Benediction

Love is a many-splendoured thing, It makes poets and prophets of us all. It exalts. It thrills us to our finger-tips. But human love can be very blind. You may not know the other person as well as you believe. So then you are in love with an ideal, not a person of flesh and blood or someone with struggles, weaknesses and short-comings; a person as human as yourself.

The good thing about God's love is that it is never blinded by prejudice. He knows us more intimately than any lover would. He loves us more than the greatest Father in the world today. He sees our sin, but he forgives it and casts it into the sea of forgetfulness. He views us as righteous, not because we are righteous, but because he is looking at us through Jesus. The Holy Spirit convicts us of sin, but he absolutely never condemns.

If you feel weighed down with condemnation, that is not of God. God's love is so free, so full of grace. He loves you too much for you to stay in your sin, or to wallow in self-pity for wrongs done to you, but he does allow you to do so if that is your choice.  God bought your freedom for a high, high price. He also bought your healing from the wounds inflicted by life or by other people. 

Forgiveness starts with a simple choice, but it is a journey. You may deal with anger still; you may rehash events for a time. But continue to make the choice to forgive every day, even if the person continues to offend you on a daily or even hourly basis. Ask God to show you the good qualities in this person and you may be surprised to see the beauty in this fellow image-bearer of God. God created each person with a special beauty and unique giftings and talents. Some people bury them deep inside but they are there, beneath all the hurt, the wounds, and the lies.

The truth will set you free! It does not enslave you. Stop trying to please every one in your life, and live for an audience of one. Jesus will help you, the Holy Spirit will lead you, and the Father's blessing will rest upon you.

Now to him who is able to keep you from falling. And to present you faultless before the Presence with exceeding joy. To the Only Wise God, our Father, be glory and majesty and dominion and power both now and forever more! 

Friday Night Flicks- In Her Shoes

Any movie that Roger Ebert gives "Two Enthuisastic Thumbs Up!" and contains the comic talents of Cameron Diaz and Toni Collete, with Shirley Maclaine providing excellent support, is well worth a view. Not your typical mindless romantic comedy In Her Shoes explores what it is like to have a loved one who suffers from mental illness, and also dark themes such as suicide, family estrangement, sisterly rivalry, and betrayal and cheating.

This is definitely not a movie you want an impressionable ten year old viewing, but the ending alone is worth all the cringe-worthy scenes. My Mom watched it for the first time a couple weeks ago and she is certainly more squeamish than me as far as violence and sexual themes and she pronounced it a thoughtful, worthwhile film.

To avoid giving any significant spoilers, in case you actually want to enjoy this movie sometime, I will not give out the major plot points. However I will tell you the mental health theme is done with taste and is a truthful reflection of what happens in too many homes all around the world, when someone exuberant and full of life, declines anti-psychotic medication and treatment and decides to live on his or her own terms. The sound track is also quite lovely.

I normally have a hard time with movies depicting mental illness. I loved "A Beautiful Mind" and "Dead Poet's Society" and appreciated Robin William's performance in the little known film "Awakenings," but they really are so sad for me to watch. Any one who has to be repeatedly hospitalized for persistent mental illness is worthy of our sympathy and compassion, not judgement and censure.

The Perfect Roast

Sometimes you can only be grateful to God that he did not answer your fervent prayers. That he saw things more clearly than you ever could. That he knows you better than you even know yourself.

Every one fails at some point to discern what is best for their own life. They get caught be in the emotion of the moment, hear what they want to hear only, and fall into a pit they probably helped dig for themselves.

I am someone who has some degree of discernment and in the past it has served me well. However I was majorly duped and this falling into deception has been a humbling experience. The worst are the comforting lies you tell yourself: "No there isn't a speck in my eye. Not at all. I see perfectly clearly to tell you you are dead wrong!" Meanwhile you have a large plank in your own eye that every one really wants to address.

"In your anger do not sin." Some of my anger was perhaps understandable, if misdirected to the wrong people, my loved ones who suffered through this hot, hazy summer with me. Much of it might be explained by what was happening chemically or hormonally in my body, but it wasn't until I started to seriously practice some hard-core forgiveness that things started to turn around. Most of what I was angry about were things that people did trying to help me, but through a lack of communication with key players other than me, I ended up paying a heavy price with my health and well being. But really some of the anger kindled in me could only be described as white-hote rage that was so explosive it could denotate at any time.

This experience has birthed in me a desire to help others who fall through the cracks of our mental health system. But I also want to use my gift of writing somehow to better the world and to speak clearly about my faith and experiences. Thankfully I had been prepared well through the ministry of my church to go through such a test of faith and trust, and they continue to support me through the ongoing journey. Eventually I may end up doing some mission work.

Really I just need to tarry here until I have clear directions as to my next step. I can only take it one day at a time. I am thankful for my healing that is here and the healing still on its way. I am thankful for my pastor, my church family, my friends and loved ones. I have been blessed with wonderful family and friends. Some people have no one who really cares for them, but I have such a network of support. This summer the missionaries who came to visit our church really blessed me. Those who passed away this summer left behind beautiful legacy and I look forward to seeing them in heaven. They are part of that great cloud of witnesses cheering us on.

I think I am much like one of my future brother-in-law's marshmellows so well done as to almost be falling into the flames of a well-stoked fire. Snatched just in time to not be consumed by fire, but rather to be devoured by some one who rates it a 10 out of 10 for being just gooey enough on the inside and perfectly crispy on the outside. A perfect Mikey-mallow is a beautiful thing!

Summer Promise

Psalm 45
A Wedding Song of the Sons of Korah (The Message paraphrase by Eugene Peterson)

My heart bursts its banks
spilling beauty and goodness
I pour out in a poem to the king,
shaping the river into words:

"You're the handsomest of men;
every word from your lips is sheer grace,
and God has blessed you, blessed you so much.
Strap your sword to you side, warrior!
Accept praise! Accept due honor!
Ride majestically! Ride triumphantly!
Ride of the side of truth!
Ride for the righteous meek!

"Your instructions are glow-in-the-dark;
you shoot sharp arrows
Into enemy hearts: the king's
foes live down in the dust, beaten.

"Your throne is God's throne
ever and always:
The sceptre of your royal rule
measures right living.
You love the right
and hate the wrong.
And that is why God, your very own God,
poured fragrant oil on your head,
Marking you as king
from among your dear companions.

Your ozone-drenched garments
are fragrant with mountain breeze.
Chamber music--- from the throne room---
makes you want to dance.
King's daughters are maids in your court,
the Bride glittering with golden jewelry.

Now listen daughter don't miss a word:
forget your country put your home behind you.
Be here---the king is wild for you.
Since he's your lord, adore him.
Wedding gifts pour in from Tyre:
rich guests shower you with presents."

(Her wedding dress is dazzling,
lined with gold by the weavers;
All her dresses and robes
are woven with gold.
She is led to the king,
followed by her virgin companions.
A procession of joy and laughter!
a grand entrance of the king's palace!)

Set your mind now on sons---
don't dote on father and grandfather.
You'll set your sons up as princes
all over the earth.
I will make you famous for generations;
you'll be the talk of the town
for a long, long time."



