Back to Work

The prospect of returning to work, working the night shift part-time at the retirement home where I previously worked, has me grateful but also anxious. I also regret the lost opportunity of working the evening shift position I was gunning for back in the summer.

I'm grateful to have a job as a nurse and to be well enough to work. I appreciate the slower pace of the night shift and the nightly routine that keeps you busy. I don't get to interact with the residents as much, but there are some I see frequently. 

I feel anxious about adjusting back to working, and learning any things that have changed in the routine. I am concerned about my sleeping schedule with working nights and sleeping days and then then going back to sleeping nights when I am not working. I am also aware to avoid isolation working the night shift I will have to participate in regular social activities or volunteer on the days I am not working. 

My first shift back is Thursday. I'll have to see how I adjust back to the working world and how many things have changed since August. Staying up all night can be difficult and sleeping during the day can be tough.

I recognize I do not return to work on my own. I do have support from my employer, my family and friends. I also have the indwelling presence of the Holy Spirit and the support of my Saviour and Lord.

The Solid Rock

I have some go to devotional materials. I read "Jesus Calling," "Jesus Today", and "Jesus Lives" by Sarah Young. Lately I have been doing a devotional from She Reads Truth which arrives in my Inbox. I often read "My Utmost for His Highest" by Oswald Chambers. Sometimes I read "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie. I often read a bit of "Be the Gift" by Ann Voskamp before I turn out the light. Also every morning I read aloud "Blessing Your Spirit" by Sylvia Gunter and Arthur Burk.

I have come to realize that I can read devotional materials all day, but if I am not putting any of it to practise it is pretty much useless. I might have great knowledge of the Bible, but where is my heart at? Am I like the person who looks in the mirror of God's perfect law and immediately forgets what she looks like?

I tend toward selfishness, and self-centredness. I don't always see others' needs and even when I do I don't always do anything about it. At times I am guilty of saying I will pray for someone, and then failing to do so, at least with much frequency. I am easily distracted from my prayers and prayerfulness is a hard virtue to practise.

Am I looking for an experience or am I looking to develop a relationship? I am grateful that despite my failings, Jesus is faithful and patient with me. He is pleased with the smallest of my baby steps. He speaks to me in a language my heart understands. He rescues me from situations I get myself entangled in and He carries me close to his heart. 

When I am anxious about something, He calms my fears just as He calmed the storm. He tells me to be still and speaks peace into the situation. He loves me as much on my worst day as on my best day, and He tells me I am worth his sacrifice. While I am my own harshest critic, He is my greatest encourager, allowing me to be convicted about my sins, but not condemned. He's my Rock and my Deliverer.

Broken but Beautiful

Every piece of me, shattered and dispersed, fits together in a mosaic of untold beauty. The shards glued back together, reassembled and sorted interlock and form a picture of God's grace. The cracks are where the light gets in, as a Switchfoot lyric goes.

What could have destroyed me, has only made me stronger, stronger in the broken places. I have scar tissue, but that's the body's way of healing itself. My brain is recovering and I have the mind of Christ, a sound mind that is disciplined and recognizes that old patterns will no longer work.

Sometimes the old ways reassert themselves. I begin to catatrophize or I exhibit all or nothing thinking. I consider throwing a pity party or I worry about the future and fail to envision any hope. I view the past with a blue lens, remembering all the horror and pain. I look forward thirty years or just ten and wonder how I can survive this condition.

But I am not meant to live in the past or in the future. The now, the present moment, is all I have to consider. I don't have the grace for tomorrow's problems and stewing about the past is a dead end.

Finding out who I am is an amazing pursuit. Who I am in Christ and who I was created and designed to be. Discovering who God is also a spectacular journey that will never end definitively, because He is so much greater than we could ever imagine and so much beyond what we could ever know.

I'm glad I am on this pathway to life and I know who goes before me and who stands behind. I feel safe and secure in the shelter of His love. I believe He will always go with me and even if I have to go to the other side of the sea, His right hand will hold me fast.

