Another Year Older

Yesterday I celebrated another birthday, a day later than the actual date. I am now well into my thirties, a fact that still astonishes me. I certainly don't feel mature enough for such a well-advanced age. Never-the-less I am continually getting older and adding to my library of life experiences. I am now a professional in the health care field with a full-time job as a Registered Practical Nurse. Just the other week I drank my first full bottle of beer. This milestone occurred while playing my 111th game of Settlers of Catan. I mention it only as an example of my branching out in new directions. Believe me, it is only one of many possible examples. I am growing as a person and growing larger not only in character but also in girth (my nephew and niece asked me if I am expecting: I am not, though I certainly look the part.)

My younger sisters and I in the new kitchen which is nearing completion.

August has been a good month. I relished a week's vacation with my family at a remote cottage and spending time with my sister, nephews, and nieces during their two week visit to Ontario. I enjoyed my father's 60th birthday celebration with extended family, other than the trip to the emergency department after my nephew cut open his forehead above his eye. My own birthday libations were also fun with scrumptious food, generous presents, and a competitive game of Balderdash which I didn't win. My family actually found a chocolate game of Scrabble... this is the epitome of board games, in my view, and I hope I get to eat the chocolate trophy after wiping out the competition.

In the years to come, I hope I live fully, love deeply, and develop in many new directions. I hope I walk in all the plans and purposes of God for my life. 

My sister taking a break from dishes after a birthday meal,

Another August Already?

Last August found me finishing up my last couple weeks of pregrad and planning a couple of weeks holidays before embarking on a job search. I find it hard to believe almost a year has passed since I finished school. Since then I have worked for several months as a personal support worker, taken and passed my exam, become a registered practical nurse, and started work as a RPN.

As this August begins I am getting into the swing of things with my latest home care position, looking forward to a week with my whole family at a cottage mid month, and to celebrating my Dad's 60th and my own birthday as the month draws to a close. 

It may be a cliche, but it is definitely true that the longer you live the faster time seems to go. As I reflect on my progress towards my admittedly vaguely defined life goals, I wonder at how I spend the resource of time. Have I invested it into things that really matter? I also wonder what life will look like in five or ten years and what I will have to change so I will be able to look back on a life well lived. And yes, I wonder too if I will ever marry or have children, since there are limited years in which having children will be possible.

I want to spend more time and energy on building relationships and friendships, on serving others, on growing closer to God, on following where the Spirit leads. I want to be able to look back on this decade as one of fruitfulness, one of personal growth, one of seized opportunities and life-changing experiences. I hope this month I will be able to look back and look forward and consider my life's trajectory and what my goals and mission should be for the next year and years. Life is short, but how you spend it can last forever. 

End of August last year posing with Tungsten

Challenges and Choices

Starting a new phase of life has never been easy for me. The transition from nursing student to nurse has been tough. Instead of feeling confident and sanguine, I have felt a disabling anxiety. Tomorrow I am starting work with a new home-care client and I know it won't be easy for me to adjust to the new responsibilities, routines, and the unique behavioral issues of my client. It also will be tough for my client to adjust to a new care-giver.

I am hoping that this opportunity will work out, but I am anxious that it might not. I have prayed that tomorrow I will be able to do my best and that my client will have a good day. Still, the anxiety remains. Trusting that whatever happens, God will be with me and will help me do all things through his strength is hard to do. But I have to make a choice not to worry, and instead to trust.

There are many things I can't control, but I can make this decision. Whether this particular job works out or not, God does have a good plan for my life. He is reliable and his promises are sure. I pray he will guide me in this new part of my life.

Suzanne: Writer of Purple Prose

When I was much younger I used to write stories on the computer. I wrote one about the daughter of a missionary who got kidnapped. I wrote another about a princess who was threatened with a marriage proposal from an evil prince and is offered help in this dilemma by a prince-in-disguise. I started a reworking of the story of Rapunzel, and plotted out  a romantic story about a princess who was promised in marriage to a egotistical newly-crowned King but falls for his younger twin brother who actually turns out to have been born first. Yeah I was big on melodrama.

I had big plans to write a sprawling story told from the perspective of Cinderella's stepsister telling what really happened, namely that Cinderella was a spoiled brat who maligned her step-sisters and step-mother. I was about ten pages into this tale, full of flowery prose, and romantic descriptions when I discovered that my brother had a written an ending for it in which a secondary character, the love interest of one of the stepsisters came to call and, in a state of rage and insanity, shoots every member and creature  in the household with his blunderbuss and then turns on himself, killing all except for "the stupid cricket that kept" the narrator "awake at night." It ended "Oh well, I'm dead anyways." After this assassination of all of my well-realized characters, I stopped writing the story. I think it was because I realized it was ripe for ridicule A couple of years later I showed it to my younger sister who wrote a satirical addition that was side-splittingly funny, mainly because it spoofed the most flowery and romantic and idiosyncratic lines in my story.  In my senior year of highschool I wrote a short tale for a short story assignment that was narrated by Cinderella's stepsister and focused on the royal ball and its aftermath. It was basically how I planned my original story to end. 

Last week my mom challenged me to start writing something fictional again. I had a lot of free time and most of my family was away. I decided I wanted to finish my story about Cinderella as originally envisioned. So I rewrote and added to my previous writing and tacked on the ending I had already written from my school assignment. Although I enjoyed the process, I can't say I am particularly proud of the end result. After my mom had read the story, which she pronounced "cute," I showed her my first draft of the story with John and Rachel's endings. She laughed so hard she started crying, and stated that I should have left it with Rachel's ending. I am inclined to agree. 

I wonder what a mature well-crafted story from me would look like?

The Dying Art of Gratitude

I must admit I have tendencies to pessimism and have been known for embellishments that make my hard-luck stories sound even worse. And at a time when a door of opportunity has just been unceremoniously slammed in my face, I could easily make a list of things I am worried or concerned about. However I have instead challenged myself to create a list of things I am thankful for, detailing at least thirty things:

 

I am thankful:

1. to be a citizen of Canada where I have freedom and many opportunities as well as a comfortable standard of living

2.  for my parents who have supported me through two post-secondary degrees and through times of illness and depression

3.  for my sisters and brother who are all amazing people and add joy to my life

4. for my excellent liberal arts education and subsequent nursing diploma

5. for the joy that chocolate brings to my life

6. for the beauty of the natural world

7. for friendships both those that have endured and ones that are in the past

8. for wonderful books that have transported me to fictional worlds and enlarged my horizons

9. for the incredible patience of God and his mercy

10. for the ability to dream and envision the future

11. for romantic comedies even if I am the only one who really enjoys them in my family

12. for my friend Michelle who is God's gift to me

13. for opportunities to work in health care and the possibility of  finding my niche

14. for physical health and strength, even if I am unable to do a chin-up or run a mile

15. for improved mental health

16. for my church family and pastor 

17. for my Dutch-Canadian heritage 

18. for the opportunity to know all of my grandparents and the ninety years my Oma has lived

19. for the enjoyment that writing brings me

20. for my academic ability and achievements

21. for the joy of baking and eating my decadent creations

22. for second chances and new opportunities

23. for times of laughter and hilarity

24. for the gift that God gave to the world in sending his Son and the eternal life he brings

25. for my nephews and niece who I will get to see again this summer

26. for the gift of singleness

27. for the journey through darkness that has shaped me a person and made me aware of the light

28. for the joys of being a woman including the capacity to nurture new life

29. for my car which is still drivable and only a little dented

30. for over thirty years of life

A Lady of Leisure

The last two weeks or so have not involved a lot of work. The shift nursing job that was supposed to give me thirty plus hours a week ended up fizzling out into nothing after one shift due to a client's hospitalization. I requested other assignments, but for over a week I had zero shifts and no work from my second job either. So I became a woman with a lot of extra time on her hands. I'd like to say I packed it with meaningful activities and purposeful living, but the reality is I did a smattering of cooking and baking and housework, enjoyed some time reading and watching tv, got a little bit of exercise, and got a lot of extra sleep.

So would I enjoy having unlimited leisure time? Probably not. Sometimes to appreciate the time off, you have to put in a good day's work first to make it more enjoyable. Also not earning any money is problematic and my next pay day is going to be painful experience. 