This was a passage given to me this spring by an urban monk I highly respect. I was so sure I knew what it meant then. It is actually a Messianic psalm quoted in the New Testament, applying to Jesus Christ. The meaning is I was meant to find the quill pen in my hand and write about my King. I took it to mean that I, like the bride of the king in this poem, would be getting married imminently, to the man I was just getting reacquainted with at the time this was prayed for me. She said I would burst into bloom and that it would be like that tea where the flower blooms in your cup as you sip it. I would have a garden of my own and it would be a place of blessing and renewal.

I know see I have grown closer to Jesus through all these trials and tribulations. I am part of the bride of Christ, glittering in her wedding gown and waiting expectantly for her groom to step forth.





Among the Lilies
by Suzanne den Boer



When I awakened in the garden.
I was shocked by your power and sheer exuberance
My lips dripped honey; your arms were oak trees
My own vineyard I had neglected.
I never thought I would hear Rachel weeping again
For the children that are no more
The lost ones, the ones ripped out of her womb
The ones never born, while Leah rejoiced



But Rachel was weeping, and I wept too
Where are the children of my dreams?
Those little towheaded rascals?
Those fairy princesses so ethereal
And fair, their curls a garland?
These children are only dreams
This man is a vision of something
I once wanted so badly.



I said good bye to this garden,
To the scholar whose portrait hangs here.
My dreams were mixed as if by a painter
My tapestry was torn in your hands
The weaving unravelling and the flowers
fading: These are the wounds I received
At the house of my friends.
I weep now for the scholar,
For my faded dreams and the
beautiful landscape we once knew.




If you tap commandingly at my window,
I would welcome you as a friend.
And we would sup together.
I love you and so I release you
Like a dove to fly away into the wide,
wide, world.... You must go,
And find your way into the embrace
Of your own calling and your own
dusty path.... bring your sandals,
Not your blue suede shoes.
Please tell me that is a sprig of green
underneath your feet!

Five Smooth Stones

It is remarkable how different serving God can look for different people. Some pack their day full, trying to balance many balls in the air, and always find more to do. Others are more deliberate and decide how their giftings might be best used in the context of their local church or in the hustle and bustle of their every day life.

Some people are blessed with an unflagging energy that pushes them ever outward. Others withdraw into themselves in order to strengthen themselves for their next big push. They are birthing something, and it is near time, but it is not the time to push. It is in this part of the labour that the pain is most intense.

When the child is born, the pain is forgotten in the wonder of the beautiful child. Mothers and Fathers find great joy in watching their children grow and develop.

Our Heavenly Father is the proudest Papa there is, when he sees his children working together with their big brother Jesus, and getting along with all the various off-shoots of his family. We are truly a diverse bunch. Before the cross, Jesus prayed his church might be one, as he and Father are one. The saddest thing for him, other than the dire state of our present world, must be that we argue constantly amongst ourselves.

Wake up church! The bride of Christ is nowhere near ready. Those foolish virgins will never get their lamps trimmed in time with enough oil. Jesus is standing at the door of our hearts and he is knocking. We need to invite him in to share a meal with us. We need to strengthen our brothers and sisters around our world and in our own neighbourhoods. These are the last of the last times and the time is getting short. If the slumbering church does not awaken and start to make the necessary preparations, judgement will fall first on the church. 

Jesus loves his bride, his church, and he wants us all to be ready. Personally I think there are a lot of the things I want to get done before the day of his return. I need to choose carefully where I put my energy and passion, so I can get stronger to do what God is calling me to do. 

The funny thing is Jesus doesn't seem to be waiting for me to get stronger to use me. For His strength is made perfect in weakness. In asking for help, I am able to also encourage others. Just in being real about where I truly am at, I am already working for him. Even small assignments, can have an enormous ripple effect like a stone skipped across the water. Remembering what five smooth stones in the hands of a mighty warrior once did.

Morning Mercies

Sometimes it is remarkable how much more clearly you can see things in the morning. Things that seemed oppressive during the night melt away like the mist at dawn. As believers we do not see the end from the beginning in any case. To us, it is like we are seeing our reflection off a shiny red sports car. We are distorted and we only see ourselves dimly in the presence of this beautiful car.

At times our possessions that we cling to, dim our awareness of our need for God. At other times it is worry choking out our growth. Or maybe in hardship, we simply fall away, due to the pain of the moment. When we do not allow all these things and all this pain to distract us, it is then that we bear much fruit. Jesus stated, "Apart from me you can do nothing."

If I really believed that, I won't go wandering off on some wild goose chase. I would stay in the place and with the people God originally called me. I would sink my roots in deep, remembering I can be transplanted later as God directs.

That is the key: As God directs. Let his will and not mine be done. Mary the mother of God once said to the angel Gabriel, "Let it be to me according to your Word." If only I could have such a moment of utter surrender to the purposes of God. Because he will bring it to pass, once he has spoken. I pray for that day to come soon.

Suzanne as a Hypocrite

In the Shakespearean Sense


I should probably apply for a job as a tragedarian. I would do very well over-inflating people's opinions and passing them on to other people. Think Othello or Romeo and Juliet. I would be the person who simply thinks they have no other option than to become a star-crossed lover.

Of course watching either play you just want to shake some sense into these overly dramatic people. If only Othello didn't allow his jealousy to spin out of control. If he recognized he was different than others, but in a good way, maybe he wouldn't have murdered Desdemona. Or if only Romeo had actually listened to the Friar's wisdom, or Juliet hadn't been so hasty to view all things as lost forever.

Young lovers tend to be dramatic I suppose. But as someone who has tried online dating with disasterous results before, I know my way around love, you would think. However I had never actually been deeply in love with any one. Folly seems to dog my footsteps like a faithful but overly persistent pet.

If I would listen to the voices of wisdom all around me, I certainly would have it in me to be more discerning and discriminating. It is in following poor advice, or my emotions instead of my heart, that I run into trouble. I tend to be overly nice to certain guys, which naturally challenges them to attempt to win my heart through kindness and/or sheer persistance. Some guys have a tough guy personna, but I have more power as a woman than I sometimes recognize. When you play with fire, expect to get singed by the flame.

Creating false expectations is not kind. Trying to match-make various friends is not kind to any one. Did I learn nothing from Emma from Jane Austen? Manipulation of others even with good intentions is never a good idea.

I am basically a push over. I would do anything for the children or seniors that I work with. However, tough love is sometimes necessary for strong-willed children and you can't allow yourself to become a door mat.

If I don't want to remain unsuccessful at love, I have to follow some basic biblical advice: "Guard your heart, for from it issue the well springs of life." When I do marry, I want to be someone who has followed this advice; I already failed in this area before, so I pray for a renewed innocence and purity.

No one should school themselves to be any one's Saviour. Those auditions have already been held. Neither should they actually seek martydom. That happens naturally in this sin-striken world. And absolutely no one is any one's personal Holy Spirit!

Surrendering Your Will

Sometimes joy comes only in the process of surrendering your will to God. Since he knows what is best for all his children, He will always bless you for surrendering your dearest hopes, plans, and dreams to Him.

The answer may be, "No my child I have something better in store." Or perhaps, "Not yet my child. You are simply not ready for what you ask for."

Accepting such an answer is hard, but God knows how to give good gifts to his children. In the waiting and watching, there is a gift from God.

Our heavenly Father will never abandon us in our pain and loss. He also promises a future full of hope and his peace. One day he will wipe each and every tear from our eyes. There will be no more death, or mourning or crying or pain. For all this shall pass away like a shadow.