I am looking for my calling, the place where my giftings, and the deepest need in the world intersect. This is my true vocation, and I know I have been blessed in order to be a blessing. It may or may not involve my career, but I know my talents cannot be buried or used selfishly to no one's benefit but my own. I don't know how I will serve others; I don't know how I will share the love of God; I just know I am commanded to love other believers and my neighbour, and to share the good news, making disciples of all nations, baptizing them, and teaching them to obey the Lord's commands. He promises to be with me always to the very end of the age. "Fear not little flock, for it is your Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom."

Beginning Anew

As the 2018 calender gets put away, I want to begin anew. I want to let go of old ways of coping, old baggage and insecurities, old patterns of behaviour. I want to rid myself of envy, greed, malice, and slander. I desire a new heart, no longer of stone, but one of flesh. I want the weeds in my garden uprooted.

I have gone through a season of pruning, of painful changes, of choices I never wanted to face. I have found throughout my pathway to wellness that God drew near and kept His promises to me. He remained faithful and true to His Word no matter how up and down my emotions were.

God definitely got my attention. CS Lewis once said that pain is God's megaphone to the world. I now have a dialogue with God that I don't want to end. I have a friendship with Jesus; I am sure of the Father's love; I have a newfound reliance on the Holy Spirit.

Life is not a rose-garden, by any means, but neither is it a place devoid of beauty or truth. As I look to the spring I think about rebirth and renewal and about what I will plant in my garden literally and metaphorically.

Things I want to throw away include anxiety, worry, negative attitudes and expectations, insecurity, and the belief that I can't cope with life. Things I want to embrace include confidence in God and myself, love for others and God, peace within and without, joy not based on circumstance, patience when I need to wait, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control. I want my life to be enriched by the fruit of the Spirit and my life to be productive in things of eternal value.

I want to be a marathon runner, training my body and mind to compete so as to win the prize. I want to be a farmer patiently waiting for the rains. I want to be a soldier who fights for truth and justice and defends against the onslaught of the Enemy.

"Search me, God, and know my heart. Test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting." Psalm 139:23-24

Yuletide Yearning

It's December 24th and Christmas fast approaches, swifter than Santa's reindeer, it will be upon us.

Somehow this season of belonging and of love, joy, and peace is also one of alienation and disconnection, discouragement, grief, and conflict. No matter how many fancy bows we slap on our gifts, or how perfect our gift selection is, there remains a void Christmas cannot fill.

Those who remember who they have lost, whether years ago or recently, grieve the fact that their loved ones are not here. Those whose families are not perfect, who are alienated from family members, lament their losses and struggle towards peace within themselves. Those who have yet to find a love they imagine could fill any gaping hole in themselves, mourn the absence of their other half. Those who long for a child, but find it beyond their grasp, grieve the hole in their family.

Jesus came to bring joy, he came to bring peace, and he was the perfect Gift of love. It's when we forget why we celebrate Christmas in the first place and get caught up in all the trappings of the season, all the glitter and gifts, all the baked goodies and scrumptious feasts, that we are in danger of missing why Jesus came and why he is still relevant more than two thousands years after he was born.

Jesus was sent to usher in the Kingdom of God. He was sent to be the Sacrificial lamb. He came as a baby so he could set the captives free and give sight to the blind, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favour. He came so he could point the way to his Father, and so he could be the Way. He came to tell the truth, and to be the Truth. He came to demonstrate life, and to be the Life.

"Because of His boundless love, He became what we are in order that He might make us what He is." (Irenaeus). Christ's incarnation, that he came as a helpless child, yet the fullness of God dwelt in him, means so much more than a Hallmark card can express. His life, his death and his resurrection mean everything. If your joy and patience seem in short supply in the hectic pace of the holidays, take a deep breath and remember just what was wrapped up in that Perfect Gift.

The Valley of Decision

Some decisions can have long-ranging impacts on the rest of your life. One of them is a choice of a career. Another is a choice of a spouse. While you can always switch careers or career streams, hopefully you go into a marriage with the intention of remaining with your partner for life.

