlimited leisure time? Probably not. Sometimes to appreciate the time off, you have to put in a good day's work first to make it more enjoyable. Also not earning any money is problematic and my next pay day is going to be painful experience. 

I got hired for a third nursing position this week and today got asked to work with a new home care client two days a week, so I am hoping that I will soon be a relatively productive member of society. With three positions, all of which involve learning new things and adapting to new workplaces, I think my stress level will be quite high for the next couple of months. Still, if I can push through it, perhaps the next time I have a holiday, planned rather than unexpected, I will enjoy it to the full.

Embarking on a Nursing Career

Right now I am writing a blog post instead of composing a cover letter... Now that is the power of procrastination!

I have many excuses for the lack of productivity on my Wednesday evenings: I have put in a busy day as a PSW beginning at 9 am and ending at 5 pm. I am tired. I have all morning and most of the afternoon tomorrow to work on applications. I am entitled to an evening off now and then. Did I mention my state of utter exhaustion?

Yeah job searching is one of those activities that you need to force yourself to make time for. It is supposed to be a full-time job, but I already work about thirty-five hours a week, mornings, afternoons, and evenings and I know I don't invest nearly enough time into my search for my first nursing job. And then there is the advice that I really should be spending time networking and using contacts to find a job.

I guess I could already be working as a nurse in home care, if I accepted a position with the company I work for as a PSW. But I have my heart set on a position in long term care, and I would rather work as a part of a team than go to clients on my own and struggle with the huge learning curve of the novice nurse solo. I would have training and support I know, but my courage fails at the thought of so much independence and responsibility. But any nursing job will require a great deal of independence and responsibility, so maybe it is just more excuses for not taking a leap into the unknown.

Maybe I find nursing an attractive career in the abstract, but the concrete form of an actual nursing job is for me a little frightening. I need to find some confidence and go for it, like Julie Andrew's Maria did in The Sound of Music. I hope I can muster up some courage for my first job interview as a RPN on Monday and then I hope I can go boldly into the future as a registered practical nurse ready to work in the health care field and to make a positive difference in the lives of the people I encounter. Because I have confidence in me! And because I need to trust that God will direct my steps and lead me into the job I have been praying for and training for.

1 Corinthians 13
New International Version (NIV)
1 Corinthians 13

1 If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor or surrender my body to the flames,[b] but have not love, I gain nothing.

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12 For now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.


The moment that you realize you are morally and spiritually bankrupt or, perhaps, more like impoverished (along the lines of poor, blind, pitiful and naked), is the moment that you have looked in the mirror and not liked the person staring back at you. It is the time you recognize that possess little faith, and less hope, and still less the type of love spoken of in this passage you are able to recite word for word from memory. You realize you want to be worthy, or made worthy, not worthy of believing what you have in the past professed, but worthy of having once believed; you want to have been transformed into a worthy personage, now meriting divine love. You know that underneath it all you are angry, embittered about the failure of the contract you thought you had written in stone by the finger of God. You acknowledge you are in desperate need of grace, but you don't know if you can accept it from a God who you have failed to love with all your heart, soul, mind and strength. In the end the person staring back at you is a person who is not worthy, but who might be able to accept a free gift, a person who could potentially possess purified gold, but who at the moment remains wretched.

Update on a new year

So it is pretty sad when you are half way into February and you have yet to post something on your blog for 2012. I am busy working in home care as a personal support worker, but it is not like I don't have lots of free time. The latest news... I am now debt-free and ... yesterday I found out that I had passed my CNO RPN examination! I will be an RPN just as soon as they process my registration (that I have yet to mail in). So now I need to be job searching for a position as a registered practical nurse. In other news, next week my mom is going to Kenya. During her two week absence my sister Christina has agreed to take over many of the household chores, because soon she will be going to China and she wants to earn some money. And my other sister is going to Amsterdam for her reading week. Soon I will be the least traveled member of my family. But I will also be the only nurse!