I got hired for a third nursing position this week and today got asked to work with a new home care client two days a week, so I am hoping that I will soon be a relatively productive member of society. With three positions, all of which involve learning new things and adapting to new workplaces, I think my stress level will be quite high for the next couple of months. Still, if I can push through it, perhaps the next time I have a holiday, planned rather than unexpected, I will enjoy it to the full.

Embarking on a Nursing Career

Right now I am writing a blog post instead of composing a cover letter... Now that is the power of procrastination!

I have many excuses for the lack of productivity on my Wednesday evenings: I have put in a busy day as a PSW beginning at 9 am and ending at 5 pm. I am tired. I have all morning and most of the afternoon tomorrow to work on applications. I am entitled to an evening off now and then. Did I mention my state of utter exhaustion?

Yeah job searching is one of those activities that you need to force yourself to make time for. It is supposed to be a full-time job, but I already work about thirty-five hours a week, mornings, afternoons, and evenings and I know I don't invest nearly enough time into my search for my first nursing job. And then there is the advice that I really should be spending time networking and using contacts to find a job.

I guess I could already be working as a nurse in home care, if I accepted a position with the company I work for as a PSW. But I have my heart set on a position in long term care, and I would rather work as a part of a team than go to clients on my own and struggle with the huge learning curve of the novice nurse solo. I would have training and support I know, but my courage fails at the thought of so much independence and responsibility. But any nursing job will require a great deal of independence and responsibility, so maybe it is just more excuses for not taking a leap into the unknown.

Maybe I find nursing an attractive career in the abstract, but the concrete form of an actual nursing job is for me a little frightening. I need to find some confidence and go for it, like Julie Andrew's Maria did in The Sound of Music. I hope I can muster up some courage for my first job interview as a RPN on Monday and then I hope I can go boldly into the future as a registered practical nurse ready to work in the health care field and to make a positive difference in the lives of the people I encounter. Because I have confidence in me! And because I need to trust that God will direct my steps and lead me into the job I have been praying for and training for.

1 Corinthians 13
New International Version (NIV)
1 Corinthians 13

1 If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor or surrender my body to the flames,[b] but have not love, I gain nothing.

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12 For now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.


The moment that you realize you are morally and spiritually bankrupt or, perhaps, more like impoverished (along the lines of poor, blind, pitiful and naked), is the moment that you have looked in the mirror and not liked the person staring back at you. It is the time you recognize that possess little faith, and less hope, and still less the type of love spoken of in this passage you are able to recite word for word from memory. You realize you want to be worthy, or made worthy, not worthy of believing what you have in the past professed, but worthy of having once believed; you want to have been transformed into a worthy personage, now meriting divine love. You know that underneath it all you are angry, embittered about the failure of the contract you thought you had written in stone by the finger of God. You acknowledge you are in desperate need of grace, but you don't know if you can accept it from a God who you have failed to love with all your heart, soul, mind and strength. In the end the person staring back at you is a person who is not worthy, but who might be able to accept a free gift, a person who could potentially possess purified gold, but who at the moment remains wretched.

Update on a new year

So it is pretty sad when you are half way into February and you have yet to post something on your blog for 2012. I am busy working in home care as a personal support worker, but it is not like I don't have lots of free time. The latest news... I am now debt-free and ... yesterday I found out that I had passed my CNO RPN examination! I will be an RPN just as soon as they process my registration (that I have yet to mail in). So now I need to be job searching for a position as a registered practical nurse. In other news, next week my mom is going to Kenya. During her two week absence my sister Christina has agreed to take over many of the household chores, because soon she will be going to China and she wants to earn some money. And my other sister is going to Amsterdam for her reading week. Soon I will be the least traveled member of my family. But I will also be the only nurse!

Graduation

I had my graduation ceremony and received my Practical Nursing diploma last week. I am glad to be done my schooling and appreciated having my parents at my graduation. They got me roses, gave me a pearl ring from the Philippines, wrote out a special card,and took the family out for dinner. This is my second post secondary graduation, and it wasn't as special as the first one, but it still is a nice feeling. I will write my exam in January and once I get the results I will be an official nurse in search of a nursing job!

A Heart Grown Cold

When I was younger and hearing Old Testament Bible stories, I wondered how in the span or a generation (or less) God's people could turn away and pursue other gods. The cyclical nature of their relationship with God baffled me. Why didn't they learn from their history that to turn away from God meant disaster, while following him brought blessing? Again and again they were unfaithful, but when they cried out to God for deliverance he rescued them.

I don't find their disobedience so hard to understand any more. That's because I go through periods when my heart is far from God and I am merely going through the motions of a Christian life. I have been going through such a period for some time now. I wouldn't define it as a dark night of the soul, though I have experienced that before. I would call it a time of spiritual barrenness and lassitude. My prayers are few and are either crisis prayers or monologues to God about what is wrong between me and him and how I don't believe it can change. I may occasionally pray for others, but my prayers lack conviction.

I want to have some epiphany, some shining moment that will turn things around and change the course of my life. I know that the times I have felt closest to God have been times when I am ill and need to rely on him. But I don't want to be ill.

In church I sing the repetitive choruses, but I don't feel anything, no spark of connection, no sense of awe. The Bible fails to excite me or motivate me. I am numb to its transforming power. I feel no thirst or hunger, only an emptiness.

So now I understand how God's people could hear of God's mighty acts of deliverance or witness it themselves and still turn away. I know what it is to have a heart grown cold, hard as a stone. What I don't understand is how God could continue to show himself faithful to such a faithless people. Was the cost of redemption worth the lacklustre results?

I have been told that Christ would have gone to the cross even if it could only save one person, even if it could only restore me, and me alone, to God. But now I wonder if he is as frustrated as I am at this cycle of futility. What will it take to turn my hardened heart into a heart of flesh and to breathe new life into these dry bones? Maybe just a willingness to cry out to him for deliverance... a desperation for him. A simple remedy, so why is it so difficult?

Life These Days

Since last post, I have had another birthday, begun a job search, and started working in the health-care field. Right now my job is part-time in home care, but probably I will eventually build up more clients. I work evenings and weekends and also some mornings, with every other weekend off. I also have a second job I haven't started yet, also in home care.

I won't be a RPN until sometime in the New Year, after I pass my College of Nurses of Ontario exam. I am glad to have a job in the meantime, although I am also glad that this is a temporary stage on the way to becoming a full-fledged nurse.

I need to find a good work/life balance. I am trying to take a walk every day. I haven't started studying for my exam in January yet, but once in a while I try a question in my Practice Manual and I always get them right! I am not sure when I will start studying... I have been advised to start sooner rather than later.

I am still getting used to my job, but I enjoy my clients and it is great to help them in their homes and make a difference in their lives.

My Final Week!

Today I started my final week of Pregrad. Tomorrow I have my Evaluation and on Wednesday I will have my last day. I have one assignment left and three hours at school on Friday and then I will be officially done my time training as a Practical Nurse. I will graduate in October and I have elected to take my final College of Nurses exam in January rather than in September, meaning I won't be able to work as a Practical Nurse immediately.

Before I plunge into my job search I am taking a couple of weeks of vacation. I have been in school since January 2010 so some time off without thinking about school will be great. I just have to find enough enjoyable vacation-like things to do, so I am not wasting my leisure time.

I am feeling better about nursing as a career and I am glad that there are many options in this field of work. I am still not sure what area interests me the most; I do appreciate long term care and working with the elderly. Although I am finishing my studies at Mohawk, I have so much left to learn as I begin my nursing career. I am excited I made it this far.



A random picture from my sister's birthday earlier this summer. Summer has flown by!



My nephew, niece and newest nephew looking adorable.

A Solitary Weekend

I have the weekend off from my nursing endeavours and I have the house to myself. I may have a couple of people over at some point, but three of my family members have gone to visit my new nephew, Ethan David who was born a week ago, and the other family member is off to Montreal for a fun-filled weekend.

I actually had a very good day today and am satisfied with a job well done. Next week I have the evening shift, so I am looking forward to being able to sleep past 5:15 am. I almost overslept a couple of times this past week, as my alarm didn't wake me because the radio was softer than the noise of the fan I had on full blast. Thankfully I got to work on time, because I woke up half an hour later by myself on Monday morning, and was woken up by my Dad Thursday morning. He was surprised that the first word out of my mouth was a swear word. Oops!