That's why careful consideration should be made of whether the person you select as a potential mate is suitable and compatible. No one is perfect, but are there any red flags that cause you to hesitate?

You can fall in love so easily, but will you be able to stay in love with this person during rough seas? Do you love them enough to face any disaster together or crisis? Are there signs that you can work well together? How do you handle a disagreement or conflict?

You don't have to be identical in all your viewpoints or strengths, but you should complement one another and be working for the same goals. If there is something about your partner that you wish you could change, you have to ask yourself could you handle it if the person never changed in that area.

I'm only in the beginning stages of a relationship, and I admit to questioning whether our love can go the distance, with all the challenges we will face. I want to be clear-eyed and alert, and not clouded by unrealistic expectations. I don't want to face misery later, when I wake up from my dream scenario and realize relationships are hard work and there are certain behaviours I cannot tolerate.

I haven't come to a firm conclusion. I think I will maintain a prayerful watchfulness, and listen closely to the voice of God, in whatever form it comes. In the end, the decision to continue pursuing the relationship is up to me.

The Greatest Gift

What's the best gift you ever received?  What about the best gift you ever gave?

A number of gifts come to mind as I ponder those questions, but sometimes the gifts don't stick in your memory for long from Christmas to Christmas or birthday to birthday.

Giving gifts is one of my love languages, but more so I give words of affirmation and encouragement. My cards tend to be lengthy missives which delineate everything I love about the recipient or express my best wishes for their continued health and happiness.

The Bible says the greatest gift is love. Without it you're bankrupt; without it as a motive your best actions are without any value. It will remain long after the dust settles; it endures forever.

It is the new command that the apostle John gave, "Love one another." Love comes from God and every one who loves is born of God, and knows God.

I'm realizing I can do many good things, things that are kind and considerate, things that people can point out as beautiful or beneficial, but my motives for doing these things can be mixed at best. Also I can keep myself busy and stressed doing things I was never intended to do.

Listening to the Holy Spirit is key, as is soaking in the Heavenly Father's love, and keeping close to Jesus Christ, who is a friend and a brother.

How great is the love the Father has lavished upon us, that we should be called children of God and that is what we are!

Soul Prints

There's some people you could never forget. They come into your life and leave their imprint on your heart and soul. They might disappear or grow distant, but they were your friend and nothing can ever change that.

I've said goodbye to many friends. Usually it is not even that we had a falling out, we just grew in different directions or moved locations or no longer had time and energy to maintain a bond. In some cases I'm not even sure what happened, but I knew it was over. Other times I hurt people or became offended at people while I was unwell which is why I likely will never return to Facebook, the scene of the worst of my crimes. Or I missed a critical meeting like a baby shower, with regrets, or a visit that I couldn't participate in, because I was in the hospital.

I've come to see regretting the end of friendships is not productive. Better to remember the friend with fondness and move on. If you did hurt someone, it is important to apologise, if it is in your power.

I have had to let go of a dear friend, with whom I had a toxic relationship, and that was very difficult. Yet she wrote me a heartfelt email that granted closure to our friendship. She released me with a blessing, and I know she always had the best in mind for me in her heart. I will never forget her, and I will remember her prayers for me and how much she cared over the years.

I have a few close friends who are very important to me. I rely on them, and I try to a dependable friend to them as well. The reality is you can't always rely on friends or be entirely trustworthy yourself. There are no perfect friendships; there is only one perfect friend and I depend upon him and cling to him fiercely when there appears to be no solid ground beneath my feet.

I am grateful for friends who give so much love and support to me. I am thankful for fellow believers who pray for me. I even treasure acquaintances who care enough to give a listening ear. I truly am blessed.

Peaceful Repose

Of late I have been improving in my ability to sleep well. Part of it is following a proven bedtime routine that prepares me for peaceful slumber. This strategy is called "sleep hygiene" and has nothing to do with showering, though that might be part of a successful bedtime routine.

I think the biggest breakthrough happened was when I relaxed about when I would fall asleep, and realized there was actually no way I wouldn't get at least some sleep, especially after taking my medications, which basically knock me out anyways.