Graduation

I had my graduation ceremony and received my Practical Nursing diploma last week. I am glad to be done my schooling and appreciated having my parents at my graduation. They got me roses, gave me a pearl ring from the Philippines, wrote out a special card,and took the family out for dinner. This is my second post secondary graduation, and it wasn't as special as the first one, but it still is a nice feeling. I will write my exam in January and once I get the results I will be an official nurse in search of a nursing job!

A Heart Grown Cold

When I was younger and hearing Old Testament Bible stories, I wondered how in the span or a generation (or less) God's people could turn away and pursue other gods. The cyclical nature of their relationship with God baffled me. Why didn't they learn from their history that to turn away from God meant disaster, while following him brought blessing? Again and again they were unfaithful, but when they cried out to God for deliverance he rescued them.

I don't find their disobedience so hard to understand any more. That's because I go through periods when my heart is far from God and I am merely going through the motions of a Christian life. I have been going through such a period for some time now. I wouldn't define it as a dark night of the soul, though I have experienced that before. I would call it a time of spiritual barrenness and lassitude. My prayers are few and are either crisis prayers or monologues to God about what is wrong between me and him and how I don't believe it can change. I may occasionally pray for others, but my prayers lack conviction.

I want to have some epiphany, some shining moment that will turn things around and change the course of my life. I know that the times I have felt closest to God have been times when I am ill and need to rely on him. But I don't want to be ill.

In church I sing the repetitive choruses, but I don't feel anything, no spark of connection, no sense of awe. The Bible fails to excite me or motivate me. I am numb to its transforming power. I feel no thirst or hunger, only an emptiness.

So now I understand how God's people could hear of God's mighty acts of deliverance or witness it themselves and still turn away. I know what it is to have a heart grown cold, hard as a stone. What I don't understand is how God could continue to show himself faithful to such a faithless people. Was the cost of redemption worth the lacklustre results?

I have been told that Christ would have gone to the cross even if it could only save one person, even if it could only restore me, and me alone, to God. But now I wonder if he is as frustrated as I am at this cycle of futility. What will it take to turn my hardened heart into a heart of flesh and to breathe new life into these dry bones? Maybe just a willingness to cry out to him for deliverance... a desperation for him. A simple remedy, so why is it so difficult?

Life These Days

Since last post, I have had another birthday, begun a job search, and started working in the health-care field. Right now my job is part-time in home care, but probably I will eventually build up more clients. I work evenings and weekends and also some mornings, with every other weekend off. I also have a second job I haven't started yet, also in home care.

I won't be a RPN until sometime in the New Year, after I pass my College of Nurses of Ontario exam. I am glad to have a job in the meantime, although I am also glad that this is a temporary stage on the way to becoming a full-fledged nurse.

I need to find a good work/life balance. I am trying to take a walk every day. I haven't started studying for my exam in January yet, but once in a while I try a question in my Practice Manual and I always get them right! I am not sure when I will start studying... I have been advised to start sooner rather than later.

I am still getting used to my job, but I enjoy my clients and it is great to help them in their homes and make a difference in their lives.

My Final Week!

Today I started my final week of Pregrad. Tomorrow I have my Evaluation and on Wednesday I will have my last day. I have one assignment left and three hours at school on Friday and then I will be officially done my time training as a Practical Nurse. I will graduate in October and I have elected to take my final College of Nurses exam in January rather than in September, meaning I won't be able to work as a Practical Nurse immediately.

Before I plunge into my job search I am taking a couple of weeks of vacation. I have been in school since January 2010 so some time off without thinking about school will be great. I just have to find enough enjoyable vacation-like things to do, so I am not wasting my leisure time.

I am feeling better about nursing as a career and I am glad that there are many options in this field of work. I am still not sure what area interests me the most; I do appreciate long term care and working with the elderly. Although I am finishing my studies at Mohawk, I have so much left to learn as I begin my nursing career. I am excited I made it this far.



A random picture from my sister's birthday earlier this summer. Summer has flown by!