I picked up some movies from the library, but, according to my discerning sister, none of them are any good. Thankfully I never let the lameness of a romantic comedy detract from my enjoyment of it. Other than that I will do some lounging around the pool, sipping cool drinks, and reading one of The Number One Ladies' Detective Agency books, and will also complete necessary tasks like laundry, ironing, and watering the garden plants.

It should be a decent weekend, although I'd rather be in Saskatchewan, meeting my newest adorable nephew.

A Life Fulfilled

I am a person who likes routines, even if life becomes slightly monotonous and stale. I mean, I don't go out seeking excitement on a Friday night. I like predictability and stability. But sometimes I wonder... what is my life all about?

I have been told that I tend to be overly focused on myself and if I would look outwards and love the people around me, I would be much happier and more fulfilled. Navel gazing isn't particularly beneficial, especially if accompanied by self-flagulation.

I guess I'd like to be more focused on others, and in the profession I have chosen there is a lot of potential to develop in that direction. To be an effective nurse, you must be focused on the patient and put your own concerns aside.

Sadly, selfishness comes much more naturally to me than selflessness. I am reminded of Jesus' words that Eugene Peterson paraphrases so starkly, "If you don't go all the way with me, through thick and thin, you don't deserve me. If your first concern is to look after yourself, you'll never find yourself. But if you forget about yourself and look to me, you'll find both yourself and me." These words hold a promise that if I lose my life in following Christ and serving others, I will find it. That will be a life fulfilled, and a life filled with love, no matter how routine it may appear. Somehow I don't think a sold-out life could be monotonous.

A New Challenge

This past week I wrote my last test at Mohawk College. Now I will start my eight-week pregrad experience. I will be working in long term care with the elderly and I need to clock 300 hours. All my shifts are either days or evenings and are eight hours long.

I am quite apprehensive about this new challenge. Yesterday I bought some new scrubs and new shoes. I wish that confidence was on sale! I guess I'll just have to gain some confidence through getting more experience as a nurse.

Another Summer in School

After two weeks off, I am getting ready to head back to school for my final semester of Practical Nursing. Last week I found out my good friend and study buddy would not be around for this summer after all, but would be taking her final semester in the fall. I will definitely miss her, and contemplated working this summer instead of taking school, but decided finding a summer job on such short notice might be a bit tough.
Spending another summer in school means that I have been in school since January 2010without any fourth month break to rejuvenate me or summer job to restore my bank account. I will be busy until August 19 with semester and pregrad experience, and then I will have my exam in September. I think the toughest part will be when my sister, nephew, and niece come to visit for a couple of weeks and I have to be studying full-time when I'd rather be spending more time with them. At the same time I am really looking forward to them coming. We have a family wedding and a camping trip coming up.
On the plus side, I like school, even if I find the clinical experience stressful. Also I will get done that much sooner and enter the workforce as a Practical Nurse sooner. I even have been given an unexpected bursery so I will be less in debt. I won't be earning money or enjoying much vacation time this summer, but finishing the program will be a great accomplishment I can celebrate at the end of August.

On Death and Life

On this, the day before we celebrate Jesus' resurrection, after having commemorated his death on a hill outside Jerusalem two thousand years ago, I am thinking about death and about life. As a Christian, part of me is supposed to have died along with Jesus and another part is supposed to have been raised to life. While there is a deadness, a barrenness, a dryness inside of me, my old sinful nature seems very much alive and while evidence of Jesus' resurrection life, the new self, seems reluctant to emerge from where it is cocooned.

I desire a new life, a vitality, a spiritual rebirth, but I am afraid. I fear both the death and the life that is required. Sometimes I think about Jesus' words. There are some comforting ones like "Come to me all who are weary and heavy-laden" and "No one can snatch them (believers) out of my Father's hand." There are words of hope and grace. But then there are the demanding ones like "Be perfect as your Heavenly Father is perfect" or "If any one would come after me, he must deny himself take up his cross and follow me." I ponder the fate of the ten foolish virgins or the servant who hid his talent, or I remember Christ's words that not every one who says to him "Lord, Lord" will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of his Father in heaven. Jesus had harsh words for the hypocrites and for those who thought they had no need of grace. When I think of Jesus' more difficult words and the cost of discipleship, I second-guess the boundaries of his grace and I ponder the prospect of Christ as judge. Does he really accept me?

This weekend, I prayed that Jesus who suffered on the cross to pay the debt of my sin, would change and renew me and transform me. I prayed that it wouldn't depend on me, but on him. I felt a sense of peace and confidence that he who began a good work in me, would bring it to completion. The parts of me that must die, will die, the dry bones will be brought to life, and the new self will come forth, as Christ burst forth from the grave.

The End is Near

Only five months remain of my program and so far I am surviving. As usual I am concerned (actually worried is more accurate) how my clinical placement will go. And not looking forward to two group projects coming up. This part of the semester will be more of a challenge due to a greater volume of work and a tiredness that seems to be creeping over me. There is so much I don't know yet and it can be overwhelming. We are learning a new way of documentation by computer at the hospital.

I finished a clinical rotation that was challenging in other ways. Psychiatric facilities aren't my favourite places to be and it is sad to see how sick some of the patients are.

In view of how little I have been blogging lately, I wonder if the end is near also for this blog? Can new life be breathed into it, or should it go the way of all the earth?

Disorganized

Today I finally got around to filling in my wall calendar for this semester. And it is *only* January 26th. I have two group projects and numerous assignments due in the coming weeks. I have never been this disorganized and it is starting to stress me out. On Monday I have three tests. I am not sure how I will make it through to the end of February let alone the end of April. Somehow my motivation is lacking. And the class work is the easy part for me... clinical is much more demanding and challenging. Let's hope I can pull up my socks!

Uninspired

I haven't been inspired lately to write on this blog. And I haven't been all that inspired by life either. I've been busy with nursing school, and I am now halfway through. I have about three weeks off now, and I am contemplating restarting a crocheting project again so I have more to do than Christmas baking and eating of Christmas baking.

This time of year I miss Grandpa and Grandma who have been gone now for three years. Lately I have been feeling a little on the melancholy side. It is easy to forget how far I've come. It is easy to focus on what I don't have.

Christmas time is a time to remember how God became incarnate as a baby and what this gift meant to the world. Grant that I can see it again with eyes of wonder and be filled with joy.

My First Twelve-Hour Clinical Day

I feel an immense sense of my relief to have survived my first clinical day. I had built it up as this enormous worry in my mind and I was terrified I would be found incompetent like the emperor who had no clothes. It turns out I did have some trouble with my assessments especially the cardiac one after I couldn't quite hear the apical pulse, but my teacher said my notes were like that of a medical student and didn't have to be that detailed. I am not completely happy with how I managed my time or performed my assessments, but the important thing is I made it through and I can try again!

Of Wound Care and IVs

As the second part of second semester begins, I have serious doubts about my ability to survive in the intense clinical environment. I will endure a twelve hour shift in which I have to churn out a complete Gordon's Assessment as well as complete and document an abdominal assessment, respiratory and cardiac assessment, and a peripheral vascular assessment, along with regular patient care tasks and documentation. My handwritten notes on the Gordon's Assessment will be photocopied and have to be both legible and detailed.

It is one thing to learn about the theory of things like wound care and monitoring IVs and quite another to put into practice along with every other relevant thing you have learned. Knowing what to do in an urgent situation and applying what you've learned on the fly demands excellent critical thinking and a good dose of confidence.

All I can say is I need something miraculous to get me through the next six weeks.

Ready for a Breather

At the peak overlooking Dundas with two sisters and an almost-sister.


I am halfway through my second semester of Practical Nursing and about to start my third clinical placement. But first I have a week off. There is quite a long to do list to complete before the week is out, but hopefully I will also get some good relaxation in.

I am qualified to administer medications now, and I have been learning about respiratory and cardiac assessments. In the second part of second semester I will be learning about wound care. Academically I am doing well, but although I had a good report from my clinical teacher, I feel I have a lot of room for improvement in my clinical skills which will come with practice, I hope.