But actually there was an even greater breakthrough, when I trusted when I couldn't sleep or was awakened in the middle of the night, that there could be a purpose for being awake.  That there might be someone to pray for, or something to battle through. It wasn't a disaster to be awake at midnight or 3 am or 5 am; it was actually an opportunity to spend time with God and seek his guidance and direction.

I can ask God to help me sleep. If something in my day is troubling me, I can bring it to him. If I have any burdens I have picked up I can lay them down. If I have become prideful, I can turn away from that. If I feel unsafe either physically or spiritually, I can remember the angels that surround and encamp about me. I can remember the blood of Jesus which purifies and protects. I can remember my Heavenly Father who holds me in the palm of his hand and who has numbered the hairs of my head and keeps my tears in a bottle.

When my emotions seem out of control, there is One who can bring peace. He can still the storm with three words: "Peace, be still."

Sometimes I picture Jesus with me, standing by my bed, or even holding me in his arms. I think of what he might say to me and I remember his red letter words. At the hospital He was always there when I couldn't sleep, and I would pretend we were having a slumber party, but I complained to Him He was keeping me awake. He might have been keeping me awake, but it was for a purpose. More likely He was working on me, reorganizing some files deep in my brain, or redecorating the walls of my home.

Hard to believe this was already three years ago. Where has time gone?

Brian Doerksen- Grateful for Another Day

Lyrics for Grateful for Another Day by Brian Doerksen


[Verse 1]
I'm grateful for another day
This gift of life all lit with grace
A day to let judgments go
A day to love peace and let it grow

[Verse 2]
I'm grateful for another day
A change to trust come what may
A day to risk loving more
Let's see what God may have in store

[Chorus 1]
A day to see the reasons, a thousand gifts receiving
A day to trust that God will see us through
A day to stop complaining, a day to start reclaiming
A day to trust that God will see us through!

[Verse 3]
I'm grateful for this gift of time
I'll live it knowing love is mine
A day to let worry go
A day when compassion stirs and flows!

[Chorus 2]
A day to see the reasons, a thousand each season
A day to trust that God will see us through
A day to stop complaining, a day to start reclaiming
A day to trust that God will see us through


Gratitude is a theme running through my life right now like a golden thread, transforming the ordinary or the painful into a thing of beauty and life. Through being thankful for the blessings I have and continually receive, I can take my eyes off what I perceive as lacking or weak in me. My eyes are focused on the face of Christ, sometimes appearing in the faces around me who need something I can give, be it only a smile or a kind word. One of the gifts I can give is encouragement, another is being present rather than distracted. I might have teaching gifts, but I have so much to learn I try to be receptive to anything a wiser person might be able to teach me. I need to learn the difference between being empathetic and compassionate and trying to "fix" or rescue someone. As a branch on the vine (John 15), in order to bear fruit I must be connected to Christ and receptive to the Father's love. I need to follow my calling and choose the best rather than merely the good.

Truth or Dare

I grew up playing a game called Truth or Dare. It went as follows "Truth, Dare, Double Dare, Promise to Repeat." In my circle of friends even the double dares were not as daunting as "Truth."

Your friend might ask you what you really thought about a boy she knew you were interested in. Or she might ask you whether you really cared about a friend you'd had a falling out with.

I was always destined to tell the truth, as my second name Alison means "truth" or "noble", I just sometimes allow a layer of obscurity camouflage the truth just a little. Or I give it some embellishments and a little touch of flair.

The truth is simple, but I can dress it up and make it elaborate. Tuck it in with some chocolates and hide it amongst layers of tissue paper. It's now a gift basket, voila!

"Speaking the truth to power," what does that mean? And what if nobody can hear you in the deafening cacophony of our culture? Do you scream louder or repeat softly?

I believe the truth will always eventually come out, and then you will want to be on the side of truth and justice. But every one has a voice, and also two ears to listen, and even if your platform is small and your circle of friends is small, and your contribution seems tiny, it matters.