My nephew, niece and newest nephew looking adorable.

A Solitary Weekend

I have the weekend off from my nursing endeavours and I have the house to myself. I may have a couple of people over at some point, but three of my family members have gone to visit my new nephew, Ethan David who was born a week ago, and the other family member is off to Montreal for a fun-filled weekend.

I actually had a very good day today and am satisfied with a job well done. Next week I have the evening shift, so I am looking forward to being able to sleep past 5:15 am. I almost overslept a couple of times this past week, as my alarm didn't wake me because the radio was softer than the noise of the fan I had on full blast. Thankfully I got to work on time, because I woke up half an hour later by myself on Monday morning, and was woken up by my Dad Thursday morning. He was surprised that the first word out of my mouth was a swear word. Oops!

I picked up some movies from the library, but, according to my discerning sister, none of them are any good. Thankfully I never let the lameness of a romantic comedy detract from my enjoyment of it. Other than that I will do some lounging around the pool, sipping cool drinks, and reading one of The Number One Ladies' Detective Agency books, and will also complete necessary tasks like laundry, ironing, and watering the garden plants.

It should be a decent weekend, although I'd rather be in Saskatchewan, meeting my newest adorable nephew.

A Life Fulfilled

I am a person who likes routines, even if life becomes slightly monotonous and stale. I mean, I don't go out seeking excitement on a Friday night. I like predictability and stability. But sometimes I wonder... what is my life all about?

I have been told that I tend to be overly focused on myself and if I would look outwards and love the people around me, I would be much happier and more fulfilled. Navel gazing isn't particularly beneficial, especially if accompanied by self-flagulation.

I guess I'd like to be more focused on others, and in the profession I have chosen there is a lot of potential to develop in that direction. To be an effective nurse, you must be focused on the patient and put your own concerns aside.

Sadly, selfishness comes much more naturally to me than selflessness. I am reminded of Jesus' words that Eugene Peterson paraphrases so starkly, "If you don't go all the way with me, through thick and thin, you don't deserve me. If your first concern is to look after yourself, you'll never find yourself. But if you forget about yourself and look to me, you'll find both yourself and me." These words hold a promise that if I lose my life in following Christ and serving others, I will find it. That will be a life fulfilled, and a life filled with love, no matter how routine it may appear. Somehow I don't think a sold-out life could be monotonous.

A New Challenge

This past week I wrote my last test at Mohawk College. Now I will start my eight-week pregrad experience. I will be working in long term care with the elderly and I need to clock 300 hours. All my shifts are either days or evenings and are eight hours long.

I am quite apprehensive about this new challenge. Yesterday I bought some new scrubs and new shoes. I wish that confidence was on sale! I guess I'll just have to gain some confidence through getting more experience as a nurse.

Another Summer in School

After two weeks off, I am getting ready to head back to school for my final semester of Practical Nursing. Last week I found out my good friend and study buddy would not be around for this summer after all, but would be taking her final semester in the fall. I will definitely miss her, and contemplated working this summer instead of taking school, but decided finding a summer job on such short notice might be a bit tough.
Spending another summer in school means that I have been in school since January 2010without any fourth month break to rejuvenate me or summer job to restore my bank account. I will be busy until August 19 with semester and pregrad experience, and then I will have my exam in September. I think the toughest part will be when my sister, nephew, and niece come to visit for a couple of weeks and I have to be studying full-time when I'd rather be spending more time with them. At the same time I am really looking forward to them coming. We have a family wedding and a camping trip coming up.
On the plus side, I like school, even if I find the clinical experience stressful. Also I will get done that much sooner and enter the workforce as a Practical Nurse sooner. I even have been given an unexpected bursery so I will be less in debt. I won't be earning money or enjoying much vacation time this summer, but finishing the program will be a great accomplishment I can celebrate at the end of August.