Life as a nursing student can be a challenge. The workload is heavy, even with a reduced courseload. It is hard to get the right balance and to maintain a social life outside of school. This coming week I will visit a friend I haven't seen since August, before she had her baby.

I am a good student, but I want to translate that into being the best nurse I can be. I hope that by the end of the year, I will be a more confident and competent nursing student and put into practice all I have been studying.

Of Ruins and Renovations

The words echo in my mind, "Remember the height from which you have fallen." Jesus' words to the church in Ephesus, I recall, flipping to the back of my Bible. I wonder if these words apply to me. Have I forsaken my first love?

It is true I have been finding less and less time to spend with God, and that the long services at church frequently leave me in a state of half-hearted worship, wishing for the service to end. I am more often in a state of worry and anxiety than in a state of calm trust in God. My infrequent prayers are generally me promising God I will renew my devotion to him, which I am aware has lapsed as of late.

So maybe I am in a state of free-fall, plummeting towards the earth. But how do I change my heart and my attitude? How will a repentance be more than hollow words spoken out of guilt?

I want to be someone who lives what they profess to believe, but the disconnect is worsening, and the chasm between where I want to be and where I am is widening.

The truth is that I don't believe my own prayers. If it depends on me and my will-power and my ability to change myself I will never get there. I need an inner transformation, a renovation of my mind, a revolution in my habits. I need God to change me.

The thing is he has promised me a new heart, a renewed mind, a new self. The words are there written in my Bible. So why the disconnect, why the multi-layered guilt, why the impoverished spirit, when the riches are already mine by Christ's finished work on the cross? If there is now no condemnation, why do I feel like one of those condemned ruins about to be flattened?

Do I trust in Christ or am I like a wave tossed by the sea? Is his work enough or must I add to it?

Please take me, God, and mold me like clay. Please move into my house and renovate it. Fix the structural damage. Throw out the junk I have been holding onto and organize the clutter. Redecorate it so it is beautiful again. Restore me, renew me, transform me. I don't want to live in the squalor of broken dreams and empty promises.

Thanksgiving

The world is charged with the grandeur of God, as Gerard Manley Hopkins once began a wonder-filled poem. It is in evidence in the variegated beauty of the fall foliage and even in the delightful tastes of a Thanksgiving feast. This Thanksgiving we enjoyed time with family, heaping platefuls of delectable dishes, and a hike to the Dundas Peak where we saw a panoramic view of Dundas valley clothed in yellows, reds, oranges, and greens. Even in the rain with seemingly hundreds of fellow walkers, it was a spectacle worth the hike.

In honour of Thanksgiving here is an incomplete list of things I am thankful for:

1. My lovely and loving family who continue to put up with my foibles with admirable grace.
2. My health and strength, both mentally and physically.
3. The opportunity to study nursing, even if I complain about the rigours and the challenges.
4. God's continual grace in my life and my church family who help channel that grace to me.
5. An overabundance of good food to eat.
6. The freedom I enjoy both as a citizen of Canada and citizen of God's kingdom.
7. The stunning beauty of the world created for us to enjoy.
8. My ability to think and to write down my thoughts intelligently.
9. A warm and cozy house to live in with my own room and space, even if I don't always keep it tidy.
10. My adorable nephew and niece who are two little miracle children.

Moments of non-brilliance

Yeah I guess we all have these moments, when we don't think through the implications or the consequences of our actions. But that I should have two such moments in one day makes me a little red-faced.

Today I walked into a room with contact precautions without gown or gloves. The patient was the one to point it out to me. Somehow I hadn't noted the sign on the door, and I helped open all her breakfast items before I was informed of my omission. It is all the worse because I had worked with the patient before, and used the gown and gloves, donning and doffing each time I entered or exited the room.

If that was all, maybe I could shrug it off like a badly fitting coat. But no, in helping another student with her respiratory and abdominal assessments, I committed the ultimate crime. Her patient also had contact precautions and I carried in some papers and a book to help with the assessment, and then, I PLACED THEM ON A BEDSIDE TABLE! Also my fellow student had papers she was writing on on that table. Somehow we hadn't thought of contaminated papers and books that couldn't be properly cleaned afterwards.

A nurse informed us of our error and our teacher was also notified of it, and later asked us to talk about it at post-conference. We both felt a little foolish, because it hadn't occurred to us until we were cleaning our stethoscopes that our papers couldn't be similarly disinfected.

Chalk it up to a misfiring of critical thinking skills, and a lesson learned the hard way. This red-faced nursing student will be thinking through each action and its implications from now on, especially with contact precautions!

Happy Birthday Christina!

To my favourite teenager and a most excellent sister, Happy Fourteenth Birthday! You are a mature, talented, intelligent, and athletic young person and an awesome human being! I love you, I'm proud of you, and I am so glad to have you as my sister. May God bless you in the year and years ahead. Time goes so quickly; it doesn't seem that long ago you were a precocious two year-old who was the cutest little person around.

Movies Worth Re-viewing

Unlike my father, who never wants to see a movie a second time, I love rewatching movies and I have viewed some movies over twenty-five times. Here's a list of movies I've viewed over and over again, with a rationale for why it is worth rewatching.

* The Princess Bride * The amount of quotable lines in this movie defies description and are suitable for many occasions, including weddings: "Marwiage, Marwiage is what brwings us together today...", graduation parties: "Truly you have a dizzying intellect..." wedding rehearsal parties: "that drweam within a drweam.", and any occasion you want to quote movies inanely: "Hello my name is Inego Montega you killed my father, prepare to die." The mix of comedy, action, romance, and revenge plots is delightful, and who can resist Fred Savage?

* Ever After * Okay, perhaps this movie can be watched too many times; when you start to be able to watch the movie scene by scene in your head, there is your first clue. But the retelling of Cinderella still has the power to touch and inspire even after you finished your fifth or your fifteenth viewing.

* Two Weeks Notice * This is a movie I usually view with my two youngest sisters and Sandra Bullock makes this romantic comedy a reviewing pleasure, and Hugh Grant brings something to the table as well.

* Shanghai Noon * This is my favourite Jackie Chan movie and also my favourite Owen Wilson movie. East Meets West and outlaws rescue a princess as many fall to the Shanghai Kid's unique fighting skills.

* Miss Congeniality * From its memorable lesson in self defense as a woman, to the climatic pandemonium at the Miss United States pageant ending in an exploding tiera, continuously narrated by the show-must-go-on host played by William Shatner, to the transformation of FBI's Gracy Hart to pageant runner-up Mary Lou Freebush, played exquisitely by Sandra Bullock, to the plug for world peace, Miss Congeniality is watch-again comedic gold.

* The Proposal * I would have watched this movie many more times, but I lent to it to my sister after only the seventh viewing. I love Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds together and I love the plot, the comedy, and the final scene.

* Benny and Joon * This movie is funny, touching, and slightly offbeat. I still want to try making grilled cheese with a clothes iron.

* Pride and Prejudice * the 1995 miniseries. The times I have viewed this is probably over a dozen, but each time I am enthralled by the story, the performances, and the delightful combination of Colin Firth as Mr. Darcy.

* A Walk to Remember * I include this movie, not because I want to see it again; I've probably reached my saturation point; but because one summer I was obsessed with it and watched it every occasion from work heat days to times alone on a Friday night. It introduced me to Switchfoot one of my favourite bands, and I became a fan of Shane West and also decided Mandy Moore was convincing as Jamie Sullivan.

* Dead Poet's Society * This is one of the few Robin Williams movies I actually like, aside from Mrs. Doubtfire. It always makes me cry before the final scene and at the final scene, and inspires me to suck the marrow out of life.

Well, I could go on about equally re-watchable movies such as Fried Green Tomatoes, The Shawshank Redemption, and The Notebook, but I must end this post as it is past my bedtime.

Wind-blown and Wondering

The leaf, blown and tossed by the wind, torn from the branch, and whirling down the alleyway... My life's momentum, carrying me where I fear to go, and in a direction I question as if my future is somewhere inscribed in tea leaves or on my palm, written on some golden tablets on a sacred mountain I have yet to climb.

David said that all his days were written in God's book before any of them came to be, and elsewhere in the Bible it says God has determined the times set for nations and the exact places where they would live, but where does that leave human sin, peoples' faltering attempts to discern where they should go, humans' ill-advised leaps into the unknown places where perhaps they ought not to have gone?