Everyone is made in the image of God and can transform into the image of Christ. To Christ, all people matter and he would go to the ends of the earth to seek out one lost little lamb.

He declared "I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life. No one comes to the Father, but by me." This is a bold claim, and it is either truth or not, but every one must make their own decision. Who is Jesus of Nazareth? Is he a Prophet? Is He the Son of the Most High God? Is He My Saviour, and if so, do I make him my Lord?

Do I believe Him, and do I receive these blessings from His hand?

Who I am in Christ:

I am a child of God.
I am strong in the Lord and the Power of His Might.
I am lead by the Spirit of God.
I am kept in safety whenever I go.
I walk by faith and not by sight.
I am rescued from the dominion of darkness.
I am an heir with God and coheir with Christ.
I am blessed with every spiritual blessing.
I am an overcomer by the blood of the Lamb and the word of my testimony.
I am an imitator of God.
I am healed by His wounds.
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
I am more than a conqueror.


The above list was given to me from the Women's Bible Study at People's Church Every word is based on an actual Bible passage and is an important truth about my identity.

My Baptism last decade

Chameleon

People pleaser, chameleon, wall-flower: all words to describe someone who can blend into the surroundings in an attempt to fit in or hide in plain sight. I think we all learn those skills to adapt to each new social situation and survive the round of holiday functions this time of year.

If you are introverted like myself and you do better with one or two friends than a whole crowd you might gravitate towards the food or disappear into the bathroom for long periods. 

If you arrive at a party solo, as is frequently the case for me, you hope you will meet at least one person who can converse about trivial matters, such as holiday food or favourite holiday traditions or the best holiday drinks. You do not hope for a true meetings of the minds as that would be tempting fate.

Actually in my case, most of my holiday parties I will attend this year will be church or  family functions and that introduces a wrinkle. How much of your truth do you put out there? If there's someone who hasn't seen you in months and they casually ask how you are what should you say? The standard "fine, thank you" seems inadequate but the complete explanation seems burdensome.

Chances are this won't happen very often this year as my family, church family in various churches, and extended family are all mostly aware of my story. There are still run-ins with acquaintances who haven't got wind of the circumstances of my life.

In my experience, people generally thank you for your vulnerability in admitting to mental health issues and but occasionally will over-praise you for addressing the stigma or cause you to wonder if you have over-shared. Sharing what you have gone through is a right and a privilege, but it is not a duty. You don't have to be a wall-flower, but neither do you have to be the life of the party. You can share yourself in small doses to people who can tolerate the mixture of sweet and salty and you can answer briefly to those who are only casual acquaintances.

Breaking the Pattern

Sometimes relationships are tricky things. You think you are helping someone and you are actually enabling them. Or you rely on someone overly much, when you should be relying on yourself, or yourself and God.

Sometimes the loving thing to do is to let the person you love make their own mistakes and learn from them themselves. Other times, if they ask, you can offer your advice for what it is worth.

At no time should you ever try to be their personal Holy Spirit. You can't guide them to a safe haven. You can't micromanage their lives. You can only pray for them, not manipulative prayers, but prayers for their well being and safety and wholeness.

In the end, God is God for a reason. He can see the whole picture from beginning to the end. He knows the hidden motives of the heart. He can be trusted with your loved one, if you leave him or her in His hands.

It is a good thing we are finite and human. We sometimes make poor decisions ourselves and are not qualified to be divine. We can participate in the divine nature, but that is by becoming like Christ and is a process that takes discipline and perseverance. We never arrive, but are always journeying or sojourning, as strangers in a strange land.

I know enough about emotions and persuasive words to be a master manipulator. I can be disarming and charming, but I must choose not to use my powers to control others. I must break the pattern in old relationships and not fall into it with new ones. I must accept people as they are and recognize it is not my role to alter them one iota.

Liberty Principles

"Where the Spirit of the LORD is there is freedom." It is both a Scripture passage and a part of a song I once knew. Understanding this principle takes some work.