On Death and Life

On this, the day before we celebrate Jesus' resurrection, after having commemorated his death on a hill outside Jerusalem two thousand years ago, I am thinking about death and about life. As a Christian, part of me is supposed to have died along with Jesus and another part is supposed to have been raised to life. While there is a deadness, a barrenness, a dryness inside of me, my old sinful nature seems very much alive and while evidence of Jesus' resurrection life, the new self, seems reluctant to emerge from where it is cocooned.

I desire a new life, a vitality, a spiritual rebirth, but I am afraid. I fear both the death and the life that is required. Sometimes I think about Jesus' words. There are some comforting ones like "Come to me all who are weary and heavy-laden" and "No one can snatch them (believers) out of my Father's hand." There are words of hope and grace. But then there are the demanding ones like "Be perfect as your Heavenly Father is perfect" or "If any one would come after me, he must deny himself take up his cross and follow me." I ponder the fate of the ten foolish virgins or the servant who hid his talent, or I remember Christ's words that not every one who says to him "Lord, Lord" will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of his Father in heaven. Jesus had harsh words for the hypocrites and for those who thought they had no need of grace. When I think of Jesus' more difficult words and the cost of discipleship, I second-guess the boundaries of his grace and I ponder the prospect of Christ as judge. Does he really accept me?

This weekend, I prayed that Jesus who suffered on the cross to pay the debt of my sin, would change and renew me and transform me. I prayed that it wouldn't depend on me, but on him. I felt a sense of peace and confidence that he who began a good work in me, would bring it to completion. The parts of me that must die, will die, the dry bones will be brought to life, and the new self will come forth, as Christ burst forth from the grave.

The End is Near

Only five months remain of my program and so far I am surviving. As usual I am concerned (actually worried is more accurate) how my clinical placement will go. And not looking forward to two group projects coming up. This part of the semester will be more of a challenge due to a greater volume of work and a tiredness that seems to be creeping over me. There is so much I don't know yet and it can be overwhelming. We are learning a new way of documentation by computer at the hospital.

I finished a clinical rotation that was challenging in other ways. Psychiatric facilities aren't my favourite places to be and it is sad to see how sick some of the patients are.

In view of how little I have been blogging lately, I wonder if the end is near also for this blog? Can new life be breathed into it, or should it go the way of all the earth?

Disorganized

Today I finally got around to filling in my wall calendar for this semester. And it is *only* January 26th. I have two group projects and numerous assignments due in the coming weeks. I have never been this disorganized and it is starting to stress me out. On Monday I have three tests. I am not sure how I will make it through to the end of February let alone the end of April. Somehow my motivation is lacking. And the class work is the easy part for me... clinical is much more demanding and challenging. Let's hope I can pull up my socks!

Uninspired

I haven't been inspired lately to write on this blog. And I haven't been all that inspired by life either. I've been busy with nursing school, and I am now halfway through. I have about three weeks off now, and I am contemplating restarting a crocheting project again so I have more to do than Christmas baking and eating of Christmas baking.

This time of year I miss Grandpa and Grandma who have been gone now for three years. Lately I have been feeling a little on the melancholy side. It is easy to forget how far I've come. It is easy to focus on what I don't have.

Christmas time is a time to remember how God became incarnate as a baby and what this gift meant to the world. Grant that I can see it again with eyes of wonder and be filled with joy.

My First Twelve-Hour Clinical Day

I feel an immense sense of my relief to have survived my first clinical day. I had built it up as this enormous worry in my mind and I was terrified I would be found incompetent like the emperor who had no clothes. It turns out I did have some trouble with my assessments especially the cardiac one after I couldn't quite hear the apical pulse, but my teacher said my notes were like that of a medical student and didn't have to be that detailed. I am not completely happy with how I managed my time or performed my assessments, but the important thing is I made it through and I can try again!

Of Wound Care and IVs

As the second part of second semester begins, I have serious doubts about my ability to survive in the intense clinical environment. I will endure a twelve hour shift in which I have to churn out a complete Gordon's Assessment as well as complete and document an abdominal assessment, respiratory and cardiac assessment, and a peripheral vascular assessment, along with regular patient care tasks and documentation. My handwritten notes on the Gordon's Assessment will be photocopied and have to be both legible and detailed.