Is it enough to say that everywhere you go, God will be there? That everything you are called to do, you will be equipped to perform? Is God's Spirit guiding you and hedging you in, and, much like Balaam's donkey, is He ready to articulate a warning if you are heading into danger? Does everything in your life have a purpose, everything fitting together like some intricate puzzle, everything woven into a tapestry of which you can only see the tangled underside?

Can I trust that I am not headed down some rabbit-trail, down some dead-end alley where I will encounter all my old enemies once again? Am I mistrusting myself and my discernment or am I really displaying a lack of faith in God and his promises? That he and I can't face anything together and ultimately triumph?

Stress and Me

Stress and I are like oil and water, we don't mix well. I like to know what is going to happen ahead of time so I psych myself up for it and make contingency plans for possible things that may go wrong.

Worry and I are old companions who spend a lot of time together. My anxiety barometer quickly rises in response to a perceived threat and my nerves get on the edge, prompting my civility and reasonableness to take a corresponding plunge.

I don't like being a worry-wart. I don't like what pressure does to my sense of peace and my centeredness. I don't like my sense of courtesy going out the window. I don't like being busy all the time, revved high, and I hate not spending any quality time with God throughout the week.

I think I have to readjust my priorities. I naturally put school first, but maybe I should write some other things in stone on my schedule. Like pick a time in the day to spend with God, pick half an hour to get some brisk walking in during my busy day, and find some kind of social outlet. Right now I have next to nothing, because my old friends are busy with motherhood. Thankfully I have a study buddy at school, but most of what we do is school related. Now that I don't have Facebook I can't maintain the illusion of being connected to my friends' lives, despite never seeing them.

Another thing is, it would be good to help out more around the family home. Like make dinner at least once a week and do a couple of loads of laundry or some cleaning. If it weren't for my mother cooking every day and cleaning my clothes, I would be a lot busier and also less nourished and less tidy-looking. But I should be doing more to help out than I do.

I can't understand the people who fit an amazing amount of accomplishments in one 24 hour day and are also well-rested. I don't understand how my class-mates can fit in caring for their kids and maintaining their homes on top of their courseload, which is higher than mine right now. I don't comprehend those people who thrive on busyness and love being out every night of the week.

As for me, I am happy to stay home on the weekends and watch a movie or read a good book or do some baking or crocheting... that is relaxing and some movies and books can even be cathartic. Yeah I do lead quite the charmed single life! But then a relationship would just be another stresser, even if it was the good kind of stress!

Why God Loves Me

God doesn't love me because I am better than some other people.
God doesn't love me for what I've done for him, or for what I will do.
God doesn't love me for the purity of my heart, though he wants to make it pure.
God doesn't love me for the beauty of my spirit, though he desires to beautify it.
God doesn't love me because of all my knowledge about him.
God doesn't love me for my excellent theological sensibilities.
God doesn't love me because I know all the catch phrases a Christian can use.
God doesn't love me because I can recite certain passages of Scripture from memory.
God doesn't love me because I attempt to love other people in my life.
God doesn't love me because I can write something pretty about the Christian walk.
God doesn't love me for my humility, whether true or false.
God doesn't love me because I can sing about being fully devoted to him.

God loves me and, long before I was conceived, God planned to redeem me.
God loves me and His Son died for me, paid for all of my sin, and healed me of all my diseases.
God loves me and, when he looks at me, he sees me through Jesus and his righteousness, and he sees someone who is purified and cleansed and made holy.
God loves me, and he has made me a new creation, restoring the image that was distorted. He loves me and he has made me alive in Christ. The same power that raised Jesus from the dead is now at work in me.
God loves me undeservedly, through no merit of my own, and he gives me favour and grace so that I can approach him with freedom and confidence.

Why does the Creator of the Universe and the Almighty God, who called worlds into being, lavish this gracious love on me?
My Creator, who fashioned my inmost parts, loves me because I am his child. My Redeemer, who calls me by name, wants me to remain in his love and bear much fruit. My Comforter, who lives within me, wants to guide me into the way of truth.

Am I ready to accept this love and have it fill me up to overflowing?

Of Studies and Self-Seeking

Now, after the crisis and the denouement, I find it easy to revert back to old habits and the old ways of living. I find it easy to focus on getting my tasks done as a student and, if there is time left over, I have many other things I may spend time doing other than speaking with God and seeking him. I come to the end of the day and realize we haven't really been communing throughout the day and I haven't even begun the day with an awareness of my time as a gift from God. I finish the day with a short reading from Scripture and minimalist prayer in which I fall asleep mid-thought.

I guess if you don't schedule some one on one time with God, you will always find something more urgent or more exciting to do. And you will lose your hunger and thirst for something extraordinary and become content again with a routine that pushes God to the margins of your day, instead of being in the center.

You will feel you don't really need him in the day to day moments of your life, as you feel increasingly confident in your own ability to master the challenges you face on your own steam. Eventually you may forget the thrill of finding God and having him meet your deep need for wholeness and healing, as you sink into the sea of self-obsession from whence you have already been rescued a number of times.

But now that I see myself as a potential drowning victim, I am sure I don't have to continue in this pattern or fall back to this trajectory. God has promised not to let me go, even if I am losing sight of him. I remain committed to following after him, and I will continue to inch forward, despite falling back in the opposite direction. I don't need to become like those self-flagellants, mired in guilt and shame, and I can know that God is celebrating every step I take toward his purposes, and that his love for me is deeper than the deepest ocean and it is more than enough to rescue me from myself, my sin, and my shame.

Ancient Willow with Gracefully Aging Parents

But the godly will flourish like palm trees
and grow strong like the cedars of Lebanon
For they are transplanted to the LORD's own
house.
They flourish in the courts of our God.
Even in old age they will still produce fruit;
they will remain vital and green.
They will declare, "The LORD is just!
He is my rock!
There is no evil in him!"

Psalm 92:12-15, New Living Translation

This morning we were blessed with another great service that began with this psalm of David and proceeded into praise, and continued with a message about this season and how we are to bear fruit and reach out to bless others, even as we receive into ourselves the sustenance from the flow within us, while we remain in the vine and in God's love. Without Christ we can do nothing! But with him we can do all things!

I took this photo this Labour Day near Confederation Park with my new camera, the first digital one I have had. I love willow trees and this is a particularly fine one.

Life Without Facebook

It's been some time since I got rid of my Facebook account. Mostly I am glad to be rid of it, but with some friendships it was one of my only life-lines and connections. I am pretty sure those friendships were already dying and were on life support through keeping up with various statuses and commenting on various photos. It gave the illusion we were still connected, however tenuously.

Once your friend marries, you know you are entering a new phase of friendship and it will be harder to connect. When she and her husband have their firstborn child, well, you are lucky if you even talk regularly, because her life is so wrapped up in her baby's, she has a difficult time going out, visits are hard to schedule, and the young mother may feel pressured that you even suggest getting together. You have less in common all the time, because how could you know what it is like to be both a mother and a wife and what do you understand about feeding schedules and solid food introductions? In these cases, fading out of the picture is the kind thing to do.

I used to follow all my friends' status updates. Some of my friends I didn't even know very well at all, but the ones that posted a lot of status updates I got know some version of them. I always commented on the first photos of the new babies, and I would comment on wedding and engagement photos too.

Facebook increased my dissatisfaction with my own life and increased my feelings of envy with whoever's cute new baby, new home, or redone living room I happened to be viewing. Facebook filled my time with little of actual value, but I had to log in several times a day because I had to keep up with the feed. I updated my status too often and always tried to make it sound interesting, even if my life was actually rather boring at the time.

At a time when I needed to decrease my stimulation and center my self, getting rid of Facebook was the obvious decision. Then too, nurses have to consider what image they are portraying to a potential employer, and it is less complicated without Facebook.

I miss knowing what some of my former classmates are up to, and connecting with my new classmates, but now I have the gift of more free time, the side benefit of having less feelings of envy, and the ability to just live my life and not constantly think up status updates and image boosters. I have more time to blog, more time to exercise, more time to do homework, and more time to read. I have lost some social utility, but I have gained a healthier lifestyle and a freer soul.

