Thankful

On a day when tears are so near the surface, the bitter-sweet ending of a book can provoke me to sobs, when I walked out of the song service, because I just couldn't sing that song one more time, when I told a friend I felt sad and tried to explain why, I have come to a realisation that, despite my current emotional volatility and the circumstances in my life I wish were different, I have much to be thankful for. For one thing that I have a friend who cares enough to ask me how I am doing, who listens and prays with me and tells me to smile.

I am so grateful for the parents I have, who love and support me. They helped me while I went back to school for nursing, and my Mom remains confident that I will eventually find my niche, despite some setbacks. I am thankful for my siblings, my four amazing sisters and one wonderful brother. I appreciate my church family and my pastor, who seem to be constantly giving and giving. So many prayers and so much love and support, even to the point of being willing for me to work on their feet so I can meet the requirements of my foot care nursing course.

 In the process of writing this post, I remembered to call a good friend who I was concerned about. After hearing about her current situation, I was able to put my life in perspective. I might have challenges, but I have so many blessings as well. There are people with much more difficult circumstances, people facing things like cancer treatments or the end of a marriage or the loss of a loved one. Today I needed an attitude adjustment and maybe a good cry.

Three courses in 33 days: A Nurse's Education is Never Done

So it has been a couple of months since I have been working fulltime. I had been working with the same client five days a week for ten months, but it was decided that a male nurse was required as this is the client's preference and best meets his needs. To tell you the truth, the client has a distinct aversion to females and only had a female nurse because a male nurse was not available. Since I finished working with that client, I have yet to get a regular client and only work occasionally. I am still a novice nurse because I don't have a wide variety of experience to draw on. This lack of experience means I am not able to confidently nurse all clients or perform all the needed nursing skills with all clients.

So I am going to remedy this lack of experience by getting more training. This week I have taken a wound care course and also had some training in palliative care and some of the skills needed through my home care agency. In July my work has signed me up for a tracheotomy course and a ventilator course which are all day courses which require hundreds of pages of reading to prepare. I am also studying about palliative care with some online and written resources. But my main objective is a foot care course I have enrolled in that is on Saturdays for five weeks. I am hoping to work as a foot care nurse once I have completed the in class component with its labs and the twenty assignments I must complete in the four weeks following the in class part. I may also work part-time in the area of palliative care shift nursing, starting with whatever assignments I am given in July and building on my training.

I don't know if all this training will be too overwhelming, but I hope I can balance school, work, and home life and learn the material and skills well. Right now I feel quite apprehensive. Tomorrow is my first foot care class session. I have to drive to Brampton in my new (to me) car which is yet unnamed. Cornelius is in the shop to fulfill the conditions for his eventual sale which will happen next week hopefully. I better start preparing for bed and finish some last minute preparations for tomorrow.

I guess this is goodbye?

Our relationship began in 2005. At first I thought him rather a throwback and somewhat boring. He lacked colour and life. Then things got interesting when he turned out to be not as reliable as I had expected and he failed at a critical juncture and ruined my future sister-in-law's bridal shower. It was an expensive problem which I had to fix.

I must admit I treated him rather shabbily. I never did the things for him that made him feel special and appreciated. I was careless and sloppy. But I came to rely on him and developed a tender regard for his imperfections.

Now eight years later we have reached the moment where we have to part. I know he suspects something by my uncharacteristic behaviour. It is hard to tell him there is someone else.

Cornelius I love you and I will miss you. No car could ever replace you in my heart.

A Blog Retrospective: The Missing Person

Why is it that your nocturnal revelations are never as profound in the clear light of day as when you have them in the wee hours of the morning? I spent Sunday evening reading through every single blog post of Consider the Lilies. I decided to do it on a whim, with the idea it might give me some insight into my life. It was after 1 am before I was done reading my very first post. By that time my brain was swirling with insightful ideas, and I awakened at 6 am with my mind full of thoughts that would allow no further sleep.

Most of the insights I can't recover with the same clarity or urgency or sense. I have a vague impression that I have changed quite a bit from my earlier blog persona. I don't think I am really the same person who wrote those earnest reflections or who thanked God in the midst of a health crisis. It reminded me of a Michael W. Smith song "Missing Person" in which he sings "there was a boy who had a faith that could move a mountain and like a child he would believe without a reason. Without a trace he disappeared into the void and I have been searching for that missing person." That version of myself is gone.