It is one thing to learn about the theory of things like wound care and monitoring IVs and quite another to put into practice along with every other relevant thing you have learned. Knowing what to do in an urgent situation and applying what you've learned on the fly demands excellent critical thinking and a good dose of confidence.

All I can say is I need something miraculous to get me through the next six weeks.

Ready for a Breather

At the peak overlooking Dundas with two sisters and an almost-sister.


I am halfway through my second semester of Practical Nursing and about to start my third clinical placement. But first I have a week off. There is quite a long to do list to complete before the week is out, but hopefully I will also get some good relaxation in.

I am qualified to administer medications now, and I have been learning about respiratory and cardiac assessments. In the second part of second semester I will be learning about wound care. Academically I am doing well, but although I had a good report from my clinical teacher, I feel I have a lot of room for improvement in my clinical skills which will come with practice, I hope.

Life as a nursing student can be a challenge. The workload is heavy, even with a reduced courseload. It is hard to get the right balance and to maintain a social life outside of school. This coming week I will visit a friend I haven't seen since August, before she had her baby.

I am a good student, but I want to translate that into being the best nurse I can be. I hope that by the end of the year, I will be a more confident and competent nursing student and put into practice all I have been studying.

Of Ruins and Renovations

The words echo in my mind, "Remember the height from which you have fallen." Jesus' words to the church in Ephesus, I recall, flipping to the back of my Bible. I wonder if these words apply to me. Have I forsaken my first love?

It is true I have been finding less and less time to spend with God, and that the long services at church frequently leave me in a state of half-hearted worship, wishing for the service to end. I am more often in a state of worry and anxiety than in a state of calm trust in God. My infrequent prayers are generally me promising God I will renew my devotion to him, which I am aware has lapsed as of late.

So maybe I am in a state of free-fall, plummeting towards the earth. But how do I change my heart and my attitude? How will a repentance be more than hollow words spoken out of guilt?

I want to be someone who lives what they profess to believe, but the disconnect is worsening, and the chasm between where I want to be and where I am is widening.

The truth is that I don't believe my own prayers. If it depends on me and my will-power and my ability to change myself I will never get there. I need an inner transformation, a renovation of my mind, a revolution in my habits. I need God to change me.

The thing is he has promised me a new heart, a renewed mind, a new self. The words are there written in my Bible. So why the disconnect, why the multi-layered guilt, why the impoverished spirit, when the riches are already mine by Christ's finished work on the cross? If there is now no condemnation, why do I feel like one of those condemned ruins about to be flattened?

Do I trust in Christ or am I like a wave tossed by the sea? Is his work enough or must I add to it?

Please take me, God, and mold me like clay. Please move into my house and renovate it. Fix the structural damage. Throw out the junk I have been holding onto and organize the clutter. Redecorate it so it is beautiful again. Restore me, renew me, transform me. I don't want to live in the squalor of broken dreams and empty promises.

Thanksgiving

The world is charged with the grandeur of God, as Gerard Manley Hopkins once began a wonder-filled poem. It is in evidence in the variegated beauty of the fall foliage and even in the delightful tastes of a Thanksgiving feast. This Thanksgiving we enjoyed time with family, heaping platefuls of delectable dishes, and a hike to the Dundas Peak where we saw a panoramic view of Dundas valley clothed in yellows, reds, oranges, and greens. Even in the rain with seemingly hundreds of fellow walkers, it was a spectacle worth the hike.

In honour of Thanksgiving here is an incomplete list of things I am thankful for:

1. My lovely and loving family who continue to put up with my foibles with admirable grace.
2. My health and strength, both mentally and physically.
3. The opportunity to study nursing, even if I complain about the rigours and the challenges.
4. God's continual grace in my life and my church family who help channel that grace to me.
5. An overabundance of good food to eat.
6. The freedom I enjoy both as a citizen of Canada and citizen of God's kingdom.
7. The stunning beauty of the world created for us to enjoy.
8. My ability to think and to write down my thoughts intelligently.
9. A warm and cozy house to live in with my own room and space, even if I don't always keep it tidy.
10. My adorable nephew and niece who are two little miracle children.