Peanut Butter Filcher and Boredom-Induced Chocoholic

It only takes a short time to fall back into a bad habit. I am back to eating when I am bored and when there is no one around. I eat peanut butter with a spoon. I filch chocolate chips and eat hunks of cheese with crackers. I am not actually hungry, but I crave chocolate.

My chocolate obsession began early. I was known to do anything for a piece of chocolate cake. I have a mini chocolate gift book from one sister and a chocolate recipe book from another with glossy photos of decadent creations. My sister thought I could just stare at the photos and get inner satisfaction, but it is my dream to make the most extravagantly exquisite cheesecake in the whole book, the one that requires a whole bag of caramels and many garnishes to make it as perfect as it is in the photo.

I stopped eating chocolate once. After awhile I didn't even want it anymore. Everything was just too sweet because I was off very sugary things. That season of Lent I lost twenty pounds of excess weight. Oh to be svelte and slender again!

Actually I don't want to be quite as slender as then. But less rotund would be nice... The thing is the more you obsess about it the less likely you are to succeed. Maybe I should just exercise more and stop snacking when I am not actually hungry. Yeah... if I had the willpower to do that, I would still fit into those jeans I am hanging onto just in case.

The Second Time Around

Right now I am repeating material from the first two weeks of the first time I started second semester. It is not as overwhelming this time, because I've gone through it all before, plus I have less classes to contend with. Still I am supposed to be very busy and I still have reviewing to do and preparations for each class.

My clinical teacher is new to the program, but seems very competent and also kind. I think she will be tough, but fair. My clinical group appears to be a good mix of people too.

I am getting enough sleep and rest and I am still exercising as much as I can fit into my schedule. So far so good. Volunteering went fairly well too, and I learned how to operate a popcorn machine... maybe I can be a street vendor if this doesn't work out for me!

Maybe next post I can post a picture I took with my new camera. It is one that is very simple to use, but I haven't figured it all out yet. My sis is going to give me lessons as needed.

School Again!

Tomorrow I reimmerse myself in the world of academics, skill practising, and patient care. I have to admit I am apprehensive about knowing what to do in crisis health situations and remembering my skills and critical thinking on the fly. A former nurse told me after the first ten times it will become instinctive and old hat and I hope that all I have learned will come back to me and I will know what to do.

I have Fridays off from school, but I think I will take that day to practice my skills in the Learning Resource Centre. I have a three-hour morning Monday class with an afternoon brief session of an hour, two days of clinical on Tuesday and Wednesday, and then an afternoon Thursday class which will require the largest amount of work to prepare for. Since I don't have Computers or Sociology, I have a somewhat reduced schedule.

I shouldn't worry about tomorrow, but so many things are unknown, I wonder how it will all work out. I hope I have a good clinical class and teacher and that we can work well as a team. This year I am also a volunteer for Mohawk, so Tuesday I will be busy all day with the festivities most likely.

Consider it Pure Joy

Trials, testings, and times when everything seems to go wrong don't seem to lend themselves to a joyful attitude. It sends me either to anger or towards a pity party or bitching session. But it must be possible to have the result of horrible injustices or persecution, such as I have never experienced, be pure joy.

The apostles and early church rejoiced that they were counted worthy to be persecuted for the Name. They knew the resurrection power of Christ, but also the might of the atonement on the cross and how it could change everything, beginning in the human heart. They were beaten and remained joyful and obedient.

My comfort is sometimes paramount in my decision-making process. I don't want to be afflicted and I won't share my true opinion to a hostile audience. I can soft-pedal or back-pedal or say something extremely vague. I can double-talk or say nothing at all. But some things are worth expressing an unpopular opinion about and some people deserve to be fought for, because they have no voice or cannot be heard.

Must I surrender my right to be comfortable, my right to remain silent, my right to put myself first? Is the grace I have received great enough that I can have grace for others who have wronged me or offended me?

CS Lewis said "The Weight of Glory" was a burden he felt in his life, that every person he met was either bound for a glorious future or a horrific one without hope and God. They were really Kings and Queens, no matter how humble or commonplace they appeared, or, alternatively, they would one day lose everything they had built on the wrong foundation.

Following One Day in Utter Suspense Accompanied by Worst Case Scenarios...

... I found out that I actually can register in the September semester! And now I am registered, and my weekend will be immensely improved... I was thinking I had to do some more of the old job hunting until January. Now I can rejoin my classmates and learn about medications, injections, IV's, and wound care, important skills to becoming a full-fledged nurse. I am so relieved! Now the work of improving my skills begins...

An Elegy to A Park That Is No More

Here are my nephew and I on our way to the park right across from our house. The swing sets are now torn out as of yesterday, the same day they tore out the soccer goal posts. I was glad Christina wasn't around to see that sad sight. The plan is to build a new play area in a different location after tearing out the old which isn't actually such an old park. There will also be a parking lot for the baseball folks and four baseball diamonds for young children, I assume, because the park isn't big enough for older players who can hit the ball further. What was once Seneca school has been torn down and will be replaced with 48 detached houses.

Alas, the park where I frolicked with Christina when she was a young toddler, back in my teenage years, will soon pass away. Alas, the swing sets I swung her in as a baby are now torn up. Alas, the field where she spent many carefree hours playing soccer is now piles of dirt with the poles ripped out of the ground. I think I said alas too many times, but I really don't know any synonyms. Needless to say, change is happening in our neighbourhood and we are going to have many new neighbours eventually, and a smaller park. On the bright side, both the parking lot and new houses are not going to be right next to our house.

Of Curveballs and Lemonade

Suddenly everything is up in the air with me and everything is about to be rearranged in a different order, depending how things land and the velocity of the wind. In other words, a person may make plans, but God directs her steps. I don't really know why everything had to fall apart in order to be rearranged, but at least I know the interior designer has the best of intentions and life isn't over until you actually kick the bucket.

I think I have more things to accomplish and more life to live, so I am going to sing into the winds of adversity and cast my bread upon the waters and then I am just going to sit tight and see what God will do with me and my life. The storm may be over internally, but the ripples are still forever altering the shape of my life.

I am waiting and that's all I can do right now. I am calm and I am getting stronger in the broken places. Whatever happens I have someone right beside me, so I will be okay.

Three Dears and a Fox

Last afternoon I got back from my trip which featured stops in Belleville, Montreal, Ottawa, and Port Perry. I was tutored in my new birthday camera by my tech-savvy sister, and I am sort of getting the hang of it. I saw my sister's apartment and a small section of Montreal which I found very impressive indeed architecturally and also commercially and artistically. I posed by graffiti that proclaims "I love cheese." Even the graffiti seemed thoughtful and well-done.

I also saw John and Laurianne, their sky-diving video (fantastique!), and their apartment. We went to a wonderful Chinese restaurant close to where they live and the food was amazing.

In Port Perry I saw Jono and Janice, their four kids, Laura and her fiancee Brad, two of my aunts, and my Oma who served us so much food for tea we really weren't hungry for supper afterwards. This did not deter us in the least from polishing off the left-overs from my birthday meal. Only the pie remains, and is in very poor shape so we shall soon finish that as well.

On my birthday, a day in which I was very spoiled by my parents and siblings, I went for a hike with three of my sisters to a spot we have often cross-country skiied. We saw three deer and a fox, and we played Pooh sticks and then had a photo shoot. In our photos we looked like dryads or angels, or maybe more like three dears and a fox. Once I have the photos I will post one or two.



My talented photographer sister gets all the credit for setting up this shot and for the interesting effect obtained. There was also another series that wasn't quite as nice where Christina and I looked angelic. I guess we don't exactly look like dryads... my imagination does take certain creative liberties. Still it is a good composition and an interesting photo.

30 Years Old

It feels like an ending, but also a beginning. It is the end, probably, of my daily posts on this blog, it is the end of being able to say I am 29, it is the end of a decade. It is the beginning of a new era, the beginning of a decade which I hope to hope to start and finish strong, and the beginning of what I hope will be a new maturity...

Today my Mom is speaking at our church which I am very much anticipating. Then we will have the traditional birthday meal followed by a lemon meringue pie and presents. My Dad is away at a men's retreat until early evening, but Linda will be here. Following that we will be Montreal bound to drop off Rachel at school, we will stop for a hotel in Belleville, drive the rest of the way, and then go up to Ottawa for a short visit with John and Laurianne. After that we will drive home, stopping in at Oma's for tea on the way.