How can I be free by following a bunch of rules from thousands of years ago? Actually following the Holy Spirit is more like free-styling than following a list of dos and don'ts.

I used to make a lot of rules for myself to follow, but that is dead religion and not the pathway to Life. In the past, I have tried to punish spontaneity in others. I have insisted on my own way, which was supposedly sanctioned by God.

I was closer to being a Pharisee, than a follower of Jesus. That's how you grieve the Spirit of God and hurt the Son of God and try the patience of our Father in Heaven.

Wisdom comes by asking God for it. He does discipline, but it is for our good. He is LOVE; he grants us grace moment by moment and he promises never to leave us or forsake us. He will not leave us as orphans. Even if our parents forsake us, He will not.

No weapon honed whether in the fires of hell or in the workshop of the world, will be any match for the Sword of the Spirit. We are called to Battle, but it is a battle for our minds and hearts. What will we think about? Who will we give our fears to? Do we desire freedom enough to endure pain for a season?

He whom the Son sets free is free indeed. Following the Holy Spirit will lead us sometimes through the Valley of the Shadow, but other times to breathtaking vistas. He will never lead us where we are not willing to go, but we might end up circling the same mountain for ten to twenty years if we are as stubborn as I was.

Knee-Deep

These last few weeks, as I have adjusted to living on my own, and learnt how to take care of myself, while in a dating relationship, have been full of joys and triumphs as well as trepidation and insecurity.

Mostly I am glad to be alive and I feel excitement to grow and stretch in ways I haven't before. For a relationship that began as a friendship and progressed into a getting to know you phase, it has proceeded slowly and with caution.

In the meantime, I am drawing closer in my relationship to God, and being blessed by Christian friends, family, and the Bible studies I attend on Tuesdays and sometimes on Fridays at the hospital. I also am reading a book called "Blessing Your Spirit" by Sylvia Gunther and Arthur Burk. I am on day 15 of a forty day journey, and so far it has been amazing.

Today there was an opportunity for testimonies, so I gave one that was short and succinct. I was surrounded by love and support and hugs. Next week is our Christmas potluck/ jewelry sale. I will miss the Bible study during the Christmas hiatus.

I spent the afternoon with my boyfriend. It was a fun, low-key time. We went to the library and then we watched a movie and he cooked dinner which was delicious.

He's meeting my family soon and I'm meeting his. It is a little anxiety-inducing, but I think it will be okay. Being vulnerable is difficult, but you have to open yourself up to receive love.

I believe in the promises of God for a good future and a hope, and I receive grace, love, and peace. My joy is fathomless, my love is strong and the river of peace is wide and I'm just knee deep.

Maxed out

As Christmas season approaches, I find myself ready to bring on the holiday magic and sparkle. I've bought all my gifts, I have vowed to buy no more, and I know my mother will hold me to that vow.

I want to be generous this year, but none of my friends are materialistic and if I want to give them something, I can bake them some brownies or send them a card. I've been spending money at an alarming rate, so it is time to retrench, and stop eating out so much.

I don't want to live in a spirit of poverty and lack, but neither do I want to become a prodigal daughter. "Give me neither poverty nor riches, but only my daily bread."

The Father knows all my needs whether emotional, physical, psychological, spiritual, sexual (that's a tricky one, but every one is a sexual being), and he will meet those needs according to his riches in glory.

I want to bless others this Christmas. My church is doing a gift drive for single mother's, but if I don't live within my own means, I won't have anything to give them.

In the New Year, I'll be able to return to work, if only on modified duties. I can feel productive again, but this month is an important time in my life. A time of resting, reflection, thankfulness, and connection. A time to grow in love, joy, and peace. A time to wait, help others as I can, recognize the pure and lovely, develop in new ways, and put a tight rein on my tongue and my charge card.

Fine Detail

If there is any physical feature of myself I am most proud of, it is my hair. I might be discontented about my midriff pudge and pot belly and my love handles, meaty thighs or large backside, but I love my long, naturally blond and sun-highlighted hair. I also recently got it cut, and I appreciate the layers and thinning out the stylist did, and now that she cut off a good three and half inches, my hair is more manageable and so much lighter. It makes me feel prettier and more confident.