We will then see clearly what once was clouded by grief and sorrow. Thanks be to God who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ!

Happy...

Things are looking up. Will write more tomorrow.

Mending a Broken Heart

When your heart is broken in the presence of God, he is your Healer. When you make impulsive choices that hurt yourself, as well as those you love, he is your Restorer who rebuilds the ancient cisterns and restores  the broken walls. When life no longer makes sense and seems to have lost all joy and purpose, he is your Redeemer.

Life and choices are not easy. But we have a friend who sticks closer than a brother, Jesus  Christ, the Risen Saviour, who forgives all our sins, heals all our diseases, redeems our life from the pit, and crowns us with love and compassion.

When your heart is shattered in a million pieces and frozen in your chest, he will repair, rebuild, and restore. He loves you enough to restore what was once beautiful and seems broken beyond repair or remedy.

Life is difficult. But God is faithful, and none of his promises will fall to the ground. He remembers the shape of your dreams, and he will bring your vision to pass in his own timing. It is hard to be patient until that day, but he understands we are dust. We are all like grass. The grass withers, and the flowers fall, but the Word of the LORD stands forever, and his purposes to all generations!

I actually wrote this post quite some time ago, before I started my current healthy eating plan. Since I lost too much weight I am now trying to regain muscle mass.

*Not so* recently after gazing upon my reflection in the mirror, I realized my less than toned physique, which could be compared unfavourably with that of a five month pregnant woman, was the result of three of the seven deadly sins gluttony, greed, and sloth. While I may be able to show some restraint at the dinner table by taking smaller portions, my gluttony reveals itself when it comes to sweets, especially chocolate which I will devour in copious amounts. My greedy side comes to light when I am in the store and have to buy a large bar or box of chocolate simply because it is on sale. Without a regular exercise regime and a Zumba drop-out, I display sloth when I turn back from a walk because it is simply too windy. My own mother puts me to shame with her Jillian Michaels routine several times a week while I average one or two walks a week. I contemplate taking up running, but never do so.

Turning my gaze inward, I saw that the other four deadly sins were also present. Pride, envy, lust, and anger were in evidence in my daily life. Pride caused me to consider myself better than some others, while envy made me desire what others had. Anger made me impatient with those who got in my way, and lust caused me to view others as objects. Of the seven, envy has the biggest foothold in my life and causes the most damage. It makes me ungrateful for the blessings in my life, and jealous of others and their lives with their beautiful little families and their successes.

Now I wonder how I can change my inward attitudes and outward habits to transform not only my outward appearance, but also my heart.

Distorted Perceptions

This has been a season in my life of constant distortions. It is rather like I stepped inside of a fun house with all the crazy mirrors. You just can't get a clear view of yourself or others, and it is not fun!


Sometimes you trust people who you shouldn't. At other times you get angry at people for a small thing that shouldn't even be an issue. You allow yourself to be guided by people who take advantage of your vulnerability, which they can sense like blood in the water for a shark.


People who love you get very hurt by all the extremes in your spiraling emotions and you struggle to contain yourself, but don't always even manage to do that.


For some people it may be an amusing spectacle. My life as a reality show would be entertaining, if rather sad and disquieting.


Since April I have been in recovery. I never dreamed it could take this long or cause this much pain and anguish. The good news is that I am, in fact, recovering. I am taking all the steps I know how to do and will continue to work hard this fall at the process.


I now make plans tentatively, as I never know the day to day variables. Emotional rollercoasters are not really fun, but feeling things deeply does make you more compassionate and responsive to others. In the end, you need to discover where the illness ends and where you actually begin. I have a feeling I will never ever be the same; I do not desire to be.


They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I have been forced to strengthen myself spiritually, physically, and psychologically. I am in the process of healing, and the walls are coming down. For this I am grateful to Christ, my family, church families, Christians I have met in the journey, kind strangers, angels, and my dear friends. Life is too rich to give up the battle, and the war is already won!

Sadness, Anger, and Self-Control: After My Jonah Day

Yesterday may have ended well, but I think it was my saddest, most gut-wrenching birthday ever. Life gets messy sometimes and the fall out from extreme emotions is huge.

Right now it is a lot of extreme emotions and only sometimes logic, coherence, order, decorum and self control. The big emotions are anger and sadness.

Forgiveness is a journey. Love is a destination that welcomes you in. Peace and joy are God’s forever promises. In the midst of trials, the sky may darken, but joy comes in the morning!

Jesus carried me last night, close to his chest, all the way up to the summit. Later we will return to the Valley,  but for now I am going to enjoy the breathtaking view!

Despite all my anger, I do have hope in Christ. I have the seal of the Holy Spirit, guaranteeing my inheritance. When this journey is over, I know my final destination. The new heavens and earth will be beyond anything I can ever imagine!

Thanks be to God who gives us the victory through our LORD Jesus Christ!

The 23rd Psalm for Busy People translated from a Japanese version by Koki Mayashina

The Lord is my pacesetter
I shall not rush
He makes me to stop and rest
For quiet intervals;
He provides me with images of stillness
Which restore my serenity;
He leads me in the ways of efficiency
Through calmness of mind
And his guidance is Peace.
Even though I have a great many things
To accomplish each day,
I will not fret
For His presence is here:
His timelessness
His all importance
Keeps me in balance;
He prepares refreshment and renewal
In the midst of my activities,
By anointing my mind
With His oils of tranquility
My cup of joyous energy overflows;
Surely harmony and effectiveness
Shall be the fruit of my hours
And I shall walk in the pace of my Lord
And dwell in His house forever.

Friendship When Worlds Collide: A Poem

At the intersection of two points
When worlds collide
When you find a friend
Who sticks closer than a brother
You will find your way home
Even if your GPS is confused


Wrote this poem during a time of utter chaos in my life. Thankfully I have many friends and family members to light my way. My best friends know who they are: Thanks!

today

Today I choose to follow you,
Today I choose to give my yes
 to you.
Today I choose to hear your voice and live!
Today l choose to follow you.

As for me and my house, we will serve you. As for me and my house, we will spend our lives on you!

Wonderful Counsellor, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace, LORD of all. Willingly we follow.



Brian Doerkson's Lyrics and my prayer.

Slam Dunk

If there was one thing in the world that Joseph loved, it was basketball. If there was one thing he loved more, it was a girl named Rachael. Jospeh promised Rachael the moon and he believed he loved her enough to get it for her. Joseph always practiced basketball on his court out in the country. Surrounded by farm fields Joseph would practice as the sun would set and the moon was rising. He would often reach for the moon and pretend to slam dunk it. Rachael was always on his mind.

In the years that Joseph pursued Rachael, he had a part time job at Wendy's. He worked hard at his job, and on the court but he always worked overtime when it came to his promise to Rachael. Joseph's promises to Rachael included.

1. He promised to one day build her a house on her Grandmother's property
2. He promised to build her an ice castle every winter once they married
3. He promised her the honeymoon of her dreams
4. He promised to buy her a jet plane so they could travel the world
5. He promised he would build their children a huge playground with underground tunnels and waterslides
6. Of course he always promised her the moon

Rachael always turned Joseph away, telling him to be more realistic. She would get annoyed every time he offered her the moon. She called him a dreamer and told him he was trying to achieve the impossible. When it came to basketball she told him he wasn't even any good. Joseph was devastated!