Later today I may post a birthday picture, of me in my new decade of life. I don't look my best right now due to seasonal allergies, but by afternoon I should be feeling less congested. I may also report on how many things on my bucket list I actually accomplished this year, which I would guess is more than half, but probably no more than 17 of the things. I will have to look at the list again soon to check for sure.




Photo credit L. den Boer who gave me this shirt as a gift.

Sometimes You Just Wish Your Watermelon Had Pits

Here's my family about two months ago. With such a beautious and long back porch on which to expectorate seeds, you can bet we were all wishing we didn't have one of those new-fangled watermelons. Some of us are excellent spitters and the others ones need to practice. I won't say what category I fall into!

My Twenties in Hindsight

Today is the last day of being in my twenties. I started university right after my 20th birthday and I was in school for the next four and a half years, graduating officially in 2005 with a BA in Honours English and Religion and a well-developed sense of literary and theological snobbery.

Next I tried out the job search thing, and various careers in office work and general labour nursery work. After that I had a health crisis which took me some time to recover from, so I was working in propagation nursery work as I was recovering and beyond. I did part-time schooling and full-time seasonal work for a year and then I finally got into a good college program.

Now I am a full-time student and I am turning 30 just as I am entering my second of four semesters in Practical Nursing. I also did full-time work and took two classes in New Testament Greek for one year with the end goal of grad school, leading up to my health crisis. I still find writing, languages, and religion fascinating, although I do also love health sciences and studying about the human body and pathology as well; I remain committed to the goal of being qualified to help others dealing with health crises, caring for them, and promoting health.

Although I recently became slightly active on the dating scene through an online website I absolutely do not endorse, I haven't had a serious relationship in my twenties. I think for me this is a very positive thing, because I am still in the process of healing and becoming whole and finding my life's direction.

As far as hobbies, I love watching movies, and crocheting, sometimes simultaneously. I love reading as well, but not as much as when I was a teen when I was a book worm who could polish off three books a week. Walking, hiking, and enjoying the outdoors are also highly diverting activities for me. Baking is something I do for fun. I love to get together with friends one on one and just talk about what's on my heart and what's up with them. I love to write; even school papers are a good challenge. I enjoy any time some one asks me a question about the Bible... I might not know the answer but I may pretend I do. :)

Despite the fact I don't really want to be in my thirties, maybe it will be a better decade for me. I am more mature, more self-aware, more eager to follow in the path of Christ, and someday I will be ready for stepping into whatever God has for me as a career path, in relationships, and with family. Until then I'll take it one day at a time, beginning with my very first day being 30 tomorrow!

A Man of the Cloth

The amount of respect I had for him in that moment was inversely proportional to the amount of pressure he was applying to my head. I placed my feet further apart and pushed back. He applied counterpressure but there was no way I was falling, especially not in front of Jim, his mother and his brother.

I asked myself why this should be THE altar call, the one I had been long waiting for, the one that I had vowed to go up to the front for. Sure, he had called for anyone with "oppression, depression and any kind of pression" which was a little on the broad side and also, I recalled, he was well versed with my medical history.

He stood there in what was later described to me as a $3000 suit, waiting for me to fall, and water burst forth from the blister that had been forming for some time, and all that was left was the empty skin shell.

Later my coworker Jim and I discussed in length his tendency for mini-sermons on prosperity right before the offering, and his long-winded prayers afterwards invoking God to open the windows of heaven and pour out a blessing. We agreed it was manipulative, although the promises in the Bible were there in black ink.

From this moment I gradually extricated myself from his camp, and when his empire later fell due his infidelity to the mother of his children and his adultery revealed in plain sight, dropping his charisma points to near bankruptcy, I was only slightly more disillusioned and in my youthful cynicism not very surprised.

Tungsten and I Making a Scarf

I love crocheting and Tungsten loves yarn. She was very interested in this project, which was beautiful but not very functional due to the fuzzies the acrylic yarn leaves everywhere. She used to be more of a lap sitter, but still loves attention!

Like Dust in the Wind

Change unsettles me and I find myself digging in my heels, and trying to stay in one place as life drags me along. I cried and was periodically sad for a couple of months when my younger sister moved away to school. One Coldplay song in particular often moved me to a silent stream of swift-flowing tears. She was growing up and in Montreal would be legal drinking age... she would come home, but it wouldn't ever be the same as before.

I still picture my grade school as the old building, even though I have been in the new building numerous times. I remember the yellow-gold curtains and the grade four portable, the spot where I split open my chin on the ice, the kindergarten doors which we would visit from time to time, the spot between the portables where we endlessly traded stickers, the pavement where we played our skipping games, the gravel where we staked our claims in Land.

I can precisely envision my grandparent's house in Corinth, which was over 100 years-old. Even though they lived nearly a decade in another dwelling, to me this was always their home. I remember the greenhouse, the smell of potting soil, the moist feel of the tiny little plants, the sound of "Big Bad John" or "When Irish Eyes are Smiling" enlivening the atmosphere from the ancient radio on St. Patrick's Day.

I remember my grandparent's bedroom which my sister and I slept in at night; we were always falling towards each other, and sometimes were awakened by the trains shaking the house after the warning signal shattered the quiet murmur of the night. That happened more often though in the smaller bedroom in a different era, when we would awaken to count the cars between the engine and the caboose... I had the cot and my sister had the bed with our scratchy but clean and well-aired blankets. We had a tiny black and white tv in the room we could sometimes watch tv on, but the grainy images deterred us from watching much, especially when there was a better television down the winding stairs. My brother had a room to himself in the front of the house, where there was also a crib and beneath it a communication to the downstairs living room.

I can recall how many times we ran to a window to catch a glimpse of the black buggies clip-clopping past and how excited we were when the general store owner across the tracks gave us penny candy for free. I remember Tinkerbell who mimicked the sounds of the outside birds attracted by numerous feeders.

Recalling the beauties of the gardens and remembering the back porch cookie and juice breaks, I am pierced by a sadness, because, not only are my grandparents passed into glory, but also this place does not remain the same except in my memory. Now junk clutters the greenhouse and the house has been disemboweled to re-adjust it to pre-electricity and convenience days.

Some places you can no longer return to, and some habits you must replace. Some people you have to say good-bye to, and eventually you yourself will be old and your memories scattered to the wind like so many particles of dust.

On This Day in Paris, France...

...my Dad made a premature entry into the world. He was a tiny little baby and his father later admitted to being disappointed about his small stature. He was three weeks ahead of schedule, which I am sure he would always hope to be. The doctors and nurses fed him with sea water as well as his mother's milk. At this time, no one guessed that the baby taken home on a Harley Davidson motor bike by his young Dutch-speaking parents would grow up to be an accountant in the fair country of Canada or that he himself would have six children, primarily daughters, but also a son who would bear the name of two grandfathers, as well as the Pope and two uncles.

Happy Birthday Dad! I love you and I appreciate your hard work, dedication, parenting through the years, and your integrity.


Our fearless leader who got us back from mosquito haven and swamp city.
Wow he must not be THAT old. He is still just as good as Father William.

You Are Old, Father William By Lewis Carroll

'You are old, Father William', the young man said,
'And your hair has become very white;
And yet you incessantly stand on your head --
Do you think, at your age, it is right?'

'In my youth', Father William replied to his son,
'I feared it might injure the brain;
But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none,
Why, I do it again and again.'

'You are old', said the youth, 'as I mentioned before,
And have grown most uncommonly fat;
Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door --
Pray, what is the reason of that?'

'In my youth', said the sage, as he shook his grey locks,
'I kept all my limbs very supple
By the use of this ointment - one shilling the box -
Allow me to sell you a couple?'

'You are old', said the youth, 'and your jaws are too weak
For anything tougher than suet;
Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak -
Pray, how did you manage to do it?'

'In my youth', said his father, 'I took to the law,
And argued each case with my wife;
And the muscular strength, which it gave to my jaw,
Has lasted the rest of my life.'

'You are old', said the youth, 'one would hardly suppose
That your eye was as steady as ever;
Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose -
What made you so awfully clever?'