I have extremely thick hair I inherited from my maternal Grandmother. It requires a lot of conditioner to keep it from getting painful tangles. Over the course of my hospital stay, I was losing so much hair, and I'd have huge knots I'd have to wrestle with. Since my hair cut things have improved, but there is still one area I seem to undercondition.

The individual hairs are actually quite fine, but the volume of my hair never needs boosting. Some people assume I am a bottle blonde, but I just sometimes get highlights and lowlights, and I haven't done that in years.

"Are not two sparrow sold for a penny? And not one of them will fail to the ground without your Father's will. But even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not, therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows." Matthew 10:29-31 New American Standard Bible

This passage is an old, old lesson I keep on relearning. God is aware of every detail of my body, God knows every word I will say, God has determined the exact places I will live, he discerns where I am going to go out and where I will rest. God protects me as I drive in my car, he arranges the encounters I will have in any given day. He blesses me with mentors, fellow travellers, course adjusters, referees, friends, companions, and the ultimate Comforter. He answers prayers for wisdom, self-control, joy, and peace. He teaches me lessons about love, patience, kindness, goodness and gentleness, godliness and perseverance.

He answers prayers as insignificant as a parking place, or as important as relationship guidance. My mother has taught me that praying before you go shopping is a good exercise, as you seem to find the exact right thing you are looking for.

How astounding that our Father numbers the hairs on our head and that He cares so deeply about his children. Does it bother Him when I question whether my life is worthwhile and whether I will live up to my potential? When I fret about what to wear to a particular function, or what I can make for dinner, does He give a sigh of frustration like I am some wayward teenager?

I mostly think, God must smile to see me wrestling again and again with this issue, and maybe He cheers along the infinitesimal progress I've made over the years.

Blissful Beautitudes

Today is a day of rediscovering the depths of joy, percolating inside of me, of course-corrections and detours, and of love. It could have been a routine day, but it decidedly was not. There must have been Someone in the background, subtly adjusting the scenery, and laughing into his sleeve the whole time.

It was a little humorous, I suppose, but I'm more often a serious gal, deadly in earnest... I miss jokes and barely break into smile at others' attempts at humour. If I get it, and deem it funny I may at times break into gales of laughter, but you have to catch me at a good time.

I was with someone I like, well, I love him I suppose, but he's my friend first, and my boyfriend second. But being vulnerable enough to admit that my like for him, is deepening into love like a fine wine or malt whiskey and I know him only enough to know I want know him more, leaves me feeling afraid to face rejection or disappointment.

When I sit across the table from him, or hold his hand, my heart beats steadily but faster. I worry I am in over my head, but I try to trust the process, and I adjust the cadence of my footsteps to accommodate his pace. I'd follow him to the ends of the earth, but he's settled here, and my place is beside him.

He's a gift, but his presence is what I appreciate the most. He is the most kind-hearted man I have known, and his common sense and wisdom are stellar qualities. He's also handsome, strong, and hard-working... I could go on, but it would be repetitious and were he to read this, it might over-inflate his ego.... Not that he's proud. He frequently sells himself short.

I guess what I love about him is his moral compass steadily points North. He has his vices, and I have mine, but we mutually edify each other, as iron sharpens iron. And he understands my journey to wellness, because he's been there and witnessed it from September onward.

I was to pick him up for an appointment, but I got hopelessly lost and did exactly the wrong things to find his place. It was a series of Unfortunate Events, and I regretted my stupidity, but I made it safely everywhere and eventually we were reunited to share a lupper, which was delectable and enjoyable and utterly blissful.

Rewarded

My heart is full and it was a day of connection and reconnection and trying to bless people only to have it boomerang back to me. I don't think one person I tried to help was more blessed than I was.

My Father's heart is full of blessings, and he promised me the desires of my heart, when they are in line with his will. I went to give my Dad a coffee and some cake, but I was more blessed myself because I got to see Amy and wish her well before her little one arrives. I went to buy one specific product at Farm Boy and I ended up not buying it but getting some awesome produce and other healthy products that might help my digestive issues.