I was also reading the comments on each post, which used to be more numerous. There were some people who used to comment who I don't even know if they still follow my blog. From my stats for my new posts I don't think they do. The wise and mysterious R; the classmate who shared his spiritual journey and offered help; the young poet from another country who randomly visited my blog.

Some of top posts for pageviews on my blog are rather curious. A popular post is my favourite Bible passages one. Another is the poem I wrote for my sister's birthday. Then there is my post on "dandle and dale" in which I wrote a vignette and a poem on two random words, and my post on eighties fashions and toys. I guess the relative popularity of those posts is somewhat understandable for various reasons. But why a post entitled "My Abrasive Personality" or "The 101st post" would continue to get pageviews I can't really explain. The post that was most viewed was deleted. It was about the town hall meeting that W5 held about the former Dominion Christian Centre, now One Community Church. My sister, who attended the DCC and still attends OCC, was then estranged from the family and I wrote about my impressions and feelings in a post called "Truth and Lies."

In the end, I would have a hard time deleting this blog as I have sometimes considered doing. It is a record of my life and a journal of my impressions and thoughts whether inane or profound. Some of the writing stands the test of time. And while some of my posts are intensely personal and I wonder about having them posted in a public forum anyone could potentially read, I still could not delete this blog for that reason.

Yeah I have changed over the years, for better or for worse. But I still think it is important to "consider the lilies" and I need to be reminded not to worry about my life, but to "seek first" the kingdom of God now more than ever.

Grief

Sometimes news hangs more heavily on you than other times. Like when I heard that a former kindergarten classmate had been killed by lightning while on a family camping trip. I hadn't seen him in years, but it was sad to me that he would never go to university, have a family, or fulfill more of his amazing potential. Why did it have to happen? Why was a life cut short?

That's how I felt on Tuesday when I heard the news that Tim Bosma's charred remains had been found. A sinking feeling of hope dashed. I didn't really know him. He was a grade school classmate, but he went to another high school and I hadn't heard he had gotten engaged, or married, or that he had a daughter or anything about his life since grade school. When I saw his name in the news after he went missing, at first his name didn't even register as someone I knew. I followed the story, I watched the media briefings, I posted the missing poster on my Facebook wall, I prayed he would be returned to his family. I believed that God could perform a miracle, but then on Tuesday morning I heard the worst. I didn't cry, but my heart cried out that it was senseless and that it was wrong. Why was a man stolen from his family? Why would his wife never see his face again, his daughter grow up without him?

Today the tears came while I watched a tribute to Tim. No I didn't know him, I didn't know the person he had become, but my heart grieved... I listened to CBC radio and heard his wife's emotional words as I was driving to meet a friend and tears again blurred my vision. I couldn't imagine the grief his wife, family, and friends were feeling. I don't know what it is like to lose a husband, a father, or a son, let alone in such a tragic manner. I have never had a comparable worst day of my life, a day that will change all the days to follow so irrevocably.

I can only pray that the God of all comfort will comfort them, that he will carry them through, and that somehow good will come out of unspeakable evil. I know it will be a difficult road ahead for a long time, and the wound will always be there. I know it is nothing that platitudes can soothe and I don't know why it had to happen. I can pray they can come to a place of forgiveness and I can pray for justice for Tim. I can pray they will be able to fully grieve this loss, this essential part of them that is gone. I can thank God that their faith is strong, that they have a supportive community surrounding them. Still the questions remain.

Years after the death of my classmate who had been struck by lightning, I stood in a ski chalet built in his memory and read about his short but brilliant life. I smiled as my mom snapped a picture. And I remembered.

Memories

In my memory they live there still in the century old yellow-sided house bordered by well-tended flower beds nestled beside the rail road tracks. I remember the narrow winding green carpeted stair that creaked a complaint when you walked over the uneven steps, the cramped upstairs bedrooms with sloped ceilings, the dark-panelled living room with black moulded wood stove, long tan couch, and Grandpa and Grandma's particular chairs. There is a sliding door that leads out onto the deck and beside it is a shelf of treasured books.