'I have answered three questions, and that is enough,'
Said his father, 'don't give yourself airs!
Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
Be off, or I'll kick you downstairs!'

The Battle Within: Demanding Childish Whiner Vs. Grateful Child-like Winner

Sometimes I wonder how God looks at my constant demand for things to go my way. I wonder if he ever wishes he could give me a little shake and tell me to snap out of it. I mean I know all the answers (or so I think), but sometimes I am childish and I whine much like the children of Israel in the desert. I don't learn the lesson the first time so I get stuck in the wilderness again.

I know I will eventually enter the rest the author of Hebrews speaks of, but I have had so much grace along the way, I have had so many tantrums with God, I have refused to move forward so many times, I wonder how he put up with me and my stiff-necked arrogance for so many years.

It can only be the kind of love that made Jesus stay on the cross, while others were ridiculing and insulting him and daring him to show his power. I can't understand the depths of that love, because if I was God I wouldn't put up with the kind of stunts I pull on a regular basis.

I wonder if I can now gracefully handle God saying "No" or "Wait" to one of my most earnest pleas. Can I be grateful for all he has done and celebrate who He is, without needing constant gratification of my every whim? Can I learn to be joyful in difficult situations when I would rather scream or punch someone? Can I learn to be self-controlled and alert and aware of who the true enemy is? Sometimes the hardest thing to conquer in life is yourself, because selfishness is ingrained in the very fabric of who you are.

Celebrity Obsession:

Suddenly I Just No Longer Care

So celebrities sometimes don't have their look all together, and they sometimes have a bad hair day? Thanks for this gripping insight, but I'll skip the pictorial evidence today. And this is supposed to comfort me, because I don't look like them after they've gotten professional hair and make-up done, and sometimes plastic surgery or they have been strategically air-brushed? And this is news, when there are people who don't even have hair because they are going through chemo, and when there are people who wish their hair was their biggest concern, but they are worried about survival and safety, clean water, food and shelter and more basic things? And I helped feed this media frenzy for years, by always caring what Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were doing and what was happening with Katie Holmes?

I feel ashamed that I contribute every day to the celebrity obsession by continually paying attention to all this celebrity gossip. I even feel ashamed that I personally care so much about my own hair and appearance.

Somehow I think our society has a sickness that is obvious to an outside observer, but we've been inside the pot so long we don't realize the water is approaching scalding and the best we have to offer, at least in our popular culture, is some false ideal of beauty and a belief that somehow science can fix what we've done to this earth. We search for something real in the midst of all the glitter and sparkle; we turn to spirituality and Mother Earth, but we still haven't found what we are looking for. We numb ourselves with entertainment or maybe with some other less benign addictions. We are told we deserve the best, and we should buy the best, but in reality we all must continue to buy or our society of consumption will implode. Then we will be left with our purchases and maybe without a few other basic necessities for our North American lifestyle, and possibly at this point we may wonder what has happened to our soul... Did we sell it or just ignore it for too long?

One More Week and Then...

So now I have less than a week and then I hit the big 3-0. I am not inspired to write anything beautiful or profound or even humorous.

I had a good day with church in the park in the rain and fellowship before, during, and afterwards. I had some time to visit with my friend Vicky and it got rather animated which is normal for us... We really do get each other going! We've had similar experiences which we laugh about. And then I saw Vicky's husbands new kitten and saw a little fashion show put on by Christina and her friend. And we planned a shopping trip for accessories and shoes for Christina's friend.

We've had dinner and now we are going to watch the sequel to "THE GODS MUST BE CRAZY" which we saw last night right before my mom mercilessly beat my dad at a game of Scrabble. I didn't play because when the three of us play I always lose, and I hate losing. Yes, I am one of those people who has to win Scrabble and Settlers of Catan and Balderdash and any game I think I have a chance of winning.

The funny thing is last weekend I went to a Euchre tournament and the whole time I thought I was losing and then it turned out I had the second highest score and I am not even a very good player. I won this wonderful prize basket too. I am still not sure how I beat all these excellent Euchre players, unless they were all playing for the most lone hands and failing to win consistently. My Dad is a better Euchre player than me, but he wasn't getting good cards and when he did he wasn't able to call it. So now I can go out to a restaurant in Burlington for a meal sometime, plus I got some Avon products, a beautiful pad of paper to write on with a pen, and a very nice basket. On top of all that this past week my friend gave me a beautiful new ring that I love and my sister's friend gave me three gorgeous pairs of earrings as pre-birthday gifts. I am not sure what to expect for my actual birthday! But I promise to be on my best behaviour as befits someone in their third decade (or is it actually my fourth decade since now I'll be working towards 40?). Oh dear... I am going to miss my twenties!

You Know You're Getting Older When...

... The unstylish outfits you used to wear as a teen are suddenly "retro."
... The people you used to babysit are now babysitters themselves.
... The station you listened to as a young adult now grates on your nerves. Does every song have to be about "getting it on?" Just saying!
... Your peers have children who are past kindergarten age and even some of them are nearly as old as your younger sister.
... You tell stories of how different things were back when you went to high school and/or grade school, and every one is tired of these stories.
... You can't recall who you have told what story... but aren't panicked because they were all basically true, or only slightly embellished for dramatic effect.
... You act like a mother even though you have no children. Your sister is annoyed by your maternal side.
... Some of your peers are now university professors or published authors.
... You remember back when it is was cool to say "Not!" after everything you didn't mean.
... You fondly recall Cabbage Patch Dolls, Smurfs, CareBears, and Pound Puppies. You used to watch Today's Special, The Green Forest, and Fraggle Rock.
... You actually used to think Barbie was pretty, and not horribly deformed. Your only regret is you never had a Ken doll, because at least he was well-proportioned.
... You love The Princess Bride and think it was the best movie ever.
... You don't like Zac Ephron and don't know if you just misspelled his name.
... You have ceased caring for the Hollywood Stars who are younger than you and their personal lives. You still hope for the best for Lindsay Lohan.
... You find Lady Gaga very catchy, but she annoys you almost every time you turn on the radio.
... You don't think Madonna is actually so "old", just highly intelligent, a postmodernist par excellence, and an unstoppable force.
... You missed the Twilight boat, and you are not sorry.
... You no longer care about reality tv, because you think it is only going downhill from here.
... You may feel like you are still nineteen at times, but you know the mirror does not lie. You are hoping for laugh lines.

Food: A Passion That Never Dies...

...especially if it is Chocolate (or sweet)!

I love food. I relish a chocolate bar to the extent of licking up any spare crumbs from the wrapper, I savour every morsel out of expensive chocolatier's chocolate, I love baked potatoes with sour cream and chives, steak that is tender and moist, chicken drowning in creamy sauce. I enjoy stir-frys with spices and special sauce, fresh vegetables with the perfect sour cream and herb dip, and raspberries with a dab of Josie's Famous Fruit Dip.

I can't get enough of fresh pineapples, coconut, oranges which drip down my fingertips. I love apples with peanut butter and peanut butter by itself at any time of day. In summertime I enjoy ice cream in the midst of a heat wave, with chunks of chocolate or fruit or cream cheese. Fruit pies, cheesecakes, chocolate cake, lemon meringue pie... how delightful! I love cheese in big chunks and spicy appetizers drizzled with oil, and toasted to perfection. Mixed nuts are not safe around me, and chocolate ice cream will be plundered of the choicest morsels, chocolate chips will mysteriously disappear while peanut butter smears appear upon the countertop.

My family can probably name hundreds of instances in which I have argued about, complained about, or made unreasonable demands about food. Also I am the biggest eater of my own baking, and I love to bake the most decadent food our kitchen ingredients will allow. I like to cook sometimes, but baking is one of my favourite past-times.

As much as I love food, if I ate every time I had a craving or even every time I feel a slight pang of hunger, I know I would balloon a few more dress sizes. My stomach is a part of my body, one that thinks it wants it all; it can complain it is getting less, but I will simply follow some old advice to eat a small amount of a variety of foods, to drink water when it is not time to indulge my appetites, and to exercise self-control. So stomach... get used to disappointment, and food, you are no longer my master! Wait a second, as I reread the first part I can feel my mouth watering... But I will never surrender! At least not until lunch time!