Time passed and Joseph and Rachael parted ways. Joseph moved to Louisville where he got a scholarship playing basketball and eventually the made the Toronto Raptors. Rachael stayed home and started dating Joseph's arch rival, Calvin.

A year had passed and Calvin had secured a decent job. For their anniversary, he decided to take Rachael on a surprise date. There was a limo, roses, champagne, and of course game 7 tickets to the NBA finals in Toronto. Joseph did not see them during the game, but he ended up posting a 33 point night along with a 3 point buzzer beater that won them the NBA championship. For the first time, Rachael found Joseph attractive and appealing. She waved and tried to get his attention as he held the prize trophy over his head. Rachael hoped that maybe he still loved her.

After flexing for the cameras, Joseph did notice Rachael in the crowd, screaming his name. Joseph crossed the rose-petaled, Gatorade drenched floor, and said hello. With a big smile on his face he brought Rachael over and introduced her to his fiancee.... Jennifer Lopez :)


Of course in my version of this tale, Rachael and Joseph would end up together and J-Lo would not even feature, but compromises must be made in artistic collaberations.

Kahil Gibran on Love

Kahlil Gibran on Love 

When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams
as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.

When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, "I am in the heart of God."
And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

This has to be my favourite poem right now. I don't know much about the poet, but I will be reading more of his work, you can be sure.

Mother Goose

Mother GOOSE

My Mom

thinks me perfection

only slightly marred

by my depression

She wants me to mind

My "P's and Q's"

but I can't give her

Any clues!

She has no guile

Only a smile,

I only wish

She would kiss

Away my hurt

And make me some dessert

Lemon meriangue

or Chocolate mousse

If only...

she wasn't

Such a goose!

I wrote this poem after being angry with my mother for most of one night. I think I forgave her?

Teddy and the Moon Walka Walka's

Ok. I definitely contributed to this story. Co creators Frank (N Stein) and Jesse. A volunteer drafted it and I made one last edit. More stories to come involving time travel, super heroes, and cheaters.... stay tuned.



Deep in the wilderness of Croatia there lived a bear named Teddy and his friend Beyonce. From a young age all Teddy wanted to do was dance. Beyonce used to sit for hours and watch him practice. Beyonce taught him a few simple moves. She always believed in him. She gave confidence and inspired him very much.

Teddy was known as a prankster. He would often sneak up on unsuspecting campers and scare them, then quickly bust into a dance, leaving some campers feeling better and laughing, and some just getting more scared. He would then disappear into the woods.

One day some people from Barnum and Bailey's circus captured Teddy and forced him to wear disco clothes and dance in their circus. Teddy went from an exuberant prankster, who was always happy, to feeling depressed, and wishing he could once again hang out at the many dumps and garbage bins of his youth, where the food was, to be frank, much better. He was so mortified that he no longer wanted to dance. After a few months in captivity Teddy seized an opportunity to escape. With his huge paws he managed to break free from his cage. On his way to freedom, he grabbed the cash box and headed home.

As soon as Teddy reached home he jumped into the lake and took a bath. Feeling refreshed, and dripping wet, he danced on the beach. Performing each move to perfection, Teddy danced every one of Michael Jackson's famous moves, but without the white glove. He thrust his hips, threw his arms upwards, and moon walked the beach. The Jackson five and disco music filled the air.

Pretty soon wild animals appeared from everywhere to watch Teddy dance. First some coyotes, then a few deer, next some robins. Finally some escaped lions, tigers and zebras appeared. Last of all potato bugs and cockroaches watched the famous moves of the skilled dancer with something approaching awe.

And, yes, Beyonce, was also there. The hit song Single Ladies found Beyonce and Teddy dancing together, as Sleazy Bear watched from the sidelines. Sleazy was a slightly forward bear, and endlessly whipped her hair in an attempt to draw Teddy's attention. This hair whipping was slightly tempting to a bear of Teddy's sensibilities; however Beyonce had him in raptures, unknown to him until this point.

In the years that followed Teddy and Beyonce taught the other bears how to dance. They formed a group called "Teddy and the Moon Walka Walkas" and hit the bigtime. They held a show in Maple Leaf Gardens that sold out in one day. With their progeny, they relaxed together in Florida, Bora Bora, and Hawaii, with resplendent homes at each extensive property. Teddy still visited the dumps too, but they happily lived in the beauty of their world, dancing for the rest of their days.

May 5, 1945 and May 5, 2015: A Story Seventy Years in the Making

Well, the story I intended to post here, has yet to be found. There are at least three stories I have never found back, one about cheating and laundry, written up by the recreation therapist with content mainly from Frank and myself, and one about a time-travelling GI that was written on May 5, 2015 in honour of V-day. It was inspired by Frank, who was from Croatia (before it was called Croatia), and had been in the military; the Recreation therapist wrote it up so splendidly I can never hope to duplicate it, and actually would not want to. Also I am not allowed to return to that particular ward, ever. The head nurse was very explicit that she only wants to see me again in the grocery store.

However May 5th, 1945 was a momentous day in the history of the world. It is the date for the liberation of the Netherlands, known as V day, in these parts. There are so many different V days though. On May 5th, the Germans surrendered and the Dutch people welcomed the Canadian soldiers with great joy and celebration.

Around this time, my Opa and Oma den Boer met, while on parade, and of course Grandpa and Grandma Beekman, having met and corresponded in the war, were now free to make wedding plans and soon immigrated to Canada. Opa and Oma den Boer ended up in France for a number of years, before making their way to Canada, having four of their five children on a primitive farm, somewhere close enough to Paris that my father was eventually born there, a number of weeks premature. As I have written before, he was fed sea water by the nurses, and did not see his mother very often. My Opa pretended to be a doctor just to see him, and was rather disappointed in his tiny size. None of the nurses were fooled, however, by his supposed lab coat.

Grandpa and Grandma Beekman began life in Canada on a farm somewhere in the heartland of Ontario, where, as Grandma related later, she was required to live in a shack, and also bring the blankets for the night, back to the main house every morning. They were called Displaced Persons or D.P. 's and would move around quite a bit as their young family grew to five. My mother was the only girl and second in line. Her older brother was a good sort of boy, but at first had difficulty with English. My grandma was to learn English so well, in her later years she was a champion Scrabble player. Around the time I was born, Grandpa and Grandma were living in Florida, where Grandpa worked for one of his bosses, building a golf course and maintaining it. So I did go to Florida, but have very little recollection of it. My earliest memory is of my baby brother in the air plane. I demanded that my father open the window of the air plane for me, as I must have felt somewhat confined. John had a bassinet where he actually got to sleep.... Not sure if I did or not.

Anyways, I digress. On May 5, 2015 I walked around the Labyrinth at Saint Joseph's hospital and top of my mind was V-day. It had just been painted, and I probably was one of the first to make that trek. It was dedicated recently on the September 22nd, I believe. I had done the Labyrinth before, when it used to be hedges, a couple of times, before the new hospital was built, when I was a patient in 2005 and afterwards with a good friend.

The story we wrote that day, involving time travel, and rescuing of people in a factory in the Netherlands, and an epic celebration complete with chocolate, dancing, and jazz hands following the War, and after the rebuilding of the decimated country, was very inspirational. Frank was quite an amazing guy, and could be depended upon for good advice. He was pretending he was in a first class hotel, so naturally I pretended I was in a spa, in between feeling like I was in a monastery or prison. He had his own issues, but I never for a minute doubted his story or his integrity. I met a number of fabulous people at the hospital, and Frank was one about half a dozen patients I will never forget!