Grandpa must be watering the plants in his greenhouse, and I suppose Grandma is in the kitchen preparing the noon meal. Or perhaps it is Sunday and a pot of Grandpa's famous soup simmers on the stove and Grandpa is reading a novel while Grandma relaxes with a copy of Woman's World.

I still feel we could visit them some Sunday afternoon after church. That we could eat a meal of Grandma's hamburger noodlebake with manderin orange salad and that I could sit on the couch beside my sisters and suck on a Werther's Original candy while reading about how "The Good Old Days They Were Terrible" or how "Kids Still Say the Darnedest things" listening to the conversation.

Nevermind that the old house now has other occupants and that Grandpa and Grandma had moved somewhere less memorable for their final years. I am no longer the child who delighted in a March break spent with my grandparents or who would ask for one more Werther's Original.  Nevermind that Grandpa and Grandma themselves are no longer living, Grandma having succumbed to a cancer and Grandpa following soon afterwards after caring for her so tenderly.

Because in my memory they live on in an old house surrounded by gardens just outside of the settlement of Corinth.

When Hope Springs New

I ripped my blog post title from a Janette Oke book I read back in my tweens when I was known to devour any Christian historical romance with avid enjoyment. This post doesn't have anything to do with that book which I only vaguely recall.

When Hope Springs New is my theme because I want to write something hopeful about the renewal of life that is often associated with springtime. Basically I want to write something hopeful and inspiring to myself who composes a large portion of my rather small readership of those who follow this blog. Winter can be a bleak season for me, notwithstanding Christmas and New Years resolutions. And while I am of course delighted to have a job, first of all, and to be working as a nurse, secondly, my particular job is not without its frustrations. And then there is my need for a new living arrangement, my lack of romantic prospects, and my spiritual spinning of wheels which has been much canvassed over my years of intermittent blog posting.

Yes this was the winter of our discontent, but lo it is the time when hope springs new and the tree bud and blossom and the brooks bubble and the flowers open their petals in a beautiful display of colour and life. For it is a new day and who says you can't start to become the person who you wished you were. Who says change isn't possible or that new attitudes can't begin to transform you and your life from the inside out.

Witness the personal transformation written of so convincingly in One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. Why if I actually applied even some of her ideas to my life, my life would be unrecognizable within the next year. Not to mention, if I were to apply what I know in my head of the Scriptures to my life, my heart would be made new. The problem is not with the lack of sources of inspiration or the lack of power of all that spring symbolizes to transform and renew life. No the problem is with motivation and perseverance, with ambition and drive.

What will it take to turn a bleak hopeless winter into a vibrant hope-filled spring? What will it take for me to be filled with hope and then to put the effort into achieving the hopeful vision for my life? Part of it has to do with the possession of an unswerving faith that God has a good plan for my life and that he will work in me what I am working out. This infusion of faith is difficult enough, but I also need something far more basic: the desire to change and grow and blossom into the person God has called me to be. Sometimes a prayer has to start with Lord I want to desire to change and follow your ways, help me to desire it and to have the strength to begin to do it.

Update on my January 22 resolution

I am a day late with this update, but I am happy to report I have been exercising regularly for the past two weeks. I have been going on the treadmill for 30 minutes or going for a brisk walk outdoors. On the treadmill I have even tried running for up to 600 metres at a time. I have only skipped exercising four times over the two week period. However, I have not kept a food journal and, although I have cut down on my sweets and snacking, the reform in my eating habits has not been total. I have lost approximately five pounds and I will continue my regular exercise habit which I rather enjoy.

New Years Resolutions

My coworker has kept his New Years resolution for the past several years. Several years ago he vowed never again to make another New Years resolution! Not a year goes by that I don't make at least one New Years Resolution. This year it was to exercise regularly by walking daily at least a half hour, to snack on less junk, to skip desserts, and in the end to lose at least thirty pounds of excess weight and several inches around my midsection. Also I was going to be more social and get out more.

So far this year I have gone cross country skiing once and out for a walk four times out of twenty two days. Some days there is too much snow and I don't have suitable boots. Some days it is too cold like today. Some days I can't use the treadmill because my sister is in her room or because I will wait until she is back in school or until she is done exams. I can't go out because I might meet a lion in the streets and be killed. I am just kidding about that last excuse, that excuse is from Proverbs talking about the ridiculous excuses a lazy person will make.