Moments of non-brilliance

Yeah I guess we all have these moments, when we don't think through the implications or the consequences of our actions. But that I should have two such moments in one day makes me a little red-faced.

Today I walked into a room with contact precautions without gown or gloves. The patient was the one to point it out to me. Somehow I hadn't noted the sign on the door, and I helped open all her breakfast items before I was informed of my omission. It is all the worse because I had worked with the patient before, and used the gown and gloves, donning and doffing each time I entered or exited the room.

If that was all, maybe I could shrug it off like a badly fitting coat. But no, in helping another student with her respiratory and abdominal assessments, I committed the ultimate crime. Her patient also had contact precautions and I carried in some papers and a book to help with the assessment, and then, I PLACED THEM ON A BEDSIDE TABLE! Also my fellow student had papers she was writing on on that table. Somehow we hadn't thought of contaminated papers and books that couldn't be properly cleaned afterwards.

A nurse informed us of our error and our teacher was also notified of it, and later asked us to talk about it at post-conference. We both felt a little foolish, because it hadn't occurred to us until we were cleaning our stethoscopes that our papers couldn't be similarly disinfected.

Chalk it up to a misfiring of critical thinking skills, and a lesson learned the hard way. This red-faced nursing student will be thinking through each action and its implications from now on, especially with contact precautions!

Happy Birthday Christina!

To my favourite teenager and a most excellent sister, Happy Fourteenth Birthday! You are a mature, talented, intelligent, and athletic young person and an awesome human being! I love you, I'm proud of you, and I am so glad to have you as my sister. May God bless you in the year and years ahead. Time goes so quickly; it doesn't seem that long ago you were a precocious two year-old who was the cutest little person around.

Movies Worth Re-viewing

Unlike my father, who never wants to see a movie a second time, I love rewatching movies and I have viewed some movies over twenty-five times. Here's a list of movies I've viewed over and over again, with a rationale for why it is worth rewatching.

* The Princess Bride * The amount of quotable lines in this movie defies description and are suitable for many occasions, including weddings: "Marwiage, Marwiage is what brwings us together today...", graduation parties: "Truly you have a dizzying intellect..." wedding rehearsal parties: "that drweam within a drweam.", and any occasion you want to quote movies inanely: "Hello my name is Inego Montega you killed my father, prepare to die." The mix of comedy, action, romance, and revenge plots is delightful, and who can resist Fred Savage?

* Ever After * Okay, perhaps this movie can be watched too many times; when you start to be able to watch the movie scene by scene in your head, there is your first clue. But the retelling of Cinderella still has the power to touch and inspire even after you finished your fifth or your fifteenth viewing.

* Two Weeks Notice * This is a movie I usually view with my two youngest sisters and Sandra Bullock makes this romantic comedy a reviewing pleasure, and Hugh Grant brings something to the table as well.

* Shanghai Noon * This is my favourite Jackie Chan movie and also my favourite Owen Wilson movie. East Meets West and outlaws rescue a princess as many fall to the Shanghai Kid's unique fighting skills.

* Miss Congeniality * From its memorable lesson in self defense as a woman, to the climatic pandemonium at the Miss United States pageant ending in an exploding tiera, continuously narrated by the show-must-go-on host played by William Shatner, to the transformation of FBI's Gracy Hart to pageant runner-up Mary Lou Freebush, played exquisitely by Sandra Bullock, to the plug for world peace, Miss Congeniality is watch-again comedic gold.

* The Proposal * I would have watched this movie many more times, but I lent to it to my sister after only the seventh viewing. I love Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds together and I love the plot, the comedy, and the final scene.

* Benny and Joon * This movie is funny, touching, and slightly offbeat. I still want to try making grilled cheese with a clothes iron.