Jericho

Joshua Blowing His Trumpet....





And the walls falling down!







As Rahab hangs her Scarlett Thread......

Joshua Blowing His Horn

SAdB

I Will Change Your Name

By D.J. Butler

I will change your name

You shall no longer by called

Wounded, out cast Lonely or afraid

I will change your name

Your new name shall be

Confidence, joyfulness

Overcoming One

Faithfulness, friend of God

One who seeks My Face

Change is... important in life because without it you

          can't grow

... without it there would be no seaside castles

     nestled in the midst of gardens

... no secret hideaways bursting with life

... no glorious resurrections, no brightly coloured

     eggs hidden in secret

           dark corners

               beneath a sea shell...

            in some seaside resort

          as the sun rises

              on a beautiful new day....

All things bright and beautiful

All creatures great & small

All things wise & wonderful

The LORD God Made Them All!

After a long barren winter I am a garden bursting

in bloom .... a lily of the Valley

     Suzanne Allison

           I will become myself

              As I really Am!

Some Ponderings

100 More Aprons?

Awhile ago I ran out of disposable one time use aprons for my foot care job I have been doing for over a year, extremely part-time. I wondered if I should order any more. Proper nursing standards would indicate you should have a fresh one for each client. I had ordered them more than a year ago online from a place that sold them for food industry purposes and they weren't individually packed like the ones I had split with the two other nurses who were doing the course of studies with me back in the summer of 2013. I think there were probably a hundred of them, but I couldn't be sure, as I had never counted them. So when they were all gone I wondered if that meant I had done over one hundred visits.

I really didn't want to order any more somehow. Maybe it was realizing how little I had made there in black and white on my T4 and how much energy I had poured into the job. It could have been the fact I was paying half what I made on gas and other car expenses, and spending twice what I made in tools and supplies, or so it seemed. There was so much prep time preparing documents and tools, phoning clients, rescheduling appointments, and then there was the half hour or more it took to clean your tools at the end of the day, all that travel time, the extra documentation you did at home for no pay, the insurance you had to fork out due to the high risk of something going terribly wrong. The inconvenient truth was I could make twice as much with my other home care job for six hour shift that involved far less driving and ended when the visit was over and you signed off on your phone, instead of so much later in the day. One day seeing three clients in one day as well as attending a CPR class kept me busy until 11 pm before all the work was done.  Far more than I would like I have had to decline last minute shift opportunities for my other job in order to keep my foot care appointments I was committed to completing.

 Foot care in the home is not a very profitable business, for any one, and you have to be willing to take a loss in order to build up any kind of business. Unfortunately it felt like I was taking the brunt of the losses while my company struggled to collect the bills and clients came and went. Sometimes I have had to wrestle for over an hour to get a client's neglected feet into some semblance of proper order. At times I haven't known if my clients even have a firm grasp on their personal history, let alone their health conditions. Sometimes as I am wearing my mask, knowing they probably can't hear a word I am saying, struggling to give them some advice about caring for their feet they can't even manage to rub cream on by themselves any more, I wonder if I am really helping them as much as I would like to. Somehow the sensation test seems a little pointless when you are not sure they even understand your instructions.  And there are the feet that haunt you a little, because you know something is a little off, but you can't diagnose what exactly is wrong... As a nurse it is not really your job to diagnose, but when should you tell them to see a doctor?

 So I had kind of decided to quit. I could get into something like palliative care or some other area. Some other nurse could take over my clients. Then a nagging thought came to me that there were very few nurses who were sticking with this rather demanding, financially unrewarding work. Sure I did joke with one client I should be paying him as he patiently showed me some helpful tips for dealing with his chronic ingrown toenail. But I felt a little taken advantage of, a lowly foot care nurse, making a different rate than the other nurses, and seeing my bank account slowly descend rather than grow.

But a couple of days I ago I had a realization. I actually would do this job without any remuneration. Please don't tell my company. I love it! I love the clients I have gradually gotten to know, being a visitor in their homes whether in a cluttered dingy place smelling of cigarette smoke or a beautiful well appointed apartment.  I even love the satisfaction of cutting really really long toenails and realizing you have just made a difference to your client's mobility and health. Some of my clients have been palliative; I get to care for their feet and maybe help a little by my kindness as they are facing death. I have grown so much in my confidence that I no longer even dread the first visit, the unknowns of what I will face. One client in Oakville I often complained lived too far away for me to be earning anything at all with the one hour visit, I miss the most, and wonder whether she is okay after her fall. I know many of my clients have few other options when they are housebound, rejected by other companies due to liability issues since they are diabetic or on blood thinners, and completely unable to care for their own feet any longer, ashamed at how long their toe nails have grown.

Yesterday, I came to a definite decision and emailed the person who had hired me that I had decided to stay. That I would make a complete reversal within the same day and today be ready to write my resignation letter is another story. Thankfully a very capable administrator talked me down and made a couple of important phone calls to clarify some issues that had made continuing seem an utter impossibility. In this season of my life, it may be time to order another hundred aprons.

Trust

This Good Friday, I attended a beautiful, meaningful service at the church where I grew up, professed my faith, and spent part of my young adulthood. I sat with my friend from childhood, her husband, and her parents who have always been a special part of our lives. It was good to be given some time, however brief, to reflect on just how much Christ suffered out of a love that is unfathomable, in order to pay for my redemption, healing, and wholeness. He has opened a way so I can become like him, the most amazing person who has ever walked on this planet. And now he is there right beside me, walking me through the valleys and to the fearsome heights. And today I realised that being here with him is really the safest place I can be, whatever may come.

When I am afraid, he says "fear not" and "I am with you." When I say "I cannot do it" he tells me "try, I will help you." Many times he reminds of the beauty he created, both inner and outer, when I was woven together in my mother's womb. He tells me that he has good plans for my life, though he does not promise a pain-free life without suffering or loss. He does promise that one day he will wipe every tear from my eyes, and he demonstrates that he values my tears so much that he stores them in a bottle. Especially in my childhood and youth, tears were frequent, even for small things, so I figure that bottle is probably holding quite a large volume by now.

Thinking of Christ as the Good Shepherd has always been a way to find a sense of peace for me. I picture myself in his arms, being carried, or I relax beside the peaceful stream, knowing I am cared for and watched over. My professor in university made a good point that sometimes we think of all the things we should or must do for the kingdom of God, but sometimes we just have to "be." To be God's child, to be his beloved, to be the lamb of the Good Shepherd who was willing to lay down his life for the sheep. On a day like today, when we remember the high cost of our redemption, the stripes which bring our healing, and the love that kept Jesus on the cross through the agony of being separated from his Father and the excruciating  physical pain as he struggled for each breath, we should realise that we can trust him in this time and moment as well whatever we may face. On the cross, Christ was not a victim, but a victor who has bought us back from the kingdom of darkness, and proclaimed our release and freedom from bondage. When he rose again on the third day, he gave those from whom he died a new resurrected life, and his victory over death and hell became gloriously real and tangible. On Good Friday, we remember that Easter is coming!

Springtime

I know it is not officially here for a couple of days, but it is springtime! It was a little chilly today, but the sun is shining and the snow has almost disappeared completely.