I haven't exactly been excelling at the less snacking either, and it shows because I haven't lost any significant weight. By liberal estimates I may have lost 2 pounds, but possibly not.

As far as being more social, I have skipped three Bible studies and gotten together with zero friends so far this year, unless you count the church social I attended.  I have had time however to read seven books and watch ten Due South episodes.

So my New Years Resolution is a failure so far, but perhaps I can make a January 22 Resolution. I do here-by resolve to stop making excuses and go for a walk at least five times a week for the next two weeks and to severely limit unhealthy snacking by keeping a food journal for the next two weeks! Then by February 5th I do here-by commit to reporting on my compliance with these resolutions and the resulting weight loss or gain.

My coworker's point is that you should make necessary changes in your life, but not because it is a New Years Eve. You should do it because it the healthy and wise thing for you to do and you don't have to wait for a new year. He has successfully quit two bad habits and started more than one healthy habit, so he should know.

Getting a life

There is an apt saying all men die, but not all men have truly lived. Sometimes I wonder if I am living a full life as defined by this world's standards, let alone if I am living a full life as defined by Christ. By the first measure, I am sadly lacking in independence, wealth, success, and coupledom. I am single, live with my parents and younger sister, over thirty, own an ancient car and may never own my own home. Although I have dabbled in the dating world, I haven't had a significant relationship or someone I would call my boyfriend ever. I am not sure if I will ever have a child. True, I am educated, am working as a professional in my chosen field, and I would be considered wealthy in the eyes of a significant portion of the world to whom owning a second pair of shoes is a sign of affluence. But definitely I come up lacking by Western standards.

Nevertheless I am a long way from where I have been, and from where I might still be. And I have learned some things from my journeys through the darkness of depression and the living hell of psychosis. I have grown in some ways and I have learned some wisdom. In my darkest times I have found God and found him to be faithful. It is in other times that I lose connection and muddle through life with and without God.

What about life to the full spoken of by Jesus in John 15? This life is not measured by the same standards. Wealth is not important, nor is worldly success, or marital status. Still living with your parents at the age some of your peers are celebrating ten years of marriage is less important than being lacking in love for others. It is important to be connected to Christ as your source of sustenance and life and to bear fruit fruit through the process of discipleship and growth, acts of service and life in the Spirit. Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, and self-control should be in evidence. So by this measure I am also lacking. 

But writing this has helped me see that however lacking my life may seem by any measure, there is an abundance of blessings in my life already. And however lacking in faith I may be, God remains faithful. So maybe in this new year I can get a life that overflows with gratitude and with grace. Maybe I can realize what is truly important and be grateful for the blessing of being alive to face another day, overtaken by the goodness and mercy of God.

Putting God on hold

This weekend some one told me I had three choices, I could walk away from God and what I profess to believe, I could do nothing while waiting for lightning to strike, or I could choose to pursue God and his purposes for my life and become the person I was created to be in relationship with God. I realized that I had basically put God on hold, only calling on him when I needed help with an urgent situation. Not only does my life fail to line up with what I claim are my beliefs, I also don't see myself the way he sees me. He sees me as beautiful, worthy, accepted, and I see myself as full of ugliness, not worth the price he paid for me, and not acceptable to God. 

I need to see Jesus and his eyes full of love. I need to see myself through his eyes. I need an encounter with the living God. I need a transformation, a renewal, and major renovation from the inside out.

The words of a familiar song should become my habitual prayer, "Oh Lord, you're beautiful. Your face is all I seek. For when your eyes are on this child, your grace abounds to me." 

I can no longer afford to put God on hold and live life in my own comfortable rut, making my daily choices selfishly and foolishly. If what the Bible says about God and myself is true, then some things have to change, starting with my heart and my way of seeing, and continuing into all areas of my life and all parts of myself. What will following Christ entail and what will it cost? 

Looking for that Special Someone...

...who will illuminate the darkest of nights, enliven the best parts of me with his joie de vivre, be the ocean to my shoreline and reshape contours of my life possibilities, inspire me to the heights of literary poetry and prose, and stir the deepest fibers of my nature. This person need not have the physique of a Greek god, but this would not be viewed as a drawback. He must be a friend, kindred spirit, and fellow pilgrim on the road leading to spiritual fulfillment and everlasting bliss. 