Last night I got an old rug hooking from my Opa he had made my younger sister and I claimed back some books. In putting them away I unlocked a treasure trove of books, and actually was able to find some to let go off or give away or save it for a daughter or a niece, and stow it away. In hiding my Christmas presents away from the craft sale my dear friend brought me to yesterday, I was able to reorganize my closet and almost all my nursing text books are up there, neatly stowed away.

In reorganizing my desk I was able to set up a work station in the living room, and prepare to hang my bulletin board with the pictures I want on it, freeing up photo frames for more recent photos.

I went to visit my Mom and got a lesson on budgeting as well as the bracelet I had left, after I had just spent a bundle of skin care products... primarily eye care and sun screen/moisturizer and after sun treatment. I went there on impulse, thinking I could bless someone, but was instead blessed by the friendly cashier.

I had little time left, but I read some devotionals and finally ate breakfast. I thought I would drive and then take the bus, because I didn't want to drive downtown, so I thought I would drive to Walmart. Trying to take a short cut I drove around a beautiful neighbourhood and ended up where I started, so I had no choice but to drive downtown. I should note all of this driving would have been impossible were it not for the wonderful CAA who gave me a boost this morning, after my battery was drained a few days ago.

Last night my good friend, the emerald red-haired beauty, came for tea and blessed me with some awesome herbal teas and cookies that she fortunately also took away. Saturday I went to Dutch Toko and saw a friend of a friend, and got my cookie and chocolate and cheese fix. I went there with my boyfriend because his bank was right next door. Also I decided to tithe at my new church home, but there's no way you can put money on that kind of blessing. I watched my old pastor, in my old church home's Youtube video, but again I was the blessed one. I rediscovered a book of blessings I got years ago from and mentor, and yes I'm on day seven with 33 days to go. I also got a book from my childhood friend, and it is amazing too, but I can't find it right now, so I'm sure I've stowed it somewhere safe, and the treasure hunt will continue. Also my friend who comes and takes me on walks regularly gave me great advice....  Call it karma, or call it reaping what you sow, but sow good seeds and yank up the bitter roots of bitterness or anger or sin.

I also got three free plants from my walk after lunch with a new friend, the one I met for lunch. I also got to see a beautiful neighbourhood, meet some lovely people, and see my friend's amazing art work. Also the lunch was excellent and she treated and we are going to ceramics or pottery together sometime. And eventually I'll be able to treat, when I am working. So being a good Samaritan is actually more beneficial for the person trying to help. The whole day my emotional need for recognition and reward was met by my best friend, Jesus, and the blessings my Father bestowed was protection and peace and freedom from anxiety about all the little foxes that destroy the vineyard.

Amen Omen by Ben Harper

What started as a whisper,
Slowly turned in to a scream.
Searching for an answer
Where the question is unseen.
I don't know where you came from
And I don't know where you've gone.
Old friends become old strangers
Between darkness and the dawn

Amen omen, will I see your face again?
Amen omen, can I find the place within
To live my life without you?

I still hear you saying
"All of life is chance,
And is sweetest, is sweetest when at a glance"
But I live,
I live a hundred lifetimes in a day.
But I die a little
In every breath I take.

Amen omen, will I see your face again?
Amen omen, can I find the place within
To live my life without you?

I listen to a whisper,
Slowly drift away.
Silence is the loudest,
Parting word you never say.
I put…

I used to listen to this song when I missed my sister Rachel after she went away to university. I find it touching and evocative. Of course I never really had to worry my sister wouldn't return, but I knew she would return altered and changed by experiences she would have. Change is constant in this life, but adjusting to change is the kicker. I find Ben Harper so helpful in expressing my emotions, particularly to do with mental illness or justice issues. I can't relate to being biracial, but I have a nephew who is newly born and biracial, and I do not tolerate hate or condone violence. The black rain has fallen and we are left picking up the pieces and hoping they can be reassembled.