[in Just-]

BY E. E. CUMMINGS

in Just-

spring          when the world is mud-

luscious the little

lame balloonman

whistles          far          and wee

and eddieandbill come

running from marbles and

piracies and it's

spring

when the world is puddle-wonderful

the queer

old balloonman whistles

far          and             wee

and bettyandisbel come dancing

from hop-scotch and jump-rope and

it's

spring

and

         the

                  goat-footed

balloonMan          whistles

far

and

wee

Recalling the joys of analyzing poems like this. And thinking happy, springtime thoughts. "Lo the winter is over and past, the rain is over and gone. The flowers appear on the earth; the time of singing has come..." That quote from Song of Songs just came back to my memory, although I had to look it up to get the complete text. 

This spring I am hoping to begin to get fit, take some courses for my nursing career, and find that elusive full-time hours job or jobs. Also I want to figure how I should make use of what is in my hand. Moses had his staff and God used it for miraculous things. What is in my hand is a pen, I mean symbolically not literally, as of course at this moment I am typing. 

This spring will bring new things with work, friendships, and relationships. Things are in flux, but they are also blossoming, blooming, and full of life!

Plenty of Fish

The moment I decided to attend the Christian singles mixer party my friend was hosting, I hadn't pictured myself as the only female attendee for the first part of the evening. But there I was, the wall flower, sitting encircled by a half-dozen eligible men in a dimly lit bar inspired by Edgar Allan Poe's the Raven, awkwardly making conversation with help from an icebreaker game. Scarlett O'Hara surrounded by adoring beaus I was most definitely not. When the other two women showed up, they sat together at the bar and put their icebreaker games in their purses, meaning I won the door-prize for the women by default.

I tried not to think about how disappointing this event might turn out for every one, and focused on small talk and polite conversation about work, hobbies and interests. One man turned out to be not only a winter camping enthusiast but also a registered nurse who was an expert in foot care nursing, having run his own business for over ten years. I was able to glean some valuable information from him as I am also a foot care nurse.  Another man was a recent immigrant from Lebanon who was a scientist who worked in the food industry. Yet another was an outdoorsman who was a machinist. They all seemed like decent people. A couple men offered to buy me a drink, but I declined as I rarely have alcohol.

Gradually the small crowd dwindled to four people, counting the hostess of the event. We sat at the bar and discussed our work and cultural and family backgrounds. Since I had won a gift certificate for the bar, I attempted to buy a drink, but it is hard to order something that has no alcohol or sugar at a bar, and bars apparently don't charge for water garnished with a lemon. When I realised that this elementary fact should have been obvious to me, I was rather embarrassed to have offered payment. My next thought was to order a drink for some one else, as I didn't think it likely I would be returning to this venue, but the two people I asked had already imbibed their personal limit of one drink for the evening.

At ten the music was cranked up, but no one was dancing. Conversation became more difficult due to the noise level. My friend and I made plans to go back some time to use the gift certificate, and we exited the bar together along with the last man to leave the singles mixer party, who happened to be the registered nurse. He offered me contact information so I could ask him for professional advice regarding foot care. It wasn't the evening I had expected, especially since the last event my friend planned had had ten times as many people show up and more of a gender balance. Still it certainly was a stretching experience, and more of an adventurous Saturday night than I am used to having.

Perspective

There are two totally different ways to look at life. One is of a history of failures, setbacks, disappointments, and missed opportunities. The other is a story of lessons learned, challenges faced, holy encounters, and blessings in disguise.

 In the last little while I have had two disappointments. The one today I didn't handle very well, and in a moment I seemed to have lost all the progress I thought I had made. Negative things came from my mouth and they seemed very true and realistic, but in fact, they had the truth all twisted and distorted. 

This may be a challenge I have to overcome, but it is not the end of my journey. God does have a good plan for my life, but my life at times includes learning from failures, struggling through setbacks, dealing with disappointments of things I have wanted but are not God's will, and sometimes missing the mark. Through it all, God is working all things for my good and he is drawing me closer to himself. 

God knows the desires of my heart, and he created my heart. He is good, faithful, and true and as I delight myself in who he is and what he has done, he will fulfill the desires of my heart and also recreate my heart to be more in tune with him. Some of my desires may change in the process and as my life unfolds, I may understand better why God has said "no" or "not yet" or "wait" for petitions I have made to him. God wants me succeed at the things he has designed and purposed for me to do and he knows the end from the beginning. If I ask for his guidance, direction and wisdom, I can trust him to answer my prayer. He is able to do so much more than I would ever ask or imagine.

How to Find One's Life By First Losing It

Being self-absorbed comes naturally. If there is a mirror in the room, chances are I am checking out my reflection, even as I am conversing with other people. When I get a hair-cut, I want people to notice and compliment me. Since I lost some weight, I weigh myself with even more frequency. Often in conversations, I catch myself bringing the discussion back to myself, which is my favourite topic though maybe not as fascinating as I think. Though I receive many spontaneous compliments, sometimes I am guilty of fishing for one. At times, I spend so much time looking inward, I fail to notice people with needs all around me.

Self-denial on the other hand, goes against my natural tendencies. How I can give of myself sacrificially to others is not immediately obvious to me in any given situation; More on my mind is how will this affect me and my plans or how does this person feel about me.

Selfishness is my default setting. If I don't try to put myself in another person's shoes or attempt to think of others, I won't consider their needs above mine.

It is all too often all about me. That's why I find Jesus' words so challenging as paraphrased by Eugene Peterson: "Any one who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You're not in the driver's seat; I  am. Don't run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I'll show you how. Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to finding yourself, your true self. What kind of deal is it to get everything you want but lose yourself? What could you ever trade your soul for?"

I guess if I am truly following Jesus, instead of just talking about following Jesus, he will lead me in this way of self-sacrifice and show me how it is done. He has already demonstrated a love that was willing to suffer, to empty himself, to give his life as a sacrifice. In his life, he was a servant, obedient to the Father. Even though he was God, he made himself nothing. My life has to become about him and about the people he has placed in my life. I need to radically change my focus and only then will I find my life as it was meant to be lived.

Of Darkness and Dawn

When the thought crossed my mind again, I realised it had been awhile, really quite some time, since it had transversed the well-worn path etched into my brain. I did not welcome its return. It was a thing of winter, of gloom, of dark, bare, empty places and of despair. It stank of hopelessness, fear, and death.

Four simple words: I want to die. This recurring thought most often emerged when I faced something difficult, when I was stressed, or when I contemplated the future, not in a dreamy, optimistic light but in a nihilistic, nightmarish view. I want to die. Sometimes I dwelt on the thought, other times I pushed it aside. Most of the time, it had no semblance of truth, nothing more than a shadowy presence. It dissolved into nothing when forced into the light. But always it came back.

I want to die. If it had ever been true, it wasn't now. I want to live. I want to grow, to stretch, to burst into glorious bloom. I want to develop in many directions, to be a channel of vitality, to foster life.

I want to live. I want to experience delight and joy, beauty and passion. I want to be grateful for each breath, to breathe in goodness and exhale grace. I want to live... truly. I want my path forward to be "like the light of the dawn, which shines brighter and brighter until full day" as the ancient writer described the way of the righteous. This proverb was given to me as a word of promise last year. Though darkness is real, by God's grace I will see that dawning brightness.