Well, no I am not exactly serious. But I have been trying a couple online dating sites. A couple of years ago I was a member of Christian Cafe and I even met some people in person, but I eventually cancelled my membership. I have gotten emails from the Cafe periodically inviting me back for 10 days of a free trial. I finally accepted about ten days ago. I found it a little harder to articulate what I was looking for in a relationship and what my shining qualities were than it was two years ago. A few days ago I created a profile on eHarmony late one Friday night (no I hadn't been drinking). After their intensive personality questionnaire which I thought I was honestly answering it emerged that I am actually an extrovert! No one who knows me would ever mistake me for one but there it was! Since then I have gotten daily free matches, but I can't really contact any of them, aside from free "icebreakers", until I commit to a membership. Anyways my profile is not exactly inspiring so only two people have attempted to contact me.

Reading over my opening description there really is only one man who could fulfill most of the requirements and he is divine (though not a Greek god) and definitely in my life to stay. To clarify I am speaking of Jesus. Maybe I should get to know and love him a little better, as well as myself.... Maybe I will find my life and possibilities a little more inspiring then. Just a thought.

Pondering One Thousand Gifts

I recently received a copy of "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp. It was an "unbirthday gift" which I got by redeeming one of my 52 coupons that I got as a birthday gift from my parents. So far I have redeemed three coupons and got a poem written for me, a mug of hot chocolate prepared for me, and the unbirthday gift. In the future I will attend a concert, get to be a princess for a day, go out for lunch, and pick out an item at the mall... just to name a few of the more lucrative of my coupons.

"One Thousand Gifts" is an amazing book which was recommended to me by my sister who gave me a gift book with excerpts from it. What is amazing about it is not merely how well-crafted the writing is, but how full of insight and wisdom it is. I am only on the third chapter and so far it has made me cry, think, and wonder if just maybe I will internalize its truths and change the way I think. A central insight in the book is how gratitude for God's gifts, however small they are, transforms your life and how naming each gift is a way of giving thanks and discovering God's love and grace anew. It brings true joy as you practice gratitude.

What I like about the book is that it poignantly portrays hard circumstances including terrible tragedies and the author's depression that caused her to wake up every day wanting to die, but it also points the way to hope and joy in the midst of these difficult times. It makes me wonder if ingratitude could be the root that is poisoning my life and if something as simple of naming blessings could transform me. This book makes me hope as no book since "The Purpose Driven Life" has made me hope that change is possible. I hope as I continue to read the book its insights won't just be interesting ideas, but that I will go on to apply them to my life. If I do I think I will never be the same.

Another Year Older

Yesterday I celebrated another birthday, a day later than the actual date. I am now well into my thirties, a fact that still astonishes me. I certainly don't feel mature enough for such a well-advanced age. Never-the-less I am continually getting older and adding to my library of life experiences. I am now a professional in the health care field with a full-time job as a Registered Practical Nurse. Just the other week I drank my first full bottle of beer. This milestone occurred while playing my 111th game of Settlers of Catan. I mention it only as an example of my branching out in new directions. Believe me, it is only one of many possible examples. I am growing as a person and growing larger not only in character but also in girth (my nephew and niece asked me if I am expecting: I am not, though I certainly look the part.)

My younger sisters and I in the new kitchen which is nearing completion.

August has been a good month. I relished a week's vacation with my family at a remote cottage and spending time with my sister, nephews, and nieces during their two week visit to Ontario. I enjoyed my father's 60th birthday celebration with extended family, other than the trip to the emergency department after my nephew cut open his forehead above his eye. My own birthday libations were also fun with scrumptious food, generous presents, and a competitive game of Balderdash which I didn't win. My family actually found a chocolate game of Scrabble... this is the epitome of board games, in my view, and I hope I get to eat the chocolate trophy after wiping out the competition.

In the years to come, I hope I live fully, love deeply, and develop in many new directions. I hope I walk in all the plans and purposes of God for my life. 

My sister taking a break from dishes after a birthday meal,

Another August Already?

Last August found me finishing up my last couple weeks of pregrad and planning a couple of weeks holidays before embarking on a job search. I find it hard to believe almost a year has passed since I finished school. Since then I have worked for several months as a personal support worker, taken and passed my exam, become a registered practical nurse, and started work as a RPN.