* Pride and Prejudice * the 1995 miniseries. The times I have viewed this is probably over a dozen, but each time I am enthralled by the story, the performances, and the delightful combination of Colin Firth as Mr. Darcy.

* A Walk to Remember * I include this movie, not because I want to see it again; I've probably reached my saturation point; but because one summer I was obsessed with it and watched it every occasion from work heat days to times alone on a Friday night. It introduced me to Switchfoot one of my favourite bands, and I became a fan of Shane West and also decided Mandy Moore was convincing as Jamie Sullivan.

* Dead Poet's Society * This is one of the few Robin Williams movies I actually like, aside from Mrs. Doubtfire. It always makes me cry before the final scene and at the final scene, and inspires me to suck the marrow out of life.

Well, I could go on about equally re-watchable movies such as Fried Green Tomatoes, The Shawshank Redemption, and The Notebook, but I must end this post as it is past my bedtime.

Wind-blown and Wondering

The leaf, blown and tossed by the wind, torn from the branch, and whirling down the alleyway... My life's momentum, carrying me where I fear to go, and in a direction I question as if my future is somewhere inscribed in tea leaves or on my palm, written on some golden tablets on a sacred mountain I have yet to climb.

David said that all his days were written in God's book before any of them came to be, and elsewhere in the Bible it says God has determined the times set for nations and the exact places where they would live, but where does that leave human sin, peoples' faltering attempts to discern where they should go, humans' ill-advised leaps into the unknown places where perhaps they ought not to have gone?

Is it enough to say that everywhere you go, God will be there? That everything you are called to do, you will be equipped to perform? Is God's Spirit guiding you and hedging you in, and, much like Balaam's donkey, is He ready to articulate a warning if you are heading into danger? Does everything in your life have a purpose, everything fitting together like some intricate puzzle, everything woven into a tapestry of which you can only see the tangled underside?

Can I trust that I am not headed down some rabbit-trail, down some dead-end alley where I will encounter all my old enemies once again? Am I mistrusting myself and my discernment or am I really displaying a lack of faith in God and his promises? That he and I can't face anything together and ultimately triumph?

Stress and Me

Stress and I are like oil and water, we don't mix well. I like to know what is going to happen ahead of time so I psych myself up for it and make contingency plans for possible things that may go wrong.

Worry and I are old companions who spend a lot of time together. My anxiety barometer quickly rises in response to a perceived threat and my nerves get on the edge, prompting my civility and reasonableness to take a corresponding plunge.

I don't like being a worry-wart. I don't like what pressure does to my sense of peace and my centeredness. I don't like my sense of courtesy going out the window. I don't like being busy all the time, revved high, and I hate not spending any quality time with God throughout the week.

I think I have to readjust my priorities. I naturally put school first, but maybe I should write some other things in stone on my schedule. Like pick a time in the day to spend with God, pick half an hour to get some brisk walking in during my busy day, and find some kind of social outlet. Right now I have next to nothing, because my old friends are busy with motherhood. Thankfully I have a study buddy at school, but most of what we do is school related. Now that I don't have Facebook I can't maintain the illusion of being connected to my friends' lives, despite never seeing them.

Another thing is, it would be good to help out more around the family home. Like make dinner at least once a week and do a couple of loads of laundry or some cleaning. If it weren't for my mother cooking every day and cleaning my clothes, I would be a lot busier and also less nourished and less tidy-looking. But I should be doing more to help out than I do.

I can't understand the people who fit an amazing amount of accomplishments in one 24 hour day and are also well-rested. I don't understand how my class-mates can fit in caring for their kids and maintaining their homes on top of their courseload, which is higher than mine right now. I don't comprehend those people who thrive on busyness and love being out every night of the week.

As for me, I am happy to stay home on the weekends and watch a movie or read a good book or do some baking or crocheting... that is relaxing and some movies and books can even be cathartic. Yeah I do lead quite the charmed single life! But then a relationship would just be another stresser, even if it was the good kind of stress!