I want to live. I want to born anew as Jesus once told Nicodemus. It is a thing of spring, new beginnings, of light, and hope. It is truer than the darkness ever could be.

Top Ten Blessings of 2014

It is time to reflect on the blessings of the past year. I am feeling a little blue as family Christmas time draws to a close and I heard some sad news today. Also I know 2015 will begin with me facing up to some challenges that I postponed dealing with. I think making this list will help me focus on the positive side. This idea was inspired by my sister who wrote her own top ten list on her Christmas card.

1. Working with a client who was a joy in a kindergarten of all places the first half of 2014

2. Spending time with treasured friends whether while attempting to master Zumba or playing a friendly game of Euchre or Scrabble

3. Getting my feet wet with a part-time foot care nursing job and meeting some wonderful clients

4. Drawing closer to God through Immanuel sessions and Sarah Young's devotional writings

5. Visiting Karen, Clint and their wonderful family this past summer in Saskatchewan

6. Gaining health and losing weight and inches since starting Trim Healthy Mama in July (twenty-five pounds lost and now at my goal weight)

7. My wardrobe makeover courtesy of my stylish sister and her friend 

8. Receiving more compliments than I can realistically keep track of

9. Rachel and Joel's beautiful summer wedding and happiness in marriage

10. God giving me the gift of hope 

A Hard Lesson

There are certain lessons that seem to take me decades to learn. One I haven't mastered yet is "Do not worry" although I have been writing about it since my very first blog post. Another is how to follow the biblical recipe for true contentment, as Paul explains in the following verses, as paraphrased by Eugene Peterson:

• I've learned by now to be quite content whatever my circumstances. I'm just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little. I've found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in  the One who makes me who I am.     Philippians 4:11b-13 The Message

I can't say I've reached the same point as the apostle Paul, when he wrote these words. It is very easy to be discontented about the things that are not happening in my life or things that are not going in the way I would like. It is very easy to annoyed by little things that a deeply contented person would just brush off or not even notice. On days when patience is in short supply, my mood is darkly disappointed, and the last thing on my mind is the recipe for being content in every circumstance, I tend to view my life as a portrait in things I lack, things I absolutely must have to be happy. 

But I don't need a successful career, my ideal match, or to be married with children in order to be happy. I don't need my every wish fulfilled and fantasy realized. I need a change in perspective, to view my life in light of the blessings I have received and gifts I have been given. I need to realize that no matter what my situation, whatever material blessings I have or don't have, I can still make it through my life with true contentment and joy, not based on my circumstances but based on the One who gives me my identity, hope and purpose. I am a child of God, a member of Christ's body, a citizen of heaven, God's workmanship called to share God's love and to do the work God prepared for me to do. I have been given much; my hands are full. I have everything I need for life and to fulfill my calling, I have been supplied with all I require to trust and to obey God. Through his strength I can master this recipe!

I wish I would learn this difficult lesson thoroughly and apply its principles faithfully in my life! I hope it won't take many more years to learn it well.

Last Friday Night

Last Friday night found me composing yet another online dating profile. It was either that or write a blog post and I was drawing a blank on a good topic to write about. There is an art to writing a good profile, revealing enough but not too much, sounding intelligent but not cocky, being honest but not sounding like a total dweeb who spends their Friday nights writing online dating profiles. A brevity and conciseness in your responses is key, as is highlighting your good points and showing no signs of your neuroses and hang-ups. It is best to leave blank those questions that, if answered, would reveal your utter lack of experience in the area of dating relationships. For a Christian dating site, you should avoid cliches as much as possible, but also strike a balance between emphasizing the required godliness of your husband and admitting that you do not demand perfection. An over-ask is almost as fatal as an over-sell. A hint of a sense of humour and a slight display of quirkiness and a degree of creativity in your answers helps.

With such a profile you will be certain to attract any number of men, some of whom will astonish you with their effusiveness and others who will delight you with their unintentional humour. Someone will write you from jail, another from a foreign country. There will be divorced men and widowers with children, single men who ask why you have never married yet, and men older than your father. There will be those who send you a form letter, slightly personalized, full of links and contact information, and those who ask you a simple sardonic question. There will be those whose profiles are an instructive sermon on environmentalism or their own brand of Christianity they are fully convinced of. Some will give you their Skype address, others their email despite rules to the contrary. Some will have obvious baggage from past relationships, others will emphasize their need for a submissive wife.

But you will continue to wait out your ten day trial period, because there is always the chance that there will be someone extraordinary in their normalcy and at the same time ideally suited for your quirks, someone truly fitting all your stated criteria and some of your unstated ones. On such slight chances you pin your hopes.

Two Paths Diverged in a Yellow Wood

(With Apologies to Robert Frost)

"Stand by the ways and see and ask for the ancient paths, where the good way is, and walk in it; And you will find rest for your souls." Jeremiah 6:15 (NASB version)

Sometimes you think you are headed in one direction, only to discover you still don't know where life might take you. Life has been a mixture of overabundant compliments on my new stylish clothes and trimmer figure and disappointments to do with my professional career. I have spent time gazing lovingly and narcissistically at myself in the mirror and time stewing about the future and my prospects. I had written a blog post a couple of weeks ago all about my current life... the triumph of my weight loss, the joys of a new wardrobe and the successful shopping trips preceded by the weeding out of five garbage bags of unstylish, unflattering, worn-out, or ill-fitting clothes, and finally my newest job working at a school doing a feeding program to which I could wear all these wonderful new-to-me clothes. This was before Thanksgiving and I was pretty thankful to have much closer to full-time hours, although I felt bad for the nurse who I had replaced from another agency and how unjust the situation was for her. When the job returned to her, I felt it really was the right thing to happen and I just regretted I was left with some gaping holes in my schedule.

Last weekend I went to Ancient Paths, a seminar I struggled to describe to a friend. There was teaching about communication, critical times of blessing in the life of an individual and family, and how to bless your children or parents. There was also time for ministry in a small group. I received some healing and encouragement and had some generational things dealt with. While I didn't agree with some of the viewpoints expressed by the teacher in the videos, I did learn a lot from him and overall I was blessed by my participation in this seminar.

This week I spent some of my extensive leisure hours just enjoying the lovely fall colours and walking through the woods and across the city-scape, appreciating the beauty as the leaves blanketed the path or swirled down gently from the trees. This evening I both coached an Immanuel session and was the recipient to an Immanuel session and it was good to connect to Jesus and hear what he had to say about all the things I have been thinking about. It is comforting to know I can trust him and he has a good plan for my life and that I am moving forward, even if I don't yet know the way or where the path will lead. 

Poor Prose, Powerful Prejudice

When I was finishing my last half year at Redeemer University College, I took a creative writing course. I had dreams of being a writer, but had written mainly essays and papers while in university. I hadn't tried creative writing since high school when I penned a twisted fairy tale for my English ISU, and was told that it didn't qualify as a short story exactly, but that it was well-done. In my class on British novel in university, I did write an additional scene to Jane Eyre, and in Contemporary Fiction I wrote an additional scene to The Color Purple, and I also took a class in Expository writing, but that was pretty much the limit of my creative output.