As this August begins I am getting into the swing of things with my latest home care position, looking forward to a week with my whole family at a cottage mid month, and to celebrating my Dad's 60th and my own birthday as the month draws to a close. 

It may be a cliche, but it is definitely true that the longer you live the faster time seems to go. As I reflect on my progress towards my admittedly vaguely defined life goals, I wonder at how I spend the resource of time. Have I invested it into things that really matter? I also wonder what life will look like in five or ten years and what I will have to change so I will be able to look back on a life well lived. And yes, I wonder too if I will ever marry or have children, since there are limited years in which having children will be possible.

I want to spend more time and energy on building relationships and friendships, on serving others, on growing closer to God, on following where the Spirit leads. I want to be able to look back on this decade as one of fruitfulness, one of personal growth, one of seized opportunities and life-changing experiences. I hope this month I will be able to look back and look forward and consider my life's trajectory and what my goals and mission should be for the next year and years. Life is short, but how you spend it can last forever. 

End of August last year posing with Tungsten

Challenges and Choices

Starting a new phase of life has never been easy for me. The transition from nursing student to nurse has been tough. Instead of feeling confident and sanguine, I have felt a disabling anxiety. Tomorrow I am starting work with a new home-care client and I know it won't be easy for me to adjust to the new responsibilities, routines, and the unique behavioral issues of my client. It also will be tough for my client to adjust to a new care-giver.

I am hoping that this opportunity will work out, but I am anxious that it might not. I have prayed that tomorrow I will be able to do my best and that my client will have a good day. Still, the anxiety remains. Trusting that whatever happens, God will be with me and will help me do all things through his strength is hard to do. But I have to make a choice not to worry, and instead to trust.

There are many things I can't control, but I can make this decision. Whether this particular job works out or not, God does have a good plan for my life. He is reliable and his promises are sure. I pray he will guide me in this new part of my life.

Suzanne: Writer of Purple Prose

When I was much younger I used to write stories on the computer. I wrote one about the daughter of a missionary who got kidnapped. I wrote another about a princess who was threatened with a marriage proposal from an evil prince and is offered help in this dilemma by a prince-in-disguise. I started a reworking of the story of Rapunzel, and plotted out  a romantic story about a princess who was promised in marriage to a egotistical newly-crowned King but falls for his younger twin brother who actually turns out to have been born first. Yeah I was big on melodrama.

I had big plans to write a sprawling story told from the perspective of Cinderella's stepsister telling what really happened, namely that Cinderella was a spoiled brat who maligned her step-sisters and step-mother. I was about ten pages into this tale, full of flowery prose, and romantic descriptions when I discovered that my brother had a written an ending for it in which a secondary character, the love interest of one of the stepsisters came to call and, in a state of rage and insanity, shoots every member and creature  in the household with his blunderbuss and then turns on himself, killing all except for "the stupid cricket that kept" the narrator "awake at night." It ended "Oh well, I'm dead anyways." After this assassination of all of my well-realized characters, I stopped writing the story. I think it was because I realized it was ripe for ridicule A couple of years later I showed it to my younger sister who wrote a satirical addition that was side-splittingly funny, mainly because it spoofed the most flowery and romantic and idiosyncratic lines in my story.  In my senior year of highschool I wrote a short tale for a short story assignment that was narrated by Cinderella's stepsister and focused on the royal ball and its aftermath. It was basically how I planned my original story to end. 

Last week my mom challenged me to start writing something fictional again. I had a lot of free time and most of my family was away. I decided I wanted to finish my story about Cinderella as originally envisioned. So I rewrote and added to my previous writing and tacked on the ending I had already written from my school assignment. Although I enjoyed the process, I can't say I am particularly proud of the end result. After my mom had read the story, which she pronounced "cute," I showed her my first draft of the story with John and Rachel's endings. She laughed so hard she started crying, and stated that I should have left it with Rachel's ending. I am inclined to agree. 

I wonder what a mature well-crafted story from me would look like?