Why God Loves Me

God doesn't love me because I am better than some other people.
God doesn't love me for what I've done for him, or for what I will do.
God doesn't love me for the purity of my heart, though he wants to make it pure.
God doesn't love me for the beauty of my spirit, though he desires to beautify it.
God doesn't love me because of all my knowledge about him.
God doesn't love me for my excellent theological sensibilities.
God doesn't love me because I know all the catch phrases a Christian can use.
God doesn't love me because I can recite certain passages of Scripture from memory.
God doesn't love me because I attempt to love other people in my life.
God doesn't love me because I can write something pretty about the Christian walk.
God doesn't love me for my humility, whether true or false.
God doesn't love me because I can sing about being fully devoted to him.

God loves me and, long before I was conceived, God planned to redeem me.
God loves me and His Son died for me, paid for all of my sin, and healed me of all my diseases.
God loves me and, when he looks at me, he sees me through Jesus and his righteousness, and he sees someone who is purified and cleansed and made holy.
God loves me, and he has made me a new creation, restoring the image that was distorted. He loves me and he has made me alive in Christ. The same power that raised Jesus from the dead is now at work in me.
God loves me undeservedly, through no merit of my own, and he gives me favour and grace so that I can approach him with freedom and confidence.

Why does the Creator of the Universe and the Almighty God, who called worlds into being, lavish this gracious love on me?
My Creator, who fashioned my inmost parts, loves me because I am his child. My Redeemer, who calls me by name, wants me to remain in his love and bear much fruit. My Comforter, who lives within me, wants to guide me into the way of truth.

Am I ready to accept this love and have it fill me up to overflowing?

Of Studies and Self-Seeking

Now, after the crisis and the denouement, I find it easy to revert back to old habits and the old ways of living. I find it easy to focus on getting my tasks done as a student and, if there is time left over, I have many other things I may spend time doing other than speaking with God and seeking him. I come to the end of the day and realize we haven't really been communing throughout the day and I haven't even begun the day with an awareness of my time as a gift from God. I finish the day with a short reading from Scripture and minimalist prayer in which I fall asleep mid-thought.

I guess if you don't schedule some one on one time with God, you will always find something more urgent or more exciting to do. And you will lose your hunger and thirst for something extraordinary and become content again with a routine that pushes God to the margins of your day, instead of being in the center.

You will feel you don't really need him in the day to day moments of your life, as you feel increasingly confident in your own ability to master the challenges you face on your own steam. Eventually you may forget the thrill of finding God and having him meet your deep need for wholeness and healing, as you sink into the sea of self-obsession from whence you have already been rescued a number of times.

But now that I see myself as a potential drowning victim, I am sure I don't have to continue in this pattern or fall back to this trajectory. God has promised not to let me go, even if I am losing sight of him. I remain committed to following after him, and I will continue to inch forward, despite falling back in the opposite direction. I don't need to become like those self-flagellants, mired in guilt and shame, and I can know that God is celebrating every step I take toward his purposes, and that his love for me is deeper than the deepest ocean and it is more than enough to rescue me from myself, my sin, and my shame.

Ancient Willow with Gracefully Aging Parents

But the godly will flourish like palm trees
and grow strong like the cedars of Lebanon
For they are transplanted to the LORD's own
house.
They flourish in the courts of our God.
Even in old age they will still produce fruit;
they will remain vital and green.
They will declare, "The LORD is just!
He is my rock!
There is no evil in him!"

Psalm 92:12-15, New Living Translation

This morning we were blessed with another great service that began with this psalm of David and proceeded into praise, and continued with a message about this season and how we are to bear fruit and reach out to bless others, even as we receive into ourselves the sustenance from the flow within us, while we remain in the vine and in God's love. Without Christ we can do nothing! But with him we can do all things!

I took this photo this Labour Day near Confederation Park with my new camera, the first digital one I have had. I love willow trees and this is a particularly fine one.