When I began the Creative Writing class, I hoped it would encourage me to be more imaginative again like when I would get up early to type stories on the computer such as my story about the missionary kids who were kidnapped, or my tale of a princess who was being forced to marry an evil villain, but was helped by a prince in disguise. Of course I would be writing something that actually would qualify as a short story, real literature such as I had spent my university career analyzing.

Anyways my imaginative flow was rather constrained for this class, perhaps because I was focused on trying to please the professor, whose own writing I had read. I did better with the poetry, because I had never read any of the professor's own poetry. My first short story was about a club singer who serenades a man from the audience and I forget what else happens, and its most memorable feature was its title "For Whom the Belle.... Sings." My main short story was set in a thrift store and entitled "Thrift Store Steal" and was about a university student who worked part-time at the thrift store and planned to buy a wedding dress that was for sale, but a volunteer, who frequently took the best items from the store, took it for her daughter, resulting in a confrontation with the university student cashier. The thrift store and wedding dress were both well described, but the ending to the story when the university student quits her job dramatically and grabs a lawn ornament on her way out which she may or may not pay for, did not impress my professor who felt it weak and unsatisfying.

I have been thinking of this story lately, because it occurred to me that some of the judgments that my protaganist made about the volunteer's daughter being too overweight to fit the dress, underemployed, and still living at home are all things that have been reflected in my own life. A fourth judgment, the fact that the daughter could no longer conceivably wear white, according to my rather judgmental character at least, does not fit with my life situation.

It makes me wonder about the power of judgments we make. At the time I wrote this story, I thought an university education in liberal arts would stand me in good stead and I would likely never be underemployed despite the fact I was majoring in English literature and Religion. Also I had long been prejudiced against older people still living at home. My first would-be boyfriend,who I met the year I worked at a factory before I started university, was still living with his parents at age thirty-something and that was one of three reasons I wouldn't date him, the others being he didn't attend church regularly, and our age differences were too great. I was nineteen at the time, and rather immature. This guy ended up getting his own apartment and started attending church more regularly, but we never ended up dating since I still thought the age difference was too great. We emailed back and forth for awhile, but his tales of girls hitting on him at his security job became tiresome and I very cruelly blocked his email address. He then sent me an email from another account, in which he explained that his new girlfriend was buying them a house and it was by the lake and that he wouldn't tell me how much it cost. I congratulated him in an email and then blocked that account too.

I am now older than he was when he was living at home. I am still living with my parents and I have two part-time jobs which currently are not giving me a lot of hours, and I wouldn't fit into the size five wedding dress either, though I have been trimming down of late. I now think you should be careful how you judge another person even in fiction. Just because someone is not married at thirty-something doesn't mean there is something wrong with them. And people may live with their parents at an advanced age for a lot of different reasons and they shouldn't be looked at as a lesser species of being for that reason. Also judging someone for their size is very shallow and cruel.

I really would like to develop my creative side again and write something imaginative, well-crafted, and powerful, something not stunted by trying to please a teacher, and maybe featuring a protaganist not reflecting my own prejudices in amplified form.

Facing the Giants

When anxiety causes you to say no to an opportunity for work, to not try something new, to stay within the safe confines of your narrow life, you know it is limiting your potential to grow and the fullness of your life. When your stomach gets in knots just thinking about your next shift, when you lay awake considering various disasterous scenarios, when your mind races to think of an excuse for yourself not to pick up that challenging assignment, you know anxiety is robbing you of being the best nurse you can be. When you don't step forward to do what you sense God is asking you to do, when you focus on your limitations, when you picture yourself failing spectacularly, you know you are allowing your giants to keep you from the promised land.

I am trying to learn to follow Jesus' command not to worry about tomorrow. I am attempting to trust God to provide for my day to day needs and to focus on seeking his kingdom first. While I may be making some progress in these attempts, I still need to be reminded to "consider the lilies."

Yes life is more than food and the body more than clothes. Yes worrying accomplishes nothing of value and is borrowing trouble from the future and bringing it into the present. But how to face life with faith instead of fear? 

To move forward, I need to face these giants and know that with God's help I can conquer them. I can't be afraid of failing. I need to take that first step in trying something new. Before reaching for an excuse, I need to explore further and then decide if it is an opportunity I can seize, something that will help me to grow, a chance to put into practice what I have learned. I need to be wise and make the most of the opportunities that I have. I can rely on God's promise that if I trust in him with all of my heart, not relying solely on my own limited understanding, but acknowledging him in everything, then he will guide me in the right path.

Reunited

One of the special things about the wedding was having all of my siblings together again.
Here we are in order of age.

Storybook Love

Come my love I'll tell you a tale,

Of a boy and girl 

And their love story.

And how he loved her oh so much,

and all the charms she did possess

Now this did happen once upon a time,

When things were not so complex.

And how he worshiped the ground she walked,

And when he looked he became obsessed.

My love is like a storybook story,

But it's as real as the feelings I feel.

My love is like a storybook story,

But it's as real as the feelings I feel.

~ Willy DeVille

Photo by Karen Langelaar

On Sunday, August 31st my sister Rachel and her true love Joel married in a glorious garden setting just outside an old Baptist church. The weather held, despite a predicted probability of rain; it was slightly overcast at times, but when the sun shone down on the seated guests it was a little hot. The ceremony was lovely with talented musicians playing, meaningful vows, and even an offbeat poem chosen by the groom's sister-in-law celebrating abiding love and featuring zombie apocalypses. The bride was stunning and entered on the arm of her father through a long aisle guarded by tall, luxuriant shrubbery. The lovely bridesmaids and adorable flower girl preceded her. Storybook Love from the Princess Bride played on the clarinet and piano evoked a fairytale mood. The officiant delivered a short message before the exchange of vows and two brief passages of scripture were read by the bride's brother-in-law.

The short ceremony was followed by a receiving line and some light refreshments of lemonade and macarons. Pictures were taken in the beautiful gardens and the reception was located at a nearby golf course in a delightfully decorated pavilion with gorgeous flowers arranged in scientifically themed glassware celebrating the couple's backgrounds in the fields of science and engineering. A three course, delectable dinner was followed by speeches, the most hilarious by the groom's twin and best man. The emcees were the bride's brother and her cousin (and bridesmaid) and they kept the evening moving, providing some witty banter, and demanding of the guest's particular tasks they must perform before the bride and groom could kiss. The shoe game, long a staple of family weddings, revealed how much on the same page the bride and groom really were.

Dancing was exuberant at times, opened by the bride and groom's more sedate dance to Ben Harper's Forever, and drawing mainly young people to the floor. The play list was selected by the bride and groom. Meanwhile the guests mingled and watched a slide show with pictures of the bride and groom who had met as prepubescents, and had been a couple since 2011. When the bride and groom left for their honeymoon, the dancing continued for several songs, but the party wrapped up just after midnight, as many of the guests had a long drive ahead of them.

It was a beautiful wedding to celebrate a beautiful couple's true love.

His love was stronger than the power so dark,

A prince could have within his keeping.

His spells to weave and steal her heart,

Within her heart but only sleeping.

My love is like a storybook story,

But it's as real as the feelings I feel.

My love is like a storybook story,

But it's as real as the feelings I feel.

And he said:

"Don't you know I love you oh, so much,

and lay my heart at the foot of your dress."

And she said:

"Don't you know that storybook loves, 

Always have a happy ending."

Then he swooped her up just like in the books

And on his stallion they rode away.

~ Willy DeVille

Photo by Karen Langelaar