The Dying Art of Gratitude

I must admit I have tendencies to pessimism and have been known for embellishments that make my hard-luck stories sound even worse. And at a time when a door of opportunity has just been unceremoniously slammed in my face, I could easily make a list of things I am worried or concerned about. However I have instead challenged myself to create a list of things I am thankful for, detailing at least thirty things:

 

I am thankful:

1. to be a citizen of Canada where I have freedom and many opportunities as well as a comfortable standard of living

2.  for my parents who have supported me through two post-secondary degrees and through times of illness and depression

3.  for my sisters and brother who are all amazing people and add joy to my life

4. for my excellent liberal arts education and subsequent nursing diploma

5. for the joy that chocolate brings to my life

6. for the beauty of the natural world

7. for friendships both those that have endured and ones that are in the past

8. for wonderful books that have transported me to fictional worlds and enlarged my horizons

9. for the incredible patience of God and his mercy

10. for the ability to dream and envision the future

11. for romantic comedies even if I am the only one who really enjoys them in my family

12. for my friend Michelle who is God's gift to me

13. for opportunities to work in health care and the possibility of  finding my niche

14. for physical health and strength, even if I am unable to do a chin-up or run a mile

15. for improved mental health

16. for my church family and pastor 

17. for my Dutch-Canadian heritage 

18. for the opportunity to know all of my grandparents and the ninety years my Oma has lived

19. for the enjoyment that writing brings me

20. for my academic ability and achievements

21. for the joy of baking and eating my decadent creations

22. for second chances and new opportunities

23. for times of laughter and hilarity

24. for the gift that God gave to the world in sending his Son and the eternal life he brings

25. for my nephews and niece who I will get to see again this summer

26. for the gift of singleness

27. for the journey through darkness that has shaped me a person and made me aware of the light

28. for the joys of being a woman including the capacity to nurture new life

29. for my car which is still drivable and only a little dented

30. for over thirty years of life

A Lady of Leisure

The last two weeks or so have not involved a lot of work. The shift nursing job that was supposed to give me thirty plus hours a week ended up fizzling out into nothing after one shift due to a client's hospitalization. I requested other assignments, but for over a week I had zero shifts and no work from my second job either. So I became a woman with a lot of extra time on her hands. I'd like to say I packed it with meaningful activities and purposeful living, but the reality is I did a smattering of cooking and baking and housework, enjoyed some time reading and watching tv, got a little bit of exercise, and got a lot of extra sleep.

So would I enjoy having unlimited leisure time? Probably not. Sometimes to appreciate the time off, you have to put in a good day's work first to make it more enjoyable. Also not earning any money is problematic and my next pay day is going to be painful experience. 

I got hired for a third nursing position this week and today got asked to work with a new home care client two days a week, so I am hoping that I will soon be a relatively productive member of society. With three positions, all of which involve learning new things and adapting to new workplaces, I think my stress level will be quite high for the next couple of months. Still, if I can push through it, perhaps the next time I have a holiday, planned rather than unexpected, I will enjoy it to the full.

Embarking on a Nursing Career

Right now I am writing a blog post instead of composing a cover letter... Now that is the power of procrastination!

I have many excuses for the lack of productivity on my Wednesday evenings: I have put in a busy day as a PSW beginning at 9 am and ending at 5 pm. I am tired. I have all morning and most of the afternoon tomorrow to work on applications. I am entitled to an evening off now and then. Did I mention my state of utter exhaustion?

Yeah job searching is one of those activities that you need to force yourself to make time for. It is supposed to be a full-time job, but I already work about thirty-five hours a week, mornings, afternoons, and evenings and I know I don't invest nearly enough time into my search for my first nursing job. And then there is the advice that I really should be spending time networking and using contacts to find a job.

I guess I could already be working as a nurse in home care, if I accepted a position with the company I work for as a PSW. But I have my heart set on a position in long term care, and I would rather work as a part of a team than go to clients on my own and struggle with the huge learning curve of the novice nurse solo. I would have training and support I know, but my courage fails at the thought of so much independence and responsibility. But any nursing job will require a great deal of independence and responsibility, so maybe it is just more excuses for not taking a leap into the unknown.

Maybe I find nursing an attractive career in the abstract, but the concrete form of an actual nursing job is for me a little frightening. I need to find some confidence and go for it, like Julie Andrew's Maria did in The Sound of Music. I hope I can muster up some courage for my first job interview as a RPN on Monday and then I hope I can go boldly into the future as a registered practical nurse ready to work in the health care field and to make a positive difference in the lives of the people I encounter. Because I have confidence in me! And because I need to trust that God will direct my steps and lead me into the job I have been praying for